Grace

I picked up Blue Like Jazz again today. (Check it out if you haven't already.) Had started it months ago after hearing the rave reviews and for whatever reason got sidetracked and put it down. A shame because Miller makes such valid points like the one I read today. Chapter 7 is entitled Grace and it hit really close to home. Growing up in a minister's home, I lived in a fishbowl with each congregant of my church watching my every move (as well as those of my brothers) just waiting for me to screw up and become the "heathen music pastor's daughter". In my mind, I only truly fulfilled that title maybe 3 or 4 times in my 18 years at that church. Sure I acted up just like every other child in the church but I only really performed seemingly "unforgivable" sins those handful of times. But as I grew up, I learned a lesson from my mother that I struggle with to this day: I must have it all together (or at least appear as such). I always felt that it was important for me to be strong for my friends, for my parents, for my church and to always take a leadership role, placing myself slightly above the other church members-in whatever area applied. I have lived in this position ever since those tender teenage years and have only recently come to understand that everybody knows I don't have it all together (although I've fooled many) just as they don't either. I've been forced to reconcile myself to the fact that when I do have it all together,I've reached the point I don't need God because when I can handle myself without Him, I refuse His love. Which is somewhat the point Miller made during his Grace chapter.

"Like Rick, I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity." (Miller p.85)

That statement could not be any more true in my own life. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very independent person. When I put my mind to something, it's going to get done. Period. End of story. So for me to admit that I can't get to heaven on my own, that I MUST rely on God and His FREE grace, goes completely again my innate nature. I want to be able to earn it or work for it or do something, anything to merit it. But I can't. And too many times I've allowed the enemy to steal my blessing simply because I won't humble myself enough to acknowledge (in front of others) that I need God's free, endless grace.

So today I'm saying this:
God, it's me again, Bethany. I realize I can't earn Your grace or Your love so I surrender today and give myself up to You. Take what little I have to offer and apply Your infinite love to it and use me, Lord. I am Your servant in need of mercy that I cannot win, earn or buy and I am so unworthy of such a marvelous gift. Thank you for unmerited favor. All my love belongs to You.

Blessings,
Bethany
And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. Romans 11:6

P.S. Another passage from the same chapter that I really love:
"Rick says that I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love , I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." (Miller p. 86)

Again...

Another week has gone by and I still haven't taken time to sit down and do some quality writing. And again it's not because I don't want to but because I haven't had a spare minute. Ok, that could be a lie since I went straight home from work Friday evening and promptly took a 2 hour nap. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Oooo, what an exciting way to spend a Friday night-asleep! (*sarcasm*) Blogging would have been more fun than that!" but there is a good reason why I took that nap. I. was. tired.

See, for the past few weeks I've been running myself to death trying to work my insurance job, take care of church stuff, take care of people and catch a few hours of sleep/eat time for myself. Seriously, I've been getting like 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night. Hence, the nap. Obviously, it isn't working. I'm not getting enough sleep and the effort I'm putting forth trying to keep up with everything leaves me dishing out only 60% of poor quality to each one. So now I'm putting effort into trying to eval the best way to get everything done, with excellence, successfully.

It may be a while before I figure this out...

Until then,
~B
[Jesus said] Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

Do You Ever...

Feel like you live in a vortex? Spinning round and round while the life is being sucked out of you?

That's what I feel today. Most of the time I love my life but days like these make me wonder if it's worth it. My never-ending "To Do" list became even longer (is that possible?) last night and today I must have just woken up on the wrong side of the bed (now that I have one that has 2 sides).

Just a bit overwhelmed... I'm sure it will pass in due time. It's just one of those "off" weeks. So pray.

I need this Rita Springer song to be real for me today...

Worth It All

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this


Blessings,
B
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
(I need this today.)

I Know, I Know

I actually need to write something of substance. But it's not gonna happen for a few days. I'm leaving in just a few to head to Arlington to see Z, I mean, test out a new bed and then tomorrow he's bringing it (provided I like it) up here and we're spending the weekend together we're gonna hang out this weekend (edited for my mother's fragile heart).

But don't worry, the promised and long awaited posts are coming. Just more slowly than I thought.

It's days like these that I love my life...

Blessings for a restoring weekend,
Bethany
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Speechless

A quick update about my Friday:

This morning was pretty dull. (I know that makes you want to read more, right???) We found out some news in the office but other than that, things were pretty much on the same monotony level as they usually are-BORING! While at lunch, I ran an errand and then went home to gather my stuff for my trip to Grandma's. Z & I texted while I was gone and as usual, he had me beaming from ear to ear. I'm telling ya, when you decide to wait on the Lord to send you the right one, you better get ready because when He does it, He does it RIGHT. So I get my things together and, running about 10 minutes late, make a quick tomato sandwich (which I've had every day for lunch this week and I LOVE) and head back to the office. As I'm coming in, a co-worker who's leaving for lunch says "I know something you don't know" and that scares me to death. I'm one of those people who imagines the worst possible thing that could happen so I'm anxious to get back in the office. When I walk through the door, I look at my desk and there they sit:

A dozen red roses.
My heart is pounding and I'm glistening (as we Southern girls do) and I read the card as everyone ooo's and ahhh's over them and it is the sweetest card with the perfect note from Z. I can't believe he sent me flowers-roses at that! I don't know what I did to deserve them but appreciate them so much. More importantly, I appreciate him-the way he treats me like a lady, respects me, wants to do for me, accepts me just as I am. Those of you who know me know I've never known a man like him who treats me the way I feel I should be but Z is definitely that man. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for having him in my life and though we took a huge risk even meeting each other, it's a risk I would gladly take again and again. Knowing him is worth it.

So I just wanted to share how blessed I am to have such a wonderful man in my life. Z proves that it's so worth it to wait for what God has destined for you. Sometimes He has to use incomprehensible ways to get it to you, but He will. And when He does, be ready to be overwhelmed!

Blessings to you all,
~B
The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17