On Dreaming Again

I started reading a new (to me) book yesterday. It's been sitting in my digital Kindle library for at least a year now patiently waiting for me to pick it from amongst the other 50 on my "To Read" list. Kinda like the book equivalent of picking teams in elementary school kickball. (I was always picked last-musical I was, athletic I most certainly was not.) Quite simply, Jon Acuff's Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job is the kick in the pants I need to start dreaming again. While thus far the book has made me feel completely inadequate about the quality of my life, I've been challenged to dream...and here I am, writing for the first time in over a year.

When I started this blog back in 2008, I was a 24 year old strong, independent, stubborn girl who had just moved to Texas to "chase a pair of pants" (thx Mom) & start a new adventurous chapter of my life. Little did I know that very year I would meet my future husband & embark on an adventure I never saw coming. We stayed in Texas for 3 years after getting married in 2009. I worked my dream job as the assistant director of a charter school until my roots started calling me home & Z and I made our way back east. Truthfully, I was in a very unhealthy state of mind & I believe that move quite literally saved my life. We lived with my parents for 10 months during which I was able to clear my mind, lose 60 pounds (out of 150 that I needed to lose), & reevaluate my outlook on life. I was 29 and 30 seemed to be staring me down to instill the fear of God in me about where I was headed.

By 2013, I had recovered quite a bit and we moved to Asheville, NC. We've loved every minute of calling this eclectic little city 'home'. I compare it to Austin, TX as we have our own bumper stickers that read "Keep Asheville Weird" & if you don't have one of these babies on your car, you better keep on drivin'.

The food scene is localized & diverse, the entertainment scene always draws crowds for both unique & mainstream artists, & the freedom to just be you is not only welcomed but celebrated.

The mountain air, breathtaking views, & slower pace of life have done my heart good-of course, being within a couple of hours of my parents & nephew has too. Especially since his little brother is on his way to us in July and has been dubbed Terry Leroy by big brother. I've evolved quite a bit since I first shared my voice back in '08-my life is far more simple (in countless ways), my priorities are in the right order, I feel more "me" than I ever have in my life. Probably because I understand myself more than I ever have in my life.

Over the past 7 years, I have been the student as life has taught me so much about love, loss, & most importantly-relationships. You see, I fully believe that relationships are 100% the entire reason God created us & put us all on the rotating ball of dirt together. Of utmost importance is my relationship with Him but I truly believe that all of my relationships with every human being I come into contact with are a very direct interaction with the Creator of the universe Himself. My family, friends, coworkers, grocery store clerk, car repairman-we're all created in His likeness and even though not all of my people love Jesus, we're still made like Him.

As a result of these relationships, I've learned more about grace than I ever thought I had a capacity for. Grace for myself-not putting undue pressure to conform or stand out, being secure in who I have been created to be. Grace for my husband-allowing him to be the man God created for me to share my life with and embracing the quirks of our marriage. Grace for my family-seeing our dynamics shift as age creeps upon all of us and loving the roles we play in each others' lives. Grace for my fellow humankind-understanding that because I do not walk in their shoes, I cannot know the full extent of their struggles & thus cannot make generalizations & judgements about their character.

My only hope is that from today, I will not allow the little voices of perfection, self-consciousness, and critique that are in my head to drown out the passion I feel sparked in me. Acuff says in chapter 3 of his book, "90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head." Today I'm going with the 90% & trusting you to have grace for the other 10.

My name is Bethany and I am broken.

Broken for my brothers and sisters who need food.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need warmth.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need love.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need Jesus.

This all started back in November. On my drive to and from work each day I pass at least 5 bus stops and on any given day I will see young men, single moms with children, older citizens-all of whom are just waiting for that ART bus to pull up so they can load it and move on towards their destinations.

When we first moved, it wasn't a big deal. Ok, public transportation is more widely used here than where we lived prior. Good for them-saving the earth and all. I mean, I recycle. After all, Asheville is a green city. When in Rome...

But as the weeks passed, I became increasingly more aware of their presence. The temperatures started to drop and I started to get more uncomfortable with nonchalantly passing them by each day. I'd start praying out loud for them when I passed asking God to keep them safe-hoping that simple act would be enough to help a little. Then there were the days the temps dropped to 0 and below-that one Tuesday where it was -7 but wind chill was -20. And I became as uncomfortable as a person driving by with seat warmers on, coffee in hand could be.

My heart broke a little more with each passing bus stop.

December took me by surprise when I discovered Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I finished it in record time and immediately wanted to give away everything I own. I'm talking clothes, pots and pans, lotions, even cleaning supplies-extreme! That would surely cure my aching heart right?

My husband talked me down and thankfully (I think) I finished that book on our way to Texas for his brother's wedding. Otherwise, I'm not sure what we would have had left when I got through.


But here I am 3 months after those initial cracks started in my heart and I'm stuck. God has been diligently seeking me out, telling me to get outside the box. Take the road less traveled. And so far I've taken a couple steps on that path. I'm sure I'm nowhere near where He'd like me to be. But I'm making progress-be it ever so slight.

And I'm praying He will continue to break my heart a little more each day.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Yeah, this post has been a long time coming. Yeah, this post should have happened over a year ago. Yeah, I'm still ridiculously sporadic in my posting.

And that's me. Love me or leave me.

I'm not even going to offer the routine apology for my another extended absence. If you follow me, you ought to be used to my wanton desire to write but lack of actual writing. All the same, thanks for stopping in again.

Of course I'm posting because I'm back at it again. Back at working hard to lose weight. I've read a lot of success stories by truly inspiring people and I've organized my food/exercise time for (hopefully) optimum success for myself. Another major catalyst is that my life right now is very different than it ever has been before. Let me explain briefly, if mainly to encourage myself a little about why I am where I am...

In October of 2012, Z & I decided that we were going to move closer to my fam. Yes, we both had great jobs & I was on the path of a very successful career but we also both knew that there was more to life than work. At first, he had to convince me but thanks to some revealing events at work (read: a dictator boss) and personal reflection, I was able to accept that the time had come to move on. So on November 30, 2012, we quit our jobs, packed up our things, and made the long drive from TX to NC. (One of the weirdest feelings ever, knowing I was driving that stretch of I-20 but wouldn't be returning within the week-our typical trip.)

So we did what any excited 20-something year old couple seeking adventure would do, we moved in with my parents. Wow, what a difference 10 years makes (it's been that long since I've lived within 100 miles of my parents, much less 100 feet of them). Really though, they've been so gracious & giving toward us as we figure out where we are headed and I can tell you right now, the extra time spent with my nephew, H has more than paid off any personality clashes while living with the 'rents.

And that's where we are right now-'figuring out where we are headed'. I honestly have no clue what that means. We've interviewed for a youth pastor position at a church a couple of hours away but both of us had bad vibes on that so it's a no go. Z met the brother of a family friend at the church we attended last Sunday and we really enjoy it there. They don't have a youth pastor but also don't have the $ to pay one so who knows, we may end up volunteering some there.

What I do know for now is that this is the ONLY period of my life I can remember that I have had enough time (because, you know, working and making money is so overrated) to really work on myself. I want to make the most of this in every way possible-especially since the first 2 months literally flew by and now it's already February. Come join me for this (hopefully) wild, (at times very) sarcastic, but (inevitably) hilarious adventure of life-one step at a time.

Ah, To Be Young Again

Since I am homebound for the evening and have been since noon today, it's time for an update. I'm actually bored out of my mind even though I have a few things to get done and I've already been pretty productive for someone who has a sever sinus infection, no voice, and can't stop coughing to save my life.

There's not too much to say since my last post yesterday. It's funny how when I'm busy I want to be home but when I'm stuck at home, I desperately want to be busy. When I woke up this morning and barely had a voice, I decided that a doctor's visit was in order. So I went ahead to work and called the doc 15 minutes after they opened. I was in and out of there in 30 minutes so after dropping off my prescription, picking up breakfast and working a bit longer, I made my way home. I was online for a bit and tried to sleep but could only doze. So I got up and did what any sick person would do.

I made pancakes, washed dishes, filed bills, organized my planner, rearranged kitchen cabinets, took out the trash, wrote a birthday card, checked e-mails and here I am. I definitely don't like this whole "lay around the house all day" thing which is why I would never be a good housewife. I'd at least have to volunteer or work part time. (And I am definitely not opposed to either of those options.)

Since The Refining (my girls' small group meeting) last night, I haven't really been able to stop thinking about them. I had 5 teenage girls 13-17 and in all honesty, I had no idea what to do with them. Our lesson was about feeling invisible and how we aren't invisible to God but they shared so much more than I imagined they would. I am amazed at how much young women determine their value based on what boys say about them. Or even their friends. My heart breaks for them and longs for them to understand that the only opinion that matters is God's. But I catch myself, even before I say something that sounds like it came straight out of my mother's mouth, remembering how I felt at 15 and what I wouldn't have given to have just 1 boy tell me I was beautiful. The extra sad thing about this? All of those girls are beautiful and have no idea how much potential they have. But then again, at their age, neither did I. It's so ironic how similar we (girls) all are and how much we long for the same things and really just desire acceptance and love. And no matter how long I preach that God created us exactly how He wants us to be and loves us beyond anything we could ever imagine, we still just desire human love and affection-myself included. I can't tell you how many times I catch myself wishing for the days of my teenage years again and what I would do differently and how great my friends were. And then I remember the angst that every teenage girl feels and all the time I wasted focusing on boys or how good/bad I looked. As the phrase says, "If I had known then what I know now..."

I just pray God is helping them through me. I pray that they would learn to love and accept themselves as the radiant and beautiful young ladies that I know they are. And above all else to seek the approval of the only One who truly matters...

For His smile,
B

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

Ok, this is getting scary...

Today's Christian Woman sends me an Encouraging Words Daily Devotional every morning. Today's devotion???

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Today's Verse from the New Living Translation

"Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't he also give us everything else? … Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. … No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." —Romans 8:32, 35, 37, 39 view in context

Encouragement for Today

Nothing can separate us from the love of God. We must not look to circumstances for evidence of God's love or proof that he will take care of us. If God did not withhold the best he had to give us—the life of his Son—will he not also give us everything else, including his love and power? When circumstances are dire, don't look at them. Gaze at the cross of Christ and what he suffered there for you. Then his suffering—and victory—will swallow up your suffering. Paul says that "overwhelming victory" is ours. —Diane Eble, author of Abundant Gifts: A Daybook of Grace-Filled Devotions

So I think God really is trying to tell me something. Whaddyathink?

Isn't it ironic???

Blessings,
B

P.S. Thanks to my amazing fiance for the idea of adding our wedding countdown to my page!

Our greatest plans...

often go awry. Unfortunately, that's been the motto with my blog as of late. I've written 2 posts but after clicking the 'Publish Post' button, Blogger decided to erase significant chunks of my writing both times. The 1st I edited the content back in after an e-mail from my mother. The 2nd I have yet to correct and re-post (so it's sitting in my draft list) because I just haven't felt like recreating almost half of the post. One day soon, I hope but that explains my absence.

Yesterday dealt me an ugly blow by my despised enemy Mr. Reality regarding my personal life. I knew this day was coming but I was doing all I could to run the opposite direction. But I just couldn't run fast enough and he caught up with me. Thankfully, good can come from bad and God does make messages out of my messes. I am definitely learning total dependence on Him through this situation. When you've reached the end of who you are and what you have, there He begins. And the funny thing is that He wants me to reach for Him first to begin with, which I fail to do so often. I've been in similar situations before but never with such pressure that I feel now.

The irony is that lately my daily e-mail devotions have been dealing with God being faithful and working things out for me. He is my Shield, my Protector, my Defender, my Provider, my Way Maker. I especially love that in Romans, Paul asks us that if God gave us His most prized possession, His Son, so why would he withhold anything else from us? My God is faithful and always shows up on time and I know He will in this situation as well. And if it causes me to be drawn closer to Him, bring on the struggles.

On the positive side, Zeb and I have grown closer through this, as we always do during trials. He has, once again, proven himself to be the best blessing I've ever received. I am able to be 100% completely honest and he continues to love and support me as best he can long distance. Today he even e-mailed me a "Prayer Time" playlist for me to use while I spent some MUCH needed time in serious prayer. My life is blessed to the utmost because of him and I would never want to even try to find someone to compare to him-I know I'd fail miserably. He is sensitive to my needs and knows exactly what I need to feel safe and when I need a spiritual kick in the tushie (and how to say that without feeling like I'm being kicked). He really is my soulmate and that surprises me and makes me grateful beyond measure every day.

For now, I am choosing to be thankful for my blessings. Even with hardships, I am blessed-with a fabulous family and friends, job security, an amazing fiance, a progressing church, a dependable car, a nice home with all the amenities I need, and more food and clothes than I need. I realize that I am unworthily blessed and have decided to live accordingly-walking in confidence and gratitude that the Lord of creation is not just my Best Friend but my Daddy.

Blessings,
B
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Romans 8:32

Will You Be My Valentine?

Yes, it's official. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. It's cheesy but I love LOVE and being able to do things for people just because I love them-not expecting anything in return or wanting to be recognized. People don't expect treats for Valentine's day unless they are in a committed relationship. Yet that's just what I did last year on this day. I had broken up with the reason I moved to Texas in December and was quite depressed with the expectations I had for the "Day of Love". But instead of grieving what was or could have been or would be, I decided to make treats for those around me who may not always be appreciated the way they should be. I ended up taking them to the ladies at my bank, my co-workers, and my mail delivery person. That night, I cooked myself a nice dinner and stayed in to shamelessly watch chick flicks and celebrate love...with myself.

See, the way I express my love is by giving gifts-whether they're homemade, store bought or just randomly created. I LOVE to give people things or do things for them. I love to see the look in their eyes or hear the excitement in their voice as they receive or realize I've done something for them. And it's not about the recognition really (ok, maybe a little) but for me, to brighten their day even in the smallest way is the most rewarding gift I could ever receive.

Recently, my mom and I were conversing about our lives and making a difference for people. Through all of my transition lately, I've been reflecting over my life and wondering if I've made a difference for anybody at all in my 25 years on this planet. I know I've taught classes and helped people but I wonder if my contributions have made that big of an impact on the world. In that conversation my mom reminded me of the following story by Loren Eiseley:

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."

That conversation with my mom, who had been doing the same kind of introspection that I was in desperate need of, changed my view of my life. I now realize that if I make a difference for just 1 person (each day, each week, each month) that my life has purpose. I know God can use my mess to make a message and I pray He will take the mess that I make of my life sometimes a lot of the time and turn it into something beneficial for someone. May my life be always and only for His glory, pointing ever upward as I take each step in faith.

So now, each morning as I awake and get ready for my day, I ask myself:

Who's my starfish for today???

Blessings,
B
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2:20

I Deserve It

A couple weeks ago, I took a late lunch as I was acting as receptionist at my office for the day since our regular had a sick kid. As I ate my pb & j and chips and salsa, I flipped on the TV and found Rachel Ray's show was on. Granted, I am not a huge Rachel Ray fan but she was my best option at that time of day and one of her guests was Bob Greene, whose "Best Life" diet has skyrocketed to the top of the diet and fitness scene in recent months.

As Rachel interviewed Bob, they were talking about dieting, eating right, exercise and during the interview Bob made 2 statements similar to these:

1. The barrier between women and losing weight is often that they don't feel they deserve the best for themselves.

2. Being overweight is just a symptom of another area in a person's life that is lacking.

Bob, I couldn't agree more. All my life, I have observed the various women in my life (including myself) work hard and sacrifice for others yet when they needed something or felt pressured, it was their own health or mental well-being that was sacrificed. Not that men don't, but I've seen more women who feel obligatory duties and in the process lose sight of taking care of themselves. I've done the same in recent years past.

I make decisions, choose activities, knowing I don't have near enough time to get everything done and won't be able to be effective at everything. I also know I won't have any quality time for myself unless you count grabbing a pb&j for lunch and bowl of cereal for dinner as I race from work to appointment to activity to church to fall into the bed exhausted every night.

But God is changing my mind. In the past few months, I've begun to realize and be more confident in one very important fact that has changed the way I see myself and my life. That fact?

I DESERVE IT.

I deserve to say 'no' to the numerous requests for my time. I deserve scheduling 'Me' time into my busy days. I deserve the chance to assert myself and my positive qualities as I search for jobs. I deserve to take time for the people I love. I deserve to work at a job that I enjoy, not just the 1st one that comes along or pays the best. I deserve to be treated respectfully. But most of all, I deserve to treat myself as good as I treat others.

(Not to seem egotistical but...) It's a well-known fact that I will do everything within my power to help anyone I possibly can-running errands, taking care of kids, planning events, making phone calls, organizing, listening, working for, etc. But I do very little of those same things for myself. Thankfully, that's been made crystal clear in the past few months and as I embark on a new stage of my life, I am better equipped to balance my life more equally.

But the most important reason that I believe I deserve it (whatever 'it' is), is that I believe God created us to enjoy this life. And while helping our fellow mankind is of utmost importance as part of my Christian walk, nowhere in the Bible does it say to totally neglect yourself and be miserable trying to do everything for everybody else. My thought is that if I will take care of myself, I will be more capable of helping others.

So for all you women out there who work long hours, devote unlimited time to others, and sacrifice your desires for everyone else in your life, YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST! And YOU are the only person who's going to take up for you! Take the time to do things you enjoy, things that are totally out of the norm, and even things that you never thought you'd want to do. You deserve to be good to yourself and remember: You deserve it!

Blessings,
B

Judge Not

Late last week, I was browsing Facebook and was FB stalking (yes, I am one of those people) some people I know from my former life in TN when I had a sudden thought:

How often have I allowed other people's opinions influence my perception of people?

That may not be earth-shattering for you but it definitely was for me. In the not too distant past (i.e. my last couple years of college), I made close friends with some ministry mentors. We bonded quickly over our passion for ministry but also our ability to have fun. I fell in love with their kids and found myself spending A LOT of time with these friends. They challenged me in ministry, offered consolation and comfort in times of need and we always laughed together. Even though I knew I was being somewhat of a doormat by being at their beck-and-call all of the time and taking care of their kids sooo much, I was faithful and convinced myself that it would all even out in the end.

Normally, such a relationship would be appreciated. And it was. For a time. But during the course of the friendship, I allowed myself to be subjected to some harsh opinions and perceptions from said friends. And even though I picked up on it, I was brain-washed, in a sense, into believing that such thoughts were validated and justified.

But now that that friendship has ended (on some fairly bad terms), I have realized that I developed some negative character traits during the time I invested in them. And I'm determined to change them. See, during our 4 year friendship, I often listened to their thoughts, opinions, and perceptions about other people and things and then adopted those as my own thoughts, opinions and perceptions without giving them a chance and trying them for myself. In realizing this, I have also seen that I missed out on getting to know some pretty great people and trying some new stuff that could have really impacted my life. This makes me sad because I think-well, I know-that I've been rude to and not included people in my life that I should have. I've not allowed people in that could have had a positive influence on me and been good friends. I've not done things because I was too busy pouring my life into someone else's, someone who didn't care about my best interests 100%. Thankfully, I chose not to listen to them when I first met Z because look what I would have missed out on!

And honestly? I'm very ashamed of all this. I'm ashamed that I listened so intently to them and not enough to the One who knows exactly what I need and will fill every void in my life. I'm ashamed I treated others with such contempt instead of loving them and treating them with the respect and love of Christ. I'm ashamed that I hung on so tightly to the words of mere humans instead of clinging to the Word of the Almighty who is omniscient. And most of all, I'm ashamed that I let my Father down so much by being more infatuated with other people than with Him.

But thank You, Lord for 2nd chances.

I guess this post is more for myself than anyone else but I wanted to let it be known that I'm doing more exploration and attempting more new things in my life now. I'm getting to know more strangers, especially people I wouldn't normally be friends with. I'm making more evaluations of people and things and foods and activities based on my experiences. I'm going out on quite a few more limbs and I can't wait to see how much more full my life becomes!

Blessings,
B
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:1-2

Does that make me crazy? Probably.

(Thanks Gnarls Barkley, for the blog title.)

Just when I thought things would settle down somewhat, they get intensely busier.

In a matter of 12 hours my job went on the total chaos track, wedding planning has me COMPLETELY freaked out, and church work has officially invaded and dominated every other thought I've had today. Talk about driving somebody crazy.

Today has just been a hectic day and I know that things will improve once I am gainfully employed in Tyler. I do have a phone screening set up for tomorrow so we'll see how that goes. I am just anxious to get moved and settled.

As I sat in my office manager's office just chatting about the next step for me and for the agency, I had a slap in the face thanks to my very own life. Coming to Paris has been a literal rollercoaster for me. When I first arrived, things were slow and steady. They eventually picked up until they were at full blast 24/7 it seemed, and now they have calmed back down (if only momentarily). But with all the things I've experienced-the spiritual mountaintops that made me feel invincible, the heartbreak I thought I'd never recover from, the joy that I shared with everyone I knew, the tears I cried alone some nights-all of those have helped mold me into the confident woman that I am today.

The relationship I was in when I moved here allowed me to see what I need in a man, what I desire and, in turn what I don't need-which is equally important. I learned to never settle for a man who is less than what I deserve-and I most definitely am not. He also taught me that though I may be intimidating to some, that is my confidence and self-assuredness that I automatically emit even when I am scared to death. And all of those things are ok. The time spent with that young man was worth it. I pray God's blessings on him as he seeks to find his destiny. As always, God had His best for me and that relationship was just part of the journey.

The job I have worked for the past 15 months has shown me that good can come from all situations-even a *seemingly* dead-end job. It may not have been a field I know or care about and I may have had to work with some 'interesting' characters while I've been there, but God has used me and I am confident of that. Without sounding haughty, my co-workers have needed to be reminded of the grace of God and the unconditional love He bestows even if they haven't fully accepted it. If nothing else, they needed the smiling face and positive attitude I've attempted to have while being there. And it's done them some good to see a person who can get along with everyone and not participate in office politics that they tire themselves on daily. Not to mention that I've learned more about insurance than I ever thought I'd know which will serve me very well in the future.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is that times of solitude are often when God can till the garden of my heart and then plant and cultivate His ultimate plan for my life. Has my time in Paris been a walk in the park? Not by any means. But had I not come here, I would have never slowed down enough to turn down the noise of my busy life and listen to His still, small voice gently calling me to ministry. Sure, I knew I wanted to be in ministry but I would have never anticipated the opportunity of being so intensely involved. And that involvement led me to be assured that as I lean on Him to Pilot my life, He will make me far more successful and satisfied than my own schemes would have been. Paris will forever be my launching pad for the ministry and even with the heartache this town has seen me through, I will always remember it fondly and be grateful for the opportunity to have served here.

But with this new year, I am on to new and different opportunities. I don't believe places can ever be adequately compared as each church and ministry is its own. But as Paris held great experiences and opportunities, Tyler holds even more. And I can't wait to embark on that leg of my journey!

Blessings,
B
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I have decided to follow Jesus

I found myself singing that song with more passion than ever this Sunday morning before Christmas. The pastor had just finished his holiday sermon about the Life, Love, and Logos of the Word and I was just one in the sea of people in that big Baptist church. Without going into a lot of detail, there were some events that transpired at the church I joined and had been so faithful to during my time in Paris that made it pretty much impossible for me to continue attend. Fortunately, I guess you could say, I've been out of town every weekend for the past month so I hadn't dealt with the blow of attending another church in town. Until today. But I resigned myself to going to this particular church as I had gone to a women's conference there back in February and had been quite impressed.

In all honesty, I kind of expected to feel like a fish out of water. It had been this way last Christmas after the guy I was dating, considered marrying, and moved to Paris for broke up with me. He was the youth pastor at our church and I wondered if I'd ever be able to be a member there and be comfortable again. In fact, over the Christmas holidays, I started the process of preparing to move back east, to NC, where I knew I could settle back into the comfort of home. Christmas hadn't been the joyous, heartfelt holiday it had always been and I had suffered through every minute of it. We all know that story had a different ending but this year, I found myself in much of the same situation. I was mourning the loss of a dear friendship and the loss of the safe haven that church had been to me. Yet again in the throes of transition with preparations to move, start a new job and get married, I didn't see how this Christmas was any more joyful than the last and was throwing a great pity party for myself.

But there I was, seated in the flawlessly decorated sanctuary, listening to the pianist play this childhood favorite. And though the rest of the congregation remained silent, I couldn't help but allow the words to spill over my lips. For it was in that moment, the sweet, hushed voice of the Holy Spirit reminded me what my life is really supposed to be about. And as I closed my eyes and bowed my head and continued to sing softly, I began to realize again that I had made a choice to follow Jesus and there would be no turning back. I could allow my life to be overrun by circumstances and worldly things or I could die daily to myself and pick up my cross to follow Him.

So there, in that big, Baptist church, singing a non-traditional Christmas song, I relinquished control again to the only Man who sees me in all my imperfections but still continues to love me perfectly and I began to see the true meaning of Christmas.

Blessings,
B
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

And for the record...

Changing jobs/desks at my office = mass confusion. Especially since the office manager isn't here today and these girls need some hand-holding when it comes to such commotion.

But this is just the beginning. Today it's my desk, in the next few weeks it will be my house, and within the year my entire life will be completely different than it is today. I choose to look at it as a renovation, updating, if you will. My life at this point is good-things are moving along at a steady pace and I'm comfortable. But it's time to step out of my comfort zone-in a lot of areas. And so here it comes, the dreaded 'C' word...CHANGE. Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

This should cause fear, trepidation, and uneasiness. I should be stressed, doubtful and anxious. Yet for me, it is different. There is courage, not fear. There is contentment, not trepidation. There is peace, not uneasiness. I am relaxed, not stressed. I am confident, not doubtful. I am assured, not anxious.

And all because I know Who holds my future & whose Hand I hold.

Blessings,
B

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23

These Times They Are A-Changin'

CHANGE IS HARD.

Yeah, yeah. I know after such a long period of silence you probably want to read something a bit more revolutionary. But I'm sticking to what I know and I know change is hard.

There's a lot in my life that seems to be changing. Actually, the majority of what is changing is me. If you had asked me even just 3 months ago where I thought I'd be by Thanksgiving, I don't know exactly what I would have said but I certainly wouldn't have anticipated being here of all places.

Now, I know what you're thinking (Mom) and no, I'm not moving. This week anyway. My life just seems to have taken off on a spin of it's own, completely out of my control. Which, if you know me at all, is very unprecedented. I'm usually on top of things and have a plan for at least the next 7.2 weeks. But somehow, there is a plan that is being laid out before me that is not my own. And well, my only conclusion is that the other Person who is control of my life must be laying it out. And for once, I'm ok with that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and a wee bit skeert but overall, there's a calming Voice assuring me that 'This is how it's supposed to be.' So I just keep walking and trusting, my hand in His.

I read an article this morning, well, really a blog from Jeremi Richardson of the group Avalon. In his writing, Jeremi recounts reading Dr. Randy Pausch's book (author of The Last Lecture) and reconsidering all the 'brick walls' in his life. Over the past year, give or take a few months, I've made lots of plans only to meet, in many cases, a brick wall. So many times, I consider those brick walls a stopping point, concluding that if I meet such a wall, then what's on the other side must not be meant for me and my life. But Jeremi poses some good thoughts that he gleaned from Dr. Pausch's book about those walls, especially this one:

Brick walls are there for a reason, they let us prove how badly we want something.

So I'm left with questions. And driven to this prayer:

Lord,
Help me accept the brick walls that signify an end to my journey in that direction. Help me continue to persevere in the direction of those that signify simply an obstacle to prove my desire for what's on the other side. But most importantly Lord, give me the discernment to identify which is which and the wisdom to know the difference. I trust You.
Your daughter,
Bethany.

Here's hoping that you'll be able to pray a similar prayer soon.

Blessings,
Bethany

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I Live For Weekends!

My older brother had a shirt with a cartoon duck saying that on it when he was in junior high.

Is it sad that for me, that statement is true? I really do live for weekends. Friday nights spent traveling to see loved ones or being lazy or hanging out with friends; Saturdays spent with those loved ones or being lazy or cleaning or writing or reading; Sundays spent at church with afternoon naps and random meals. That is what I live for.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my weekdays. They just aren't my favorites. Especially Mondays. But it's funny to me how some very significant things can take place on weekdays and really, our weekdays determine our weekends, they set the tone. If we get a lot done during the week, we may get the occasional lazy weekend. If we are lazy during the week, we work on our days off. And sometimes, it's both-a busy week AND a busy weekend. Unfortunately, my life consists of mostly the last option.

But here's the question I ask myself at least once, every day:

Is what I'm doing making a difference???

Now I realize we all have obligations. I'm single so I am solely responsible for the upkeep of my home and taking care of tasks every day. Me having a lazy day means that I'll be the only one making up for it later. But I'm starting to learn the ebb and flow of that. However, the times when this question is really prominent are when I'm running around, acting like a mad woman trying to get anything accomplished. It's in those moments when my inner voice, the Holy Spirit, seems to flash that question across my mind.

And it's in those moments that I completely understand what is meant in Ecclesiastes 1:2-3: "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?

Those words really hit home when you feel that's what your whole life's work is sometimes. They stir up feelings of anger, sadness, regret, contempt, even jealousy (towards others who seem more fulfilled). Yes, I know I make a difference for a lot of people in my church and in my life. But I think you, my faithful Blab readers, understand what I mean. I want to 'know in my knower' and 'feel in my feeler' that I'm making a difference. I want to see the fruits of my labor. It's my desire to leave my mark on the world. A mark that only I, Bethany Ann Pearce, can leave.

I believe that one day, at the end of all of our journeys, we'll stand before our Creator, the Author & Finisher of our faith, and He'll ask us what marks we made on the world. I don't think He'll ask us the number of marks but about the quality of the marks we were able to make. Did we truly give Him glory through the marks we were able to make in the places we were able to make them? He won't compare our marks to anyone else's but He will compare the marks we made to our potential. And I want to be able to stand and confidently say, "Lord, I made the best marks I could."

So let me ask you this: Are you leaving your you-shaped mark???

It's Nice To Meet You

Her name was Shirley Faye Early although I didn't know that when I saw her.

As I drove back to the office after a relaxing lunch hour, I passed her as I took my turn by the Mexican restaurant as I do every day. A few minutes early, I planned to clock in and regain a few of the minutes I had lost by being late this morning-as I am almost every day. But as I saw the little lady, dressed in red, hands full of grocery bags walking feebly down that street, my eyes took a second glance and then my heart began to pound. And that's when I knew this was my chance-my chance to make a difference.

Since most of you readers aren't part of my everyday life, I'll fill you in. Lately my prayers have been all about making a difference. Yes, I stay busy and yes, most of the things I do to stay busy have to do with God's work. And while I realize that church work does make a difference, my desire is to actually make a difference for individuals-to shine Jesus' light for them to see. Which is how I met Shirley Faye Early.

So as I found the nearest semi-circle drive, a million thoughts ran through my mind. My mom and her stories of picking up pedestrians who appeared in need... The countless warnings she and my dad had given me when I started driving about picking up strangers... But none of that mattered now. I knew I was meant to pick up that little, feeble woman. I turned around and pulled up beside her on the side street she was now walking. I could smell that she hadn't had a good bath in days and she was missing most, if not all of her teeth but the way she called me "dear" broke my heart for this kind woman. After accepting my offer for a ride, she showed me her right hand which had numerous stitches along the proximal joint of her pinky finger and explained that she had to be careful and that's why she was walking so slow. She directed me to the apartment complex where she lived and even helped me dodge the potholes along the street that ran in front of it.

As we pulled up to the row she lived in, I offered to help her get the groceries in (including the loaf of bread that had been mashed during the first part of her trek home) and we made our way to her home-a small one bedroom, one bath musty-smelling apartment. It appeared clean, just cluttered with artifacts that evidenced a full life history. I was only there briefly and didn't take much in but as I told her thank you for allowing me to drive her, I asked her name.

"Shirley, Shirley Faye Early," came the reply and I felt her arms wrap around me in the tightest embrace I've felt in a long time.

"God bless you, Ms. Early," I responded as I headed out the door. "You too," was her response and I uttered a "see you later" and was gone.

Why this seemingly small incident has affected me to such depth, I have no idea. Except that I know it was a "God moment". I truly believe He used this event to remind me of my passion for serving others-even in the smallest of ways. Sure it cost me about 5 minutes of my time and a little effort but other than that, this favor was free. It didn't even incur a gallon of gasoline. So why am I not doing these things more often???

Because I'm selfish. I'm spoiled. I'm self-absorbed. I go through my daily routine and do what pleases me, what makes me happy, what satisfies me. And I get defensive if I start feeling prompted to do more because "I'm already sacrificing so much for the church." Here's the thing though: God doesn't need me to save the church; He needs me to save the lost. Churched people have already found Him, or at least are on their way and have found a safe refuge with the opportunity to do so. But people in the world are far more vulnerable to Satan and his lies and deceit. So I must be His hands and feet. I must speak His words and give His hugs. I must give the gifts of hope and joy to a dying and depressed world. Not only does it help those who are searching but it fulfills me.

And through the help of my Jesus, my minute efforts can be grandiose gestures for the Shirley Faye Earlys of the world.

What's In A Name?

Bethany Ann Pearce

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Growing up, I've had more than my share of nicknames and for the most part, I love them. Being called by so many terms of endearment makes me feel loved and helps me know that I mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Here's just a few...

*BAP to all my high school friends
*Bethany Ann to my mother when she is mad
*Bet to my dad
*Boo to a church friend in high school
*BP to a former boss
*BB to my 2nd family
*Betania to my Spanish/Brazilian friends
*Bethany Pearcey to a former boss & an ex
*Betty to an old college roommate
*Betney to another old roommate
*Anne to my French classmates
*Brittany to some confused elderly people
*Thunder Thighs to a "dear" friend
*Heifer to some other "precious" friends

And those are just a few. Over the years I've been called just about any variation of Bethany or BAP you can think of. My least favorite? Beth. Yes, that's worse to me than either of the last 2 I listed. I happen to like my full name and hate the shortened version. But most of the time, I can be called by any of those names or variations and I will answer. Any person could call any of them and I'd come running. And the funny thing is that I'd probably be able to tell who was calling me just by the choice of name used.

I think that's how God is too.

During my prayer times lately I've been thinking about all the names of God. I'm definitely not a theologian but I know a few and what they mean and have been very interested to learn more. What is so amazing to me is that my God, the God who led the Israelites out of Egypt and eventually into the Promised Land, who sent prophecies through His servants proclaiming the coming of His only Son to save all humanity to eternal life, who gave up His most prized possession, who orchestrated all of the miracles of the new Testament and who has sustained His followers throughout history hears me, my feeble cry when I simply whisper His name-Jesus.

That astounds me.

And not only does He hear the whispered prayers, but He responds to my angry wailing, my grateful shouting and my heartfelt praising. He knows exactly what I (or anyone else for that matter) need just by the name I call Him. He hears me if I call Him by Jesus or any of His other countless names. Some of my favorites are:

*Adonai: Sovereign Lord
*El Shaddai: All-Sufficient God
*El Roi: God who sees me
*Immanuel: God with us
*Jehovah Rophe: The Lord our Healer
*Jehovah Jireh: The Lord our Provider
*Jehovah Nissi: The Lord our Banner
*Jehovah Shammah: The Lord is Present
*Jehovah Tsidkenu: The Lord our Righteousness

There are so many more (and I encourage you to become aware of them) but these are just the first ones that come to mind. I am comforted that God, my God, can be so many things to me. Better yet, He can be so many things to so many people all at the same time. I am quite honestly in awe that the God of the universe, who created all things and all beings, takes time to give me His attention and not just that but the presence of His Holy Spirit is so vast that it is all around the globe yet even within me. How does this happen? How can it be?

But that's the beauty of our Lord and our faith. He is infinite and unfathomable. Our human finite minds cannot comprehend the vastness of deity that He is. And you know, even though that frustrates me so much, it's comforting at the same time. Because in knowing that He is such an incomprehensible God, I am reminded that He is so much bigger than me and more knoweldgeable that I am. His daily view is of the big picture of our lives, of the universe. And even though He doesn't get bogged down with daily 'junk', He is concerned with the details of my life. And of yours.

That is so mind-boggling to me and yet I am grateful. My feeble words could never express the gratitude I have for my Lord, my God, my Jesus. It is my prayer that you will find Him to be all that you, your heart, could ever need or want.

Blessings,
B
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. " Isaiah 55:8-9

Advice Overload

When it comes to important, life-altering decisions, I love getting advice from other people. Problem is, I love getting advice from other people so much that I sometimes lose my own opinion and voice among all the others I'm hearing. Biggest problem is, I forget to seek advice from the only person who knows the final outcome of my life-the Lord.

I've been stretched to my emotional limit max as of late and haven't dealt with it well. There are so many situations that are very unstable in my life right now and as a result of that instability, I have become an unstable person. I know I've been running the opposite direction of the way I need to be but life (for many people including myself) has gotten so hard lately.

So now, I'm searching for what I feel, what I want, what I need. And I don't really want any more unsolicited (and at times, even solicited) advice. Because that just results in me feeling very torn between what I feel, in both my head and my heart, and the other opinions that are expressed. I've got to seek the ultimate Organizer of my life, my Agent. I need to find out what He has me scheduled for so that I can hurry up and get on with it.

I realize this hasn't been the most uplifting post (and it may not have made any sense to some of you reading) but I'm not really sorry about it. We all have ups and downs, good and bad. Today just happens to be one of my "off" days. And now that I'm taking a stand and am going to make a conscientious effort to be more of the woman God created me to be, I'm expecting the turnaround. And the God I serve, is large and in charge-of my life and my future.

Happy Hump Day

Now that TI30 is over, I don't really know what to write about? What did I write about before TI30??? ... Oh yeah, not much of anything.

This week has been fairly calm-thanktheLord. After a chaotic past few weeks (no, mom & dad, you didn't make things chaotic), I'm ready to be back in my routine. Isn't that funny? How most of the time, we long for something different, something exciting and then when something different and exciting happens, we want things to get back to "normal"? Ok, maybe you don't feel that way but I do. I am a closet creature of habit. :) That's just my personality-perhaps because I'm a planner and want things mapped out. So when something throws a kink in the plans, I get a little uptight.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Trying to figure out what the next step is for me, where my future is headed. I'll admit, I've wandered around a bit attempting to create my own path myself but I've recently rediscovered the Way and am learning to embrace His plan and His will. It's not easy for someone like me to trust. I don't suppose it's easy for any of us to trust a Being we've never seen, never touched. But I believe that's the purpose of faith. If we had seen and had touched our Creator, how hard would it be to trust Him? But our beliefs are tested by the challenge to put our hand in His and take the next step with each new day.

I'll also admit I haven't done so great with taking His hand every day here lately. It's seemed so much easier to walk in front of Him, me leading as He follows and watches. That's my comfort zone-me taking the lead and being in charge and letting Him just observe. Even though I know that's not the intended plan for my life, it just seems to come so naturally-as I guess it should since He created us to be beings of choice. But you know what has happened? Sure, I've been happy during the process with being able to lead myself and make my own decisions. But I've been very dissatisfied with the end results. At the close of every day, I long to see an area where I made a difference or truly accomplished something of worth. But I have nothing to show for all my toil. Why? Because although I did everything the way I wanted to, I did it my way-instead of under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

So I'm working on that-taking time to hear direction from God and then acting on it rather than taking action and hoping it fits into God's plan for me. I believe I will feel a greater sense of purpose and accomplishment-not that I should boast anyway. It's not I who lives, it's Christ in me. (Galatians 2:20) So as I seek to correct my mistakes, please show a little grace with me. It will go a long way. And the amount of grace that you show to me, I'll be happy to return.

Here's to praying the Lord will lead you instead of just observe you.

Blessings,
B
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

Yep

I'm blogging and it's not even time for TI30 yet. :)

I just wanted to share how good God is-in case you need any reminding. As I shared last night, my mood has not been the best as of late. My brain is tired of thinking through different situations in my life and my heart is tired of worrying about it all. There are a lot of changes getting ready to take place around me and for once, I feel fairly stable. Besides my work situation, everything else in my life is on the up and up. But that is not the case for many of the people I am close to-several are in the process of major re-locations and for some reason, I find worrying about it all much easier than just laying it at the feet of Jesus. Although I know He can bear it much better than I can (and He already knows the outcome), I like to be in control-or at least think I am-and hold on to the weight of the burden. Not to mention the spiritual dry spell I am going through but that's another blog for another day.

So after feeling down in my spirit for the past few days, I come into the office today, check my e-mail, and find this as the devotion from the daily devotional e-mail I receive:

Today's Verse from the New Living Translation

The LORD always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does. The LORD helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads. … The LORD is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness. The LORD is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them. Psalm 145:13–14, 17–19 view in context

Encouragement for Today

Do you feel overwhelmed, weighed down beneath heavy burdens of too much responsibility, poor health, wayward children, or financial woes? Don't be afraid to call on God and cry out to him for help. If the truth is that you're in dire need of help, that's okay—call on God. Whatever your situation is, take it to God. Trust that he's "gracious in all he does" and "filled with kindness." Believe that he's close to you and will grant your deepest desires.

Now, my friend, tell me my God isn't good!?!?! I am amazed at how intently He listens to my cares and concerns and provides before I even know what I need. Why He is so loving and giving to me, I'll never know but I'm so grateful that He is. Thank You, Lord.

Back with more later,
B

When I Fall In Love

Growing up, every little girl dreams of when she'll be able to sing that old Doris Day song and know that she's found that forever love. I know I've spoken of it quite a bit but I do feel that I've found mine. And it all changed in an instant.

Z and I had been "officially" dating for 5 weeks and had known each other for just under 2 months. Things were moving fast-faster than I was comfortable with and I knew that I wasn't just falling-I had fallen. At this point, I had been to Arlington 3 times and Z had come to Paris twice. The second time was the weekend right after the first time he visited and it was a total surprise. He showed up at my house on a Saturday evening just as a friend and I were getting ready to go to a concert here in town. I had just stepped out of the shower and was applying my makeup. The doorbell rang, my friend answered it and there he stood. I thought she was kidding but she told me to put on some clothes and come see for myself. So I threw on a tank and my pj bottoms and she was right. It was him. That was the start of the change.

He stayed through the weekend and into the first part of the week, not leaving until Tuesday evening. Those two weekdays were special-I'd go home for lunch and he'd be there. We spent one evening visiting a newborn church member in the hospital, eating pizza & ice cream & watching Madea. Tuesday evening before he left, I came home from work and he had folded the laundry, done the dishes and cleaned up the house. (Now do you understand why I love him so much ladies?) So we were able to just enjoy each other's company before he had to head home.

After he left, my pastor's wife called to see how I was doing. We made small talk for a few and hung up. Her daughter (who is like my sister) called back minutes later, inviting me over to watch a movie. I agreed since I was pretty bummed about Z leaving so I arrived and we (me, Pastor, & PW-pastor's wife) sat and chatted in their living room. The kids were busy "cleaning" (aka playing) so we were able to have some adult conversation. After discussing all the likes and dislikes (though those were few) of my situation, I could tell my heart was changing. Pastor & PW know me the best of anyone outside of my family (especially spiritually) so I value their opinions. They both gave Z the stamp of approval (not that it was needed but I felt better with it) and we chatted about other random topics. After PW & I talked his ear off, Pastor went to bed-it was late when I got there-but PW and I continued our discussion of the situation. At some point during the conversation, I began to cry and when PW asked why, I had no good explanation. I was scared but not enough to cry so hard. Once I began to contemplate it, I realized why I was crying and exactly what was wrong:

Now that I had found the one I believe God made for me, I didn't want to be alone anymore.

See, up to this point, I had enjoyed my independence, my freedom. I liked living alone, having my space, not feeling pressured or tied down. I didn't have to ask anybody's permission to do anything and I didn't have to feel guilty for doing what I wanted to do.

But now, I had met this man. A man who I wanted to be with, who I wanted to ask permission from, who I wanted to be tied to. A man who made me feel like a woman, who treated me like a lady, and who respected me as a sister in Christ. And that enjoyment of freedom was snuffed out-in the blink of an eye. In fact, the average person on the outside looking in would have never noticed anything different. But that night into the early morning hours of August 20, 2008 there was a 180 degree change for me.

So now, here are Z & I-struggling to follow God's will for us; wanting to press the fast-forward button on our lives but knowing we should cherish every here-and-now moment together. And that's just what we plan to do-for the rest of our lives.

I love you, Z.
Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. Ruth 1:16b-17

Blessings,
B
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13