Yes, it's taken me over a week to post again (regardless of the time/date stamp on this one-I've been writing since then). But here's another semi-revelation from yours truly :)
This one's based on a very common, seemingly insignificant occurrence but I hope your heart will see the valuable lesson to be learned and perhaps change your thought process as it has mine.
Every day on my way to work, I pass First Christian Church of Paris that appears to be somewhat prominent in the community and seems to have been established for quite a while. Back before Christmas, this church decided that it was time to update their church sign, which at the time was two simple metal poles sticking out of the ground with the metal sign hanging between them. The day this project began, I saw 2 men-1 obviously the contractor hired to do the job and the other the pastor perhaps-on the site with a truckload of cement blocks/bricks and the tools necessary for mortar and bricklaying. "Oh good", I thought, "This shouldn't take long-maybe a couple of days. Just long enough to build a small, yet stately sign to improve the overall aesthetics of the church." On my way home that day I checked the location to see the base for the sign looking complete and ready for the sides and later the top. So I assumed it would be finished the next day or day after that at the latest. Shortly after 5pm on day 2 I drove by to see that a few more steps had been taken but with no end in sight. And again on day 3, there was still no sign of being near the end. After a week and a half of driving by and checking progress each time, I gave up hope that this seemingly small project would be finished anytime soon as each day I didn't see any more evidence that more work had been done.
These observations have been ongoing for the past six weeks or so and a couple of weeks ago I saw why the contractor had been taking so much longer than I thought he needed. It was at this point that I saw not only the center brick structure for the sign but the contractor had also built two square columns on either side of that stand that added even more prominence to the sign. I'm sure the pastor of the church or whomever was placed over this project had instructed the worker to build those columns, they were just unexpected from an observer's point of view. And just this week, work has been completed. The simple, old sign still stands in close proximity to the new, stately one that matches the brick of the church but it almost fades in view of the recent addition.
Why is this such a significant chain of events? I do have a point-as usual. You see, as I continued to observe the careful actions taken by the contractor during this process, I noticed that not only did he do a beautiful job on the construction and completion of the sign, he also paid close attention to detail. He placed the bricks perfectly and also gave the mortar ample time to dry. This whole ordeal may seem insignificant to our "Name It & Claim It", "Blab It & Grab It" society but I'd like to share with you the spiritual implications that I noticed as I took the time to ponder the process.
In my spiritual mind, the contractor is played by the Holy Spirit, me and my life are represented by the bricks and mortar and the pastor (or whomever initiated the project) is God. In His almighty omniscience, God has a vision and plan for what my life will look like and who I will become over time. He uses His presence here on earth, the Holy Spirit, to lead and guide me as I journey through life making decisions and building myself and my past into the creation He intended. He can take a seemingly ugly pile of dirt and grass (me), combine it with the bricks and mortar of my life and create something beautiful that will stand firm and stately, declaring His glory. Ok, that part may not be too much of a stretch of the imagination. But I also noticed as this project developed, that so often we think we have finally figured God out-that we know our purpose in life and He must be finished with us. And just like I thought that the sign should have been completed after just the simple center stand was done, sometimes we humans get impatient and feel that God must be finished teaching us a lesson or that our destination has been reached. But in all actuality, God has something far more beautiful in mind for us. And He works through the Holy Spirit, just like that contractor did, to add even more beauty to an already beautiful person. Though He works continuously, there are times when He seems silent and we feel alone. But I'm learning that those moments should be relished because it is in those times that He allows the lessons we are learning to sink in and "dry" like the mortar. Even in my own life, I am amazed at the situations and things that I think are just right until God takes His master hands and perfects them into more beautifully perfect creations. And while this process is sometimes painful and hard to endure, the finished product is far beyond worth the pain and hurt and I am so thankful that God loves me enough to continue to cleanse, prune and improve me. None of us, especially me, is worthy of such goodness and faithfulness but in His vast wisdom and unending love, our God sees the desires of our hearts as we submit ourselves to Him. And He leads us along the path of His perfect will as we allow Him to be the Lord of the dance of our lives.
So be encouraged-just when you think all is said and done.....it's not. Be patient with others-you never know where they are in the process. He's still working on them just as He is you. And be open to the Master's hands-there's something more beautiful in the making and personally, I can't wait to see what it is!
Blessings,
Bethany
Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Don't Get A Clue
After a brief hiatus, I'm back!
For some reason, this blank screen intimidates me. I love to write but I want so badly for what I say to be relevant, to have some meaning to someone. The thought of sharing my innermost thoughts or "baring my soul to the world" (as my mom termed it) is a bit scary. But I know that God is continually working on me and giving me new insights on my life, my relationships, Him and I'm excited to share.
For some reason, this blank screen intimidates me. I love to write but I want so badly for what I say to be relevant, to have some meaning to someone. The thought of sharing my innermost thoughts or "baring my soul to the world" (as my mom termed it) is a bit scary. But I know that God is continually working on me and giving me new insights on my life, my relationships, Him and I'm excited to share.
So I use a lot of media examples in my blog and tonight is no different. ER (one of my faves) is about to go off and there was just a scene in which Dr. Pratt is consoling a former doctor who used to inject the medicines involved with lethal injection. After an intense fight with the hospital chaplain, the doctor is uncontrollably angry because of the past 'murders' he has committed and all he can say is "It doesn't make sense". Pratt responds, "It doesn't have to make sense-that's why it's called faith".
My first thought after Pratt spoke those words was "WOW-what a profound statement!" Yes, it's a statement that I've heard over and over during the course of my life but I never thought of the impact a lack of faith has on an unbeliever in this way. This man is hurting, deeply and he has nowhere to turn. We as Christians, though we may not always believe it 100%, have placed our faith in God and somehow have a peace in knowing that all things are working together for our good according to Romans 8:28. We believe that our lives have purpose and that God created us as part of the grand scheme of His plan. We believe that we are perfectly formed and that our lives matter. We believe that though we are here on earth now, we are simply strangers to this world awaiting a greater day when we will live eternally with Jesus in heaven, a place with no sorrow, no sickness, and no death. For these reasons, we have hope. Hope that God can use us no matter how many times we mess up. Hope that life does get better than what we're experiencing now. Hope that our faith and the actions spurned from it will mean reward for us later.
So now that we know what believers put their faith in, what exactly do unbelievers have to hope for? Many chase after success that will vanish within a few years when they die. Some chase after love that will only leave them broken and empty when it's over. There are some who run towards financial prosperity which can't buy joy and others who are looking for acceptance from a cold, harsh world. And none of these desires will ever be realized until they find the One who placed those voids in them. Only God can raise us up to be leaders in a world where the devil has so much control. Only He can fill that God-shaped void in our hearts that longs to be filled so that we can love others. Only He can provide for us even when all we see is a negative bank account. And only He will love, forgive and accept us just as we are and then mold us into the creation we are intended to be.
Life without God doesn't make sense. We can spend our whole lives running from place to place searching for all the things our flesh desires. And at the end of the day, all we have is what we were able to accomplish in our own strength. But God in His infinite power is able to do so much more. Living that pointless life can be tiring, stressful, and hopeless. And as a friend recently said, "If we (Christians) don't have hope, we're no different from the world". Thankfully, we can have the hope that Christ in us can fulfill all the longings of our heart. The world has no such hope, they are without hope, hopeless. And what a disappointing and depressing way to live-to walk aimlessly, with no purpose. I just don't see myself being very successful at such a life, which is perhaps why God allowed me to be raised in the faith.
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I wrote the above on the date this says it was posted. However, it's January 22 today and I've had some new revelations concerning the above topic. As I was driving to and from my Grandmother's this weekend, I had some serious Jesus time. Spiritually, things have been on the up & up for me lately but there were some corners covered with cobwebs that I really needed to clean out. And since I've been fasting playing any music in my car, those 5 hours were a perfect time to come clean with Jesus-which is exactly what I did. I just laid it all out there-all of my desires, my mistakes, my struggles. I left no stone unturned and when I got home, I felt like a gigantic weight that I'd been carrying for a looong time had been lifted. It's amazing to me how time spent with the Almighty will do that. Anyway, during that time I sang, talked, prayed and just had intimate fellowship with my Creator. And I declared that even though much of my life didn't make sense, I would continue to cling to my faith.
Sunday morning came too early but I felt ready for church and set my sights on truly experiencing God and loving those in my church. The message my pastor delivered about the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life was phenomenal. It completely reiterated everything I had felt the night before and I felt assurance in such confirmation. I spent Sunday afternoon at lunch with my adopted families here and then working out with one of the girls' in our youth group. It was a welcome change from my usual Sunday afternoon tv/nap session and I was excited to see Sunday night's service come. I spent time in prayer before service and really felt God's power during praise & worship. All I could think was, "Wow, God! It doesn't get any better than this!". And then it did. As our pastor delivered another powerful & truly relevant message regarding Killing Our Kids' Kings (protecting our children/youth & teaching them how to protect themselves from the enemy as they grow), I contemplated the state of my life.
Now any of you who have known me for any length of time known that I like, no have, to have things planned out. I can be spontaneous but for the most part, I love to organize and plan my life or anyone's who will let me. So as I pondered my current state of affairs and how I came from the grand and glorious foothills and mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee to relocate myself to this little, country cowboy-land, I realized that not many of the significant changes in my life has made sense. To leave the safe haven of the Southern Baptist church that I was raised in and go to a tiny pentecostal, charismatic Church of God that I knew nothing about... To leave the prominent, ivy league school close to home where I started my studies and go to a Church of God school that I visited once and was 6 hours from home... To leave a great job and a comfortable home in a growing city and move to a tiny, cowboy/redneck town... I don't get it. And that's when God spoke to me-sitting on the front row of the far right side of our sanctuary- If our lives and all the events in them made sense to us, where would God fit? If we understood everything, why should we have faith? Seriously, think about it: If all the experiences in my life made sense to me (being the analyst that I am), I could claim that I worked my life out in my own power. I could say that I accomplished great things and that I did all of these grand things during my time on earth. But since it'd doesn't and we can't (make sense and understand), I have to give all glory to God when the pieces start to fit together. He alone causes all of the unrelated situations that are a part of my journey to be pieced together into the tapestry that is my life. Now forgive me for "stealing" this thought if you've heard it before-I hadn't so I'm claiming it as my own for now. And for now, this is one of the GREATEST revelations that I've had in quite a while. You see, this realization allows me the freedom and peace to let go of trying to make sense out of everything. I can stop attempting to answer the questions I have about my purpose and my life and I can quit using my finite little brain to advance my futile attempts to comprehend the vast God I serve. I don't have to have all the answers! All I have to do is trust Him and know that in the end, it will all come together and not one tiny, seemingly insignificant piece will be missing.
So today, I rest with peace of mind knowing that it's ok for me to not have a clue...God's got it under control!
So now that we know what believers put their faith in, what exactly do unbelievers have to hope for? Many chase after success that will vanish within a few years when they die. Some chase after love that will only leave them broken and empty when it's over. There are some who run towards financial prosperity which can't buy joy and others who are looking for acceptance from a cold, harsh world. And none of these desires will ever be realized until they find the One who placed those voids in them. Only God can raise us up to be leaders in a world where the devil has so much control. Only He can fill that God-shaped void in our hearts that longs to be filled so that we can love others. Only He can provide for us even when all we see is a negative bank account. And only He will love, forgive and accept us just as we are and then mold us into the creation we are intended to be.
Life without God doesn't make sense. We can spend our whole lives running from place to place searching for all the things our flesh desires. And at the end of the day, all we have is what we were able to accomplish in our own strength. But God in His infinite power is able to do so much more. Living that pointless life can be tiring, stressful, and hopeless. And as a friend recently said, "If we (Christians) don't have hope, we're no different from the world". Thankfully, we can have the hope that Christ in us can fulfill all the longings of our heart. The world has no such hope, they are without hope, hopeless. And what a disappointing and depressing way to live-to walk aimlessly, with no purpose. I just don't see myself being very successful at such a life, which is perhaps why God allowed me to be raised in the faith.
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I wrote the above on the date this says it was posted. However, it's January 22 today and I've had some new revelations concerning the above topic. As I was driving to and from my Grandmother's this weekend, I had some serious Jesus time. Spiritually, things have been on the up & up for me lately but there were some corners covered with cobwebs that I really needed to clean out. And since I've been fasting playing any music in my car, those 5 hours were a perfect time to come clean with Jesus-which is exactly what I did. I just laid it all out there-all of my desires, my mistakes, my struggles. I left no stone unturned and when I got home, I felt like a gigantic weight that I'd been carrying for a looong time had been lifted. It's amazing to me how time spent with the Almighty will do that. Anyway, during that time I sang, talked, prayed and just had intimate fellowship with my Creator. And I declared that even though much of my life didn't make sense, I would continue to cling to my faith.
Sunday morning came too early but I felt ready for church and set my sights on truly experiencing God and loving those in my church. The message my pastor delivered about the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life was phenomenal. It completely reiterated everything I had felt the night before and I felt assurance in such confirmation. I spent Sunday afternoon at lunch with my adopted families here and then working out with one of the girls' in our youth group. It was a welcome change from my usual Sunday afternoon tv/nap session and I was excited to see Sunday night's service come. I spent time in prayer before service and really felt God's power during praise & worship. All I could think was, "Wow, God! It doesn't get any better than this!". And then it did. As our pastor delivered another powerful & truly relevant message regarding Killing Our Kids' Kings (protecting our children/youth & teaching them how to protect themselves from the enemy as they grow), I contemplated the state of my life.
Now any of you who have known me for any length of time known that I like, no have, to have things planned out. I can be spontaneous but for the most part, I love to organize and plan my life or anyone's who will let me. So as I pondered my current state of affairs and how I came from the grand and glorious foothills and mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee to relocate myself to this little, country cowboy-land, I realized that not many of the significant changes in my life has made sense. To leave the safe haven of the Southern Baptist church that I was raised in and go to a tiny pentecostal, charismatic Church of God that I knew nothing about... To leave the prominent, ivy league school close to home where I started my studies and go to a Church of God school that I visited once and was 6 hours from home... To leave a great job and a comfortable home in a growing city and move to a tiny, cowboy/redneck town... I don't get it. And that's when God spoke to me-sitting on the front row of the far right side of our sanctuary- If our lives and all the events in them made sense to us, where would God fit? If we understood everything, why should we have faith? Seriously, think about it: If all the experiences in my life made sense to me (being the analyst that I am), I could claim that I worked my life out in my own power. I could say that I accomplished great things and that I did all of these grand things during my time on earth. But since it'd doesn't and we can't (make sense and understand), I have to give all glory to God when the pieces start to fit together. He alone causes all of the unrelated situations that are a part of my journey to be pieced together into the tapestry that is my life. Now forgive me for "stealing" this thought if you've heard it before-I hadn't so I'm claiming it as my own for now. And for now, this is one of the GREATEST revelations that I've had in quite a while. You see, this realization allows me the freedom and peace to let go of trying to make sense out of everything. I can stop attempting to answer the questions I have about my purpose and my life and I can quit using my finite little brain to advance my futile attempts to comprehend the vast God I serve. I don't have to have all the answers! All I have to do is trust Him and know that in the end, it will all come together and not one tiny, seemingly insignificant piece will be missing.
So today, I rest with peace of mind knowing that it's ok for me to not have a clue...God's got it under control!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Blank
I don't really feel like blogging tonight. There's a lot on my mind but nothing that I want to share. I'm full of questions tonight-for other people, for God, for myself. When does life get easier??? Of course, what could I expect? I finally start sacrificing and hearing from God and the devil torments stronger than ever. But I'm determined to learn whatever lessons God has for me now-I want to make the most of this time I have with just me and Him. So I think I'll go do that-spend some time reading His book and talking to Him. Perhaps I'll be more insightful tomorrow...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Song of the Spirit
Move In Me by Michael W. Smith I am only human Struggling to find Confidence in all that I believe You are only holy You are love defined And you have said to ask and I’ll recieve So I have come to pray That you will come and fill The hunger here inside me to grow Stronger in the faith There’s a longing and a need To have you ever closer Come fill me Cause when you move in me It’s like a symphony The timeless melody That soothes my soul Though silent I can tell That you’re alive and well Cause I can feel you move In me What they try to tell me Is that your love is false What they try to tell me Is that your is false And faith is just a way I choose to feel And that there was no meaning To you upon the cross And I should reach for something that is real And when those words are said The questions in me start And I don’t have any answers Until I stop thinking with my head And start listening to my heart And there I find my assurance I tell them Cause when you move in me It’s like a symphony The timeless melody That soothes my soul Though silent I can tell That you’re alive and well Cause I can feel you move In me ----------------------------------------------------------------------------I know I've posted quite a few songs lately but this one really struck me today (as it played on my AOL XM radio of course). This morning was a bit of a downer just because I let my guard down and became distracted by work and my current situation (and being tired didn't help). I got some disturbing news on my lunch break that caused me even more frustration and I was beginning to get angry. So often I feel like I have question after question for God and it would be so much easier if He would just call me or send me a tangible sign with the answers.
But I decided to encourage myself-as we Pentecostals call it-and pray and move on. So I had some Jesus time driving back to work and just poured out my heart to Him (as I'm sure other drivers amused themselves with my abnormal behavior). Immediately I began to feel more positive, like a weight had been lifted from me. When I got back to work, I had some extra time so I sat in my car and took a few minutes to read my Bible. Genesis 12 was part of my reading for today when God speaks to Abram and instructs him to leave his home land and move to the place He would reveal. The story goes something like this:
1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."
Now to the ordinary person, these verses may not mean much. Sure, Abram had faith to just leave his home and trust that God would provide and then he would be really blessed. But to me, these words are my life. Before I came to Texas, I prayed fervently for God to confirm this was what He wanted for me. Why would anyone in their right mind give up a good job, close proximity to family, a great group of friends to move somewhere 700 miles away where they don't know anybody, don't have a job or place to live and are basically all alone?
I'll tell you why-because that's what God told me to do. Was it an easy decision even though I knew God had spoken it to me? No. Has it been a leisurely walk in the park? No. Does it make sense even after 4 1/2 months? No. But that's the awesome thing about God-someday it all will come together and I'll see how every piece of the puzzle of my life was put into place according to His perfect plan. And while that is so much easier to say than to believe, somewhere in my heart and soul, I have peace. Which is where the above song comes in-that line in bold about listening to my heart and not thinking with my head is so me. As I've expressed in recent postings, it takes me a while to connect what my head knows and what my heart feels. It takes me even longer to surrender what I think and what makes sense to what I feel and what is true since I am such a type A. That part of my personality is still a work in progress and probably will be for quite a while. My only prayer is that my life be a blessing to others as Abram's was promised to be. That would be the best reward to come from my life-that others see Jesus in me and seek Him as a result.
For now, I'll let the timeless melody of the symphony of the Holy Spirit be my guide...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Worth It
***Disclaimer: The following post is not intended to be self-righteous in any way. It is written from the standpoint that each of us is God's creation and deserves only the best. Please do not be offended or judgmental when reading.***
Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."
Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.
During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).
College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.
So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.
So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?
Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."
Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.
During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).
College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.
So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.
So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Heart of the Matter
The Eagles sing a song by Don Henley with the above title and the message of that song is forgiveness. Here are the lyrics...
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined, and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
Ah the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Ah pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you baby; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, ok, I know that's not a "Jesus" song as I term them but I believe this song has a very powerful message. For some reason (well, I know what reason), the topic of forgiveness has been slapping me in the face every time I turn around. I know all of us have been hurt by people at some point or another and I have experienced my share of pain. This song really hit home for me as I read the lyrics because of my most recent breakup and the hurt and resentment I feel as a result of how things ended. And there are more factors involving other people that play a part in my pain. The entire situation has just really broken my heart and I see how putting faith in other people can scar you-a lesson you'd think I'd have learned by now.
But on to forgiveness... Our church is going to start a study in February using R.T. Kendall's book "Total Forgiveness". I haven't read any of the book yet, I haven't purchased it, but I've read some critiques of it. Apparently there is a physician included in the book who, when dealing with patients with certain symptoms, questions them about the possibility of harboring bitterness and unforgiveness. If they do, he recommends Kendall's book because of the physical effects of such bitterness. It appears that harboring unforgiveness can cause extreme stress and people who do so are more unhappy and unhealthy than those who take action and forgive. Last night as I was reading "If Men Are Like Buses", the author spoke about forgiving and that "the sooner you are able to bless your enemies, those men (in this case) who hurt you, and release them, the sooner you will be in position to receive a blessing yourself". She speaks about unforgiveness causing us to say negative things-curses, as she terms them-that can come back upon us and keep us in bondage. And as she says, no person I've ever met is worth being in bondage over. Then this morning, pastor spoke about how we allow people and situations to steal from us-not just physical items but also our joy, our optimism, our hope, our faith as we wear our hearts on our sleeves. Though I will always wear my heart on my sleeve, I began to recognize a theme here. I know that it will be only through the grace of God that I will be able to forgive and forget. Forgiveness comes much easier than forgetfulness-I will need major God help on that one as I feel it is important to learn from past mistakes. And as if this information isn't enough to make me want to forgive the world, I did some further reading on the subject this evening. A friend had e-mailed me a website with a video and comments about forgiveness. One quote in particular completely knocked my socks off. It likened being unforgiving to sitting in a jail cell with the doors wide open.
See, forgiveness is not something that can be offered by the offender, it must be an act of the victim. How many times have I harbored unforgiveness in my heart against people, even now, when I was the only one that could solve the issue by offering to forgive them? It saddens me to think of all the time and energy that I've wasted robbing no one but myself from the joy and peace God wanted to provide. Even now in my current circumstance, the only reason I am suffering is because I am allowing another person to control this part of me. With God's help, I can forgive and move on. There is no sense to be made of me giving other people control of my life through my emotions as I have done. Each of us has the power, with the Lord's strength, to forgive those who mistreat and abuse us, releasing ourselves from the bondage we live in and giving God the go-ahead to bless us with life at its fullest. The devil would like nothing more than for us to sulk around in anger and resentment allowing other people to keep us from the abundant life God offers. He wants us to maintain a rival relationship with each other so as to keep us from the Lord's work. We must make a conscious decision to forgive those who have wronged us, ask forgiveness ourselves for feeling such, and then move on to the greater things God has for us. As a popular phrase puts it, I can either "get bitter or get better". And I'm choosing to get better!
So I'm taking a stand. I'm saying this: God, I have hurt in my heart. Help me to recognize the root of this hurt and to offer complete forgiveness to those who I feel caused it. I extend to those people total forgiveness and pray Your blessings for all my enemies. Show me the people in my life that I need to ask forgiveness from as well. Allow me to experience the peace that only You can bring so that I may be a better example of Your love to those around me. Thank you for your forgiveness to me that spans as far as the east is from the west. I plead the blood over my mistakes and submit to you my desire to release the hurt and pain that I have been harboring for far too long. You alone are my source and strength and in You alone can I put all my faith!
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck, and the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined, and people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
Ah the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Ah pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you baby; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak and the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, ok, I know that's not a "Jesus" song as I term them but I believe this song has a very powerful message. For some reason (well, I know what reason), the topic of forgiveness has been slapping me in the face every time I turn around. I know all of us have been hurt by people at some point or another and I have experienced my share of pain. This song really hit home for me as I read the lyrics because of my most recent breakup and the hurt and resentment I feel as a result of how things ended. And there are more factors involving other people that play a part in my pain. The entire situation has just really broken my heart and I see how putting faith in other people can scar you-a lesson you'd think I'd have learned by now.
But on to forgiveness... Our church is going to start a study in February using R.T. Kendall's book "Total Forgiveness". I haven't read any of the book yet, I haven't purchased it, but I've read some critiques of it. Apparently there is a physician included in the book who, when dealing with patients with certain symptoms, questions them about the possibility of harboring bitterness and unforgiveness. If they do, he recommends Kendall's book because of the physical effects of such bitterness. It appears that harboring unforgiveness can cause extreme stress and people who do so are more unhappy and unhealthy than those who take action and forgive. Last night as I was reading "If Men Are Like Buses", the author spoke about forgiving and that "the sooner you are able to bless your enemies, those men (in this case) who hurt you, and release them, the sooner you will be in position to receive a blessing yourself". She speaks about unforgiveness causing us to say negative things-curses, as she terms them-that can come back upon us and keep us in bondage. And as she says, no person I've ever met is worth being in bondage over. Then this morning, pastor spoke about how we allow people and situations to steal from us-not just physical items but also our joy, our optimism, our hope, our faith as we wear our hearts on our sleeves. Though I will always wear my heart on my sleeve, I began to recognize a theme here. I know that it will be only through the grace of God that I will be able to forgive and forget. Forgiveness comes much easier than forgetfulness-I will need major God help on that one as I feel it is important to learn from past mistakes. And as if this information isn't enough to make me want to forgive the world, I did some further reading on the subject this evening. A friend had e-mailed me a website with a video and comments about forgiveness. One quote in particular completely knocked my socks off. It likened being unforgiving to sitting in a jail cell with the doors wide open.
See, forgiveness is not something that can be offered by the offender, it must be an act of the victim. How many times have I harbored unforgiveness in my heart against people, even now, when I was the only one that could solve the issue by offering to forgive them? It saddens me to think of all the time and energy that I've wasted robbing no one but myself from the joy and peace God wanted to provide. Even now in my current circumstance, the only reason I am suffering is because I am allowing another person to control this part of me. With God's help, I can forgive and move on. There is no sense to be made of me giving other people control of my life through my emotions as I have done. Each of us has the power, with the Lord's strength, to forgive those who mistreat and abuse us, releasing ourselves from the bondage we live in and giving God the go-ahead to bless us with life at its fullest. The devil would like nothing more than for us to sulk around in anger and resentment allowing other people to keep us from the abundant life God offers. He wants us to maintain a rival relationship with each other so as to keep us from the Lord's work. We must make a conscious decision to forgive those who have wronged us, ask forgiveness ourselves for feeling such, and then move on to the greater things God has for us. As a popular phrase puts it, I can either "get bitter or get better". And I'm choosing to get better!
So I'm taking a stand. I'm saying this: God, I have hurt in my heart. Help me to recognize the root of this hurt and to offer complete forgiveness to those who I feel caused it. I extend to those people total forgiveness and pray Your blessings for all my enemies. Show me the people in my life that I need to ask forgiveness from as well. Allow me to experience the peace that only You can bring so that I may be a better example of Your love to those around me. Thank you for your forgiveness to me that spans as far as the east is from the west. I plead the blood over my mistakes and submit to you my desire to release the hurt and pain that I have been harboring for far too long. You alone are my source and strength and in You alone can I put all my faith!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
The Good Ol' Days
All of you know from the info in my profile that I'm originially from TN/NC. I was actually born and raised in North Carolina and when I was 18, moved to TN to attend college. My dad is a Southern Baptist associate/music pastor and we were at the same church from the time I was born until I was 17. We lived in the small town of Eden that has a current population of about 25,000. Eden has long been a textile town known for its mills even within the past 50 years. It has always been relatively small and is actually a combination of three smaller towns, formerly Leaksville, Spray & Draper. The people of Eden are a lot like most any other small, Southern town where everyone knows everyone else and most of the people have been there their entire lives. There isn't much variance from the norm and people are content with their simple way of life. During my childhood, I was very much in love with this small town and loved my friends and our closeness. We only had a few to join us and then move away so I was able to progress through school with generally the same group of friends from elementary to high school.
My circle of friends in high school could be labeled as the 'nerds'. It wasn't that we were always studying or were members of the chess club, we were just the kids that tested as AG (Academically Gifted) at young ages. As a result of this, there was a group of about 20 of us or so that were in all the same classes from about 5th to 12th grade. Since we were in all the same classes, socializing together came naturally. We were involved in a lot of the same extracurricular activities and spent lots of time together on weekends. For the most part, we were good kids. There were the occasional rebels but we generally weren't the ones raising chaos all the time with parties, drinking and the like. While we may not have been those kids, we knew who they were. And they did their share of chaos-raising. Though there were several different groups of friends, we all got along for the most part. There were never any real problems or conflicts that arose between groups and we co-existed quite well.
In the past few weeks, since I've finally gotten internet service at my house, I've been 'afforded' the time of being able to look through some of my high school classmates' online profiles through various networking websites. It is interesting to me to see how we all have changed and what we have accomplished in the past 6 1/2 years since high school. Many of us have completed college, gone on to grad school, gotten married, had children, moved away from that small hometown. But I am truly amazed at the number of my classmates who not only are still hanging around the area (which, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing) but are still doing the same things they did in high school. Though I am not the type, I have no problem with the idea of a person spending their entire life in or around one town. What I do have a problem with is people spending their entire lives in repetition-spending weekends drinking and clubbing with the same people. While there are some new faces thrown in the mix, in general, I see the same faces in all the pictures. Although we're only 6 1/2 years removed from high school and this may not be a lifetime cycle, I don't see a strong possibility of change. It saddens me to think that the people that I had the opportunity to influence are in such depressed states of "living" and that I did nothing to share God's love with them while I had the chance. (I know, I know-hindsight is always 20/20.) My heart is broken for the people that I know personally yet never took the time to share my genuine concern for the eternal destination of their souls. Many of them grew up knowing about God and the salvation offered through Jesus but chose other lifestyles rather than choosing the Lord.
I realize that as a high schooler I did not have the perspective on life that I have since I moved away from that 'security blanket' town. But my soul is burdened because I did not take advantage of the opportunities I was given during those 4 years. Everyone knew I was a Christian (since my dad was a music pastor) and I never committed any horrific wrongdoings but I also never stepped up for my faith. Sure, there was the occasional "I don't watch that kind of movie" or "I don't use language like that" but I was never forthright in my reasonings for my stance on issues. And so now, I am amazed at the number of people who are still in and around that small town entertaining themselves in the same ways they have for so long. Do people have dreams? Do my peers have aspirations for their lives? Maybe we are still too young to have moved away and moved on. But I wonder, do these former classmates know there is more to life than the way they live?
In my life, I've never had to consider such options. I have always been a dreamer-planning out my future in vastly different ways at different times. In many ways, I have always felt destined for greatness-from my calling into missions when I was 11 or 12 to my lifetime passion for music to my recently developed love for ministry to youth and women. All I know is that God has great things to accomplish through me and He can't do that if I'm comfortable and content. I do need to be content with Him but not with my situation or current life. I've been taught by my previously mentioned amazing parents and other key influences in my life, that I should continuously be striving for more and better things; I should always be pursuing a better me through Christ. I should constantly be stepping out of my comfort zone to follow where God leads me. And I want to share the passion and power of God in my life with those around me. Many Christians become content and comfortable, losing sight of the sacrificial Christian lifestyle. Sacrifice doesn't always mean letting go of things you love; it also means taking on things you don't love. And for me, I want to know Christ through sacrifice. I want to be His mouthpiece and vessel wherever I go. And while I wish I had made this realization years ago, I am glad I'm making it now so I can be active for Him from this moment on.
In closing, to those of you who are part of my past, I apologize for not sharing my faith with you and I pray that other Godly influences are sent into your lives; to those of you in my present, I pray God's light shines through me on you; to those of you in my future, get ready-I'm a changed woman!
My circle of friends in high school could be labeled as the 'nerds'. It wasn't that we were always studying or were members of the chess club, we were just the kids that tested as AG (Academically Gifted) at young ages. As a result of this, there was a group of about 20 of us or so that were in all the same classes from about 5th to 12th grade. Since we were in all the same classes, socializing together came naturally. We were involved in a lot of the same extracurricular activities and spent lots of time together on weekends. For the most part, we were good kids. There were the occasional rebels but we generally weren't the ones raising chaos all the time with parties, drinking and the like. While we may not have been those kids, we knew who they were. And they did their share of chaos-raising. Though there were several different groups of friends, we all got along for the most part. There were never any real problems or conflicts that arose between groups and we co-existed quite well.
In the past few weeks, since I've finally gotten internet service at my house, I've been 'afforded' the time of being able to look through some of my high school classmates' online profiles through various networking websites. It is interesting to me to see how we all have changed and what we have accomplished in the past 6 1/2 years since high school. Many of us have completed college, gone on to grad school, gotten married, had children, moved away from that small hometown. But I am truly amazed at the number of my classmates who not only are still hanging around the area (which, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing) but are still doing the same things they did in high school. Though I am not the type, I have no problem with the idea of a person spending their entire life in or around one town. What I do have a problem with is people spending their entire lives in repetition-spending weekends drinking and clubbing with the same people. While there are some new faces thrown in the mix, in general, I see the same faces in all the pictures. Although we're only 6 1/2 years removed from high school and this may not be a lifetime cycle, I don't see a strong possibility of change. It saddens me to think that the people that I had the opportunity to influence are in such depressed states of "living" and that I did nothing to share God's love with them while I had the chance. (I know, I know-hindsight is always 20/20.) My heart is broken for the people that I know personally yet never took the time to share my genuine concern for the eternal destination of their souls. Many of them grew up knowing about God and the salvation offered through Jesus but chose other lifestyles rather than choosing the Lord.
I realize that as a high schooler I did not have the perspective on life that I have since I moved away from that 'security blanket' town. But my soul is burdened because I did not take advantage of the opportunities I was given during those 4 years. Everyone knew I was a Christian (since my dad was a music pastor) and I never committed any horrific wrongdoings but I also never stepped up for my faith. Sure, there was the occasional "I don't watch that kind of movie" or "I don't use language like that" but I was never forthright in my reasonings for my stance on issues. And so now, I am amazed at the number of people who are still in and around that small town entertaining themselves in the same ways they have for so long. Do people have dreams? Do my peers have aspirations for their lives? Maybe we are still too young to have moved away and moved on. But I wonder, do these former classmates know there is more to life than the way they live?
In my life, I've never had to consider such options. I have always been a dreamer-planning out my future in vastly different ways at different times. In many ways, I have always felt destined for greatness-from my calling into missions when I was 11 or 12 to my lifetime passion for music to my recently developed love for ministry to youth and women. All I know is that God has great things to accomplish through me and He can't do that if I'm comfortable and content. I do need to be content with Him but not with my situation or current life. I've been taught by my previously mentioned amazing parents and other key influences in my life, that I should continuously be striving for more and better things; I should always be pursuing a better me through Christ. I should constantly be stepping out of my comfort zone to follow where God leads me. And I want to share the passion and power of God in my life with those around me. Many Christians become content and comfortable, losing sight of the sacrificial Christian lifestyle. Sacrifice doesn't always mean letting go of things you love; it also means taking on things you don't love. And for me, I want to know Christ through sacrifice. I want to be His mouthpiece and vessel wherever I go. And while I wish I had made this realization years ago, I am glad I'm making it now so I can be active for Him from this moment on.
In closing, to those of you who are part of my past, I apologize for not sharing my faith with you and I pray that other Godly influences are sent into your lives; to those of you in my present, I pray God's light shines through me on you; to those of you in my future, get ready-I'm a changed woman!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Theme Song of the Moment
Just wanted to share the lyrics to my current theme song...every time it plays I have total "me & God time". You can hear it on my MySpace page www.myspace.com/bbap1. So powerful! More later...
In Better Hands by Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you don't love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh, I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now
In Better Hands by Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you don't love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh, I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
End Of The Day
Just a few thoughts before I go to bed (another warning about clarity of thought)...
In the past few weeks I have read some of the worst headlines in the news. From men who cook and then eat their girlfriends to fathers who drop their 4 children off a bridge to get revenge on his wife to celebrities who suffer breakdowns or addictions to women that purposefully run away from their lives...my heart is broken for these people. While I am amazed by the capabilities of a mind controlled by the devil, I am even more concerned about the souls of this world. Why am I not doing a better job of reaching out to those who need hope? I cannot even fathom committing some of the acts that these people do and can't help but wonder what goes through their minds before they do such things. Now I know that the devil torments me about my weaknesses and failures, often, but I also know that I am more than a conqueror and am a filthy sinner simply saved by wondrous grace. Have the people that act in such wild manners heard of God's redemption and love? Do they know that they have the same opportunity I do to serve a God who will forgive and forget and love them unconditionally? I sincerely pray that God allows me to see the doors that open for me to share the story of His saving grace to those around me who are hurting and live without hope. I have never been able to comprehend how a person can live a single day without the knowledge of Jesus Christ and the power of Him in their lives. So Lord, keep me sensitive to your Spirit that I many be obedient at all times and be a light that shines for You as I share Your love, peace, and joy.
Not only am I made aware of the depressing state our world is in through these headlines but I am also reminded how blessed I am. I have a family who loves me and loves each other. I have friends who care about me and make me feel good about myself while allowing me to just be myself. I have a job, though I may not like it, that pays well and provides me with benefits and is safe and not manual labor. I have a home overflowing with items that belong to me that I share with no one and that I can use any time I so desire. I have a refrigerator and cabinets full of food (some that I've had for too long) that are available whenever I am the least bit hungry and even when I'm not. I have clean water to drink, to bathe in, and to cook with. I have a car, no matter how old or what condition, that runs and is fully paid for. I have a closet (2) and a dresser full of clothes and shoes many of which I choose not to wear. I have a computer to use whenever and wherever I desire. I have a church that loves God and is seeking deep places with Him. I have a phone (that I don't pay for) that I can use to call anyone, anytime, anywhere in the world. I have a banking account (no matter how low) that is always in the positive even though I am paying off debts. I have so much stuff that I take out trash every week but always seem to find at least one item a week (a day sometimes) that I have to purchase.
As you can tell, I need nothing but usually find plenty to want. God is teaching me contentment in all situations and I am beyond thankful for all He has blessed me with. God is good and faithful to those who serve Him and that's all I want to do! I pray that today you will see the blessings God has given you and learn to be happy with Him!
In the past few weeks I have read some of the worst headlines in the news. From men who cook and then eat their girlfriends to fathers who drop their 4 children off a bridge to get revenge on his wife to celebrities who suffer breakdowns or addictions to women that purposefully run away from their lives...my heart is broken for these people. While I am amazed by the capabilities of a mind controlled by the devil, I am even more concerned about the souls of this world. Why am I not doing a better job of reaching out to those who need hope? I cannot even fathom committing some of the acts that these people do and can't help but wonder what goes through their minds before they do such things. Now I know that the devil torments me about my weaknesses and failures, often, but I also know that I am more than a conqueror and am a filthy sinner simply saved by wondrous grace. Have the people that act in such wild manners heard of God's redemption and love? Do they know that they have the same opportunity I do to serve a God who will forgive and forget and love them unconditionally? I sincerely pray that God allows me to see the doors that open for me to share the story of His saving grace to those around me who are hurting and live without hope. I have never been able to comprehend how a person can live a single day without the knowledge of Jesus Christ and the power of Him in their lives. So Lord, keep me sensitive to your Spirit that I many be obedient at all times and be a light that shines for You as I share Your love, peace, and joy.
Not only am I made aware of the depressing state our world is in through these headlines but I am also reminded how blessed I am. I have a family who loves me and loves each other. I have friends who care about me and make me feel good about myself while allowing me to just be myself. I have a job, though I may not like it, that pays well and provides me with benefits and is safe and not manual labor. I have a home overflowing with items that belong to me that I share with no one and that I can use any time I so desire. I have a refrigerator and cabinets full of food (some that I've had for too long) that are available whenever I am the least bit hungry and even when I'm not. I have clean water to drink, to bathe in, and to cook with. I have a car, no matter how old or what condition, that runs and is fully paid for. I have a closet (2) and a dresser full of clothes and shoes many of which I choose not to wear. I have a computer to use whenever and wherever I desire. I have a church that loves God and is seeking deep places with Him. I have a phone (that I don't pay for) that I can use to call anyone, anytime, anywhere in the world. I have a banking account (no matter how low) that is always in the positive even though I am paying off debts. I have so much stuff that I take out trash every week but always seem to find at least one item a week (a day sometimes) that I have to purchase.
As you can tell, I need nothing but usually find plenty to want. God is teaching me contentment in all situations and I am beyond thankful for all He has blessed me with. God is good and faithful to those who serve Him and that's all I want to do! I pray that today you will see the blessings God has given you and learn to be happy with Him!
A Tribute
Hold On To Jesus - Originally recorded by Erin O'Donnell
You're a little piece of heaven.
You're a golden ray of light
and I wish I could protect you
from the worries of this life.
But if there's one thing I could tell you,
it's no matter what you do,
hold on to Jesus, He's holding onto you.
The world will try to tell you
that might is more than right,
and beauty's on the outside,
and being good's a losing fight.
But remember what I've told you
'cause the world will make you choose-
hold on to Jesus, He's holding onto you.
Hold on to Jesus and cling to His love.
Rest deep in his mercy whenever things get rough.
And don't recite of his goodness
and don't ever doubt this truth,
that when you hold onto Jesus He's holdin onto you.
Hear me dear Jesus,
rock this little one to sleep.
Keep her close when she's scared
and give her grace when she is weak.
I know she'll stumble but i know she'll make it through
if you hold on to her just like you said you'd do.
Hold her Jesus so she'll hold on tight to you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
This song just played on my AOL Radio at work and I wanted to include the lyrics because of what they mean to me. When I left home in August 2001 to start college at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, NC (about an hour from my home at the time), I remember my mom and I riding in my loaded-down little '97 Saturn (which I still drive) with my dad following behind us in a loaded-down mini-van and her breaking out this cd. She played this song and bawled while I got teary-eyed but refused to break down and just cry.
Looking back on this memory, it was a life-changing event for me. Never again would I return "home" as it was those first 18 years. Never again would I see my mother in the same light I did as a child. Never again would life be as simple as it was. But as that memory flooded back to me while the song played here in my office, I realize that my mother is perhaps the best woman on the face of the earth. She knew that when it all came down to it, her relationship with me could only go so far but the relationship I have with Jesus would carry me so much further. Don't get me wrong, my mother has ALWAYS been there for me. Through broken relationships, financial crises, physical ailments, my mom has been the only constant in my life. My dad has been there too of course and his support means more than he'll ever know but there's an emotional bond that mothers and daughters share as women that is unique.
To me, my mother stands as a strong testimony to the faithfulness of God. In her life, she hasn't always been dealt the best hand and even now she struggles with what she is called to do for the Lord but she doesn't quit. She keeps persevering the best she can, sacrificing whatever it takes to do what she feels is right at the moment. For the past 4 years at least, she has been working 12-18 hours 5 days a week just to support my younger brother and I as we attended college. She and my father continue to pay my car insurance, cell phone bill and student loan payments every month and even send extra money (or at least extend the offer) whenever we need it. While my older brother was not afforded these "luxuries", I'm sure they would have done the same if he needed them to. Some might call me "spoiled" and I would agree to an extent but my parents have always been supportive and encouraging even if they were puzzled by our actions. I've never heard either of my parents tell me I can't do something I feel called to do. I've never questioned their love and I've always felt their prayers. When no one else would stand in the gap for me, I knew both of them already were. They are the epitome of God's love to me and I know that my relationship with them is just an extension of that same relationship with Him.
The relationship between me and my parents hasn't always been this way. I possess my mother's opinionated, stubborn streak and my father's perfectionism. These qualities caused great strife in my household during those early teen years. As every teenager does, I went through a "rebellious" stage from 14-16 or so dating boys they didn't like and hanging out with people that weren't the best influences. But during that time I never made life-altering bad decisions because of the principles and morals my parents had taught me. Even when I wanted to do something extremely rebellious, I knew that in my heart of hearts, I couldn't. I was more responsible than that and would have to reap the consequences of whatever choices I made. And I did-both good and bad consequences.
But as I grew and began to see that my parents really did know what they were talking about and truly did have my best interests in mind, I developed a greater respect for them. I began to see them in a different light and saw how the life experiences they had endured had made them into responsible people who love and serve the Lord in the best way they know how. And now they are my best friends. They hear all about the crazy events of my life, the deep desires and passions I have, the things God is doing in my life. We laugh together, cry together, and vent together. They are my heritage, my examples of Jesus' unconditional love. And I can't think of better people to turn into as I grow older. So to you, Mom & Dad, thank you will never be enough.
You're a little piece of heaven.
You're a golden ray of light
and I wish I could protect you
from the worries of this life.
But if there's one thing I could tell you,
it's no matter what you do,
hold on to Jesus, He's holding onto you.
The world will try to tell you
that might is more than right,
and beauty's on the outside,
and being good's a losing fight.
But remember what I've told you
'cause the world will make you choose-
hold on to Jesus, He's holding onto you.
Hold on to Jesus and cling to His love.
Rest deep in his mercy whenever things get rough.
And don't recite of his goodness
and don't ever doubt this truth,
that when you hold onto Jesus He's holdin onto you.
Hear me dear Jesus,
rock this little one to sleep.
Keep her close when she's scared
and give her grace when she is weak.
I know she'll stumble but i know she'll make it through
if you hold on to her just like you said you'd do.
Hold her Jesus so she'll hold on tight to you.
------------------------------------------------------------------
This song just played on my AOL Radio at work and I wanted to include the lyrics because of what they mean to me. When I left home in August 2001 to start college at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, NC (about an hour from my home at the time), I remember my mom and I riding in my loaded-down little '97 Saturn (which I still drive) with my dad following behind us in a loaded-down mini-van and her breaking out this cd. She played this song and bawled while I got teary-eyed but refused to break down and just cry.
Looking back on this memory, it was a life-changing event for me. Never again would I return "home" as it was those first 18 years. Never again would I see my mother in the same light I did as a child. Never again would life be as simple as it was. But as that memory flooded back to me while the song played here in my office, I realize that my mother is perhaps the best woman on the face of the earth. She knew that when it all came down to it, her relationship with me could only go so far but the relationship I have with Jesus would carry me so much further. Don't get me wrong, my mother has ALWAYS been there for me. Through broken relationships, financial crises, physical ailments, my mom has been the only constant in my life. My dad has been there too of course and his support means more than he'll ever know but there's an emotional bond that mothers and daughters share as women that is unique.
To me, my mother stands as a strong testimony to the faithfulness of God. In her life, she hasn't always been dealt the best hand and even now she struggles with what she is called to do for the Lord but she doesn't quit. She keeps persevering the best she can, sacrificing whatever it takes to do what she feels is right at the moment. For the past 4 years at least, she has been working 12-18 hours 5 days a week just to support my younger brother and I as we attended college. She and my father continue to pay my car insurance, cell phone bill and student loan payments every month and even send extra money (or at least extend the offer) whenever we need it. While my older brother was not afforded these "luxuries", I'm sure they would have done the same if he needed them to. Some might call me "spoiled" and I would agree to an extent but my parents have always been supportive and encouraging even if they were puzzled by our actions. I've never heard either of my parents tell me I can't do something I feel called to do. I've never questioned their love and I've always felt their prayers. When no one else would stand in the gap for me, I knew both of them already were. They are the epitome of God's love to me and I know that my relationship with them is just an extension of that same relationship with Him.
The relationship between me and my parents hasn't always been this way. I possess my mother's opinionated, stubborn streak and my father's perfectionism. These qualities caused great strife in my household during those early teen years. As every teenager does, I went through a "rebellious" stage from 14-16 or so dating boys they didn't like and hanging out with people that weren't the best influences. But during that time I never made life-altering bad decisions because of the principles and morals my parents had taught me. Even when I wanted to do something extremely rebellious, I knew that in my heart of hearts, I couldn't. I was more responsible than that and would have to reap the consequences of whatever choices I made. And I did-both good and bad consequences.
But as I grew and began to see that my parents really did know what they were talking about and truly did have my best interests in mind, I developed a greater respect for them. I began to see them in a different light and saw how the life experiences they had endured had made them into responsible people who love and serve the Lord in the best way they know how. And now they are my best friends. They hear all about the crazy events of my life, the deep desires and passions I have, the things God is doing in my life. We laugh together, cry together, and vent together. They are my heritage, my examples of Jesus' unconditional love. And I can't think of better people to turn into as I grow older. So to you, Mom & Dad, thank you will never be enough.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Finishing The Day
Just back for a few before I get to bed-EARLY! So hopefully I can get up-EARLY!
I didn't get as much done tonight as I planned but that's ok because I had a semi-surprise visit from Dustie & Abby. :) I love that family so much (and I'm not just saying that because she reads this every day). They are very precious to me and I am very blessed that they allow me to be part of their lives. I did de-decorate my house from Christmas-just missed 2 things this year. And I rearranged furniture some-not sure if I like it. I hate the setup of this apartment but am doing the best I can. I wish I could get everything set like I want to but I never did in Cleveland and was there for almost a year and a half so I should give myself more time.
Ok, random subject of the night... There's a new show on ABC tonight called "Cashmere Mafia" that I just watched because it was on. It's a bit like "Sex & the City" but more modern I suppose and the women aren't all single. They are all very affluent women who have high profile jobs and 3 of 4 are significantly attached to men by either marriage or a serious relationship (the 4th is dealing with homosexual tendencies). While I don't recommend this program as it has serious moral issues, there was a situation presented which is very perplexing. One of the women on the show is married and she knows that her husband is cheating on her. When confronted by her friends, she excuses staying with him by saying that she loves planning holidays for someone, she loves attending events with someone, etc., etc.
My question is this: Why do women feel they have to have a man to be happy or complete? Even Christian women. When did God stop being enough?
Now I don't profess being perfect but I've also known for a long time (even if my actions didn't portray it) that God is the only One who can truly complete me. And I'm learning that lesson even moreso now. He is teaching me day after day that I can be happy, truly joyful even when I am all alone. Do I necessarily like learning this? Not hardly. But I recognize the value of this lesson and am willing to follow wherever God leads me. The feminist part of me just wants women to realize the true worth that we possess on our own, all by ourselves. From my favorite author of the moment and previously mentioned Michelle Hammond, God has blessed us doubly-double the money because we have noone to share it with, double the time because we don't answer to anyone but Him, etc. I truly believe I am going through this "single and loving it" phase at a divine time and I know God is teaching me some lessons that I would not have learned otherwise. And I am beyond speechless and oh so grateful. He knows exactly what we need and how much to give us which is why I don't understand why any woman would stay with a man who very blatantly does not have her best interests in mind when she could have the Creator of the Universe providing for every need she has. While I have no room to talk because I feel desperate & alone often, this deep desire to have an imperfect tangible love instead of the perfect love relationship puzzles me.
Ok, I said early, so early it is. My mind is getting jumbled anyway but I'll be sure to write more on this subject. Happy thoughts for a happy hump day everyone!
I didn't get as much done tonight as I planned but that's ok because I had a semi-surprise visit from Dustie & Abby. :) I love that family so much (and I'm not just saying that because she reads this every day). They are very precious to me and I am very blessed that they allow me to be part of their lives. I did de-decorate my house from Christmas-just missed 2 things this year. And I rearranged furniture some-not sure if I like it. I hate the setup of this apartment but am doing the best I can. I wish I could get everything set like I want to but I never did in Cleveland and was there for almost a year and a half so I should give myself more time.
Ok, random subject of the night... There's a new show on ABC tonight called "Cashmere Mafia" that I just watched because it was on. It's a bit like "Sex & the City" but more modern I suppose and the women aren't all single. They are all very affluent women who have high profile jobs and 3 of 4 are significantly attached to men by either marriage or a serious relationship (the 4th is dealing with homosexual tendencies). While I don't recommend this program as it has serious moral issues, there was a situation presented which is very perplexing. One of the women on the show is married and she knows that her husband is cheating on her. When confronted by her friends, she excuses staying with him by saying that she loves planning holidays for someone, she loves attending events with someone, etc., etc.
My question is this: Why do women feel they have to have a man to be happy or complete? Even Christian women. When did God stop being enough?
Now I don't profess being perfect but I've also known for a long time (even if my actions didn't portray it) that God is the only One who can truly complete me. And I'm learning that lesson even moreso now. He is teaching me day after day that I can be happy, truly joyful even when I am all alone. Do I necessarily like learning this? Not hardly. But I recognize the value of this lesson and am willing to follow wherever God leads me. The feminist part of me just wants women to realize the true worth that we possess on our own, all by ourselves. From my favorite author of the moment and previously mentioned Michelle Hammond, God has blessed us doubly-double the money because we have noone to share it with, double the time because we don't answer to anyone but Him, etc. I truly believe I am going through this "single and loving it" phase at a divine time and I know God is teaching me some lessons that I would not have learned otherwise. And I am beyond speechless and oh so grateful. He knows exactly what we need and how much to give us which is why I don't understand why any woman would stay with a man who very blatantly does not have her best interests in mind when she could have the Creator of the Universe providing for every need she has. While I have no room to talk because I feel desperate & alone often, this deep desire to have an imperfect tangible love instead of the perfect love relationship puzzles me.
Ok, I said early, so early it is. My mind is getting jumbled anyway but I'll be sure to write more on this subject. Happy thoughts for a happy hump day everyone!
A Week Already Gone
An entire week of 2008 has already passed and to me it feels like it's been a month. Our New Year's Eve party is a distant memory to me and I find myself already regretting not making changes this year. Again I'm reminded that I have a new chance today to change things so I'm determined-I WILL.
Sleep has not come easy for me as of late. I have waaay too much energy waaay too late. It's been after midnight the past 4 nights before I've gone to bed. That has GOT to change. I don't feel too bad during the day but getting up is impossible for me. I'm making a resolution to start getting up earlier so that I may perhaps get myself completely awake when I get to work. And perhaps I'll even be on time instead of rolling in at 8:06 or 8:10. (Sidenote: The lyrics to the song that was just playing on my AOL XM radio were "If you fall down again, get back up, get back up".) I also want to write down everything I eat while we're doing this fast so that I can see what changes me and how it does. We'll have to see how these new action plans go. I'll try to speak positively to overcome my fear of failure.
In other news, I have made a bit of a habit of locking my keys in my car since I moved to Texas. I did it only once in the period of 6 years that I was in college/Cleveland and in the 4 months I've been here, I've successfully done so 3 times. This is not good. Luckily I have a spare but I need to actually give it to someone instead of leaving it locked inside my house. This situation re-emphasizes to me that I am single & alone in this town. A sad thought at first but I am blessed beyond measure to have the friends that I do. They take care of me and look after me and I'm beginning to see the advantages of having girlfriends as opposed to just guys. I'm so thankful for all of the amazing people in my life-family and friends-and wish I told them so more often. Maybe that should be another resolution...
Well, I'm off to lunch-heading home today. But I'm sure I'll post more later-especially since I missed yesterday and work is getting a bit less stressful. Happy reading for now!
Sleep has not come easy for me as of late. I have waaay too much energy waaay too late. It's been after midnight the past 4 nights before I've gone to bed. That has GOT to change. I don't feel too bad during the day but getting up is impossible for me. I'm making a resolution to start getting up earlier so that I may perhaps get myself completely awake when I get to work. And perhaps I'll even be on time instead of rolling in at 8:06 or 8:10. (Sidenote: The lyrics to the song that was just playing on my AOL XM radio were "If you fall down again, get back up, get back up".) I also want to write down everything I eat while we're doing this fast so that I can see what changes me and how it does. We'll have to see how these new action plans go. I'll try to speak positively to overcome my fear of failure.
In other news, I have made a bit of a habit of locking my keys in my car since I moved to Texas. I did it only once in the period of 6 years that I was in college/Cleveland and in the 4 months I've been here, I've successfully done so 3 times. This is not good. Luckily I have a spare but I need to actually give it to someone instead of leaving it locked inside my house. This situation re-emphasizes to me that I am single & alone in this town. A sad thought at first but I am blessed beyond measure to have the friends that I do. They take care of me and look after me and I'm beginning to see the advantages of having girlfriends as opposed to just guys. I'm so thankful for all of the amazing people in my life-family and friends-and wish I told them so more often. Maybe that should be another resolution...
Well, I'm off to lunch-heading home today. But I'm sure I'll post more later-especially since I missed yesterday and work is getting a bit less stressful. Happy reading for now!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Lover Of My Soul
2 posts in one day-this is becoming addicting... But it's so therapeutic. I love it!
There's been a lot on my mind today with church and the usual contemplating of my faith. We started a corporate 21 day fast today-the whole church. And God was sooo good in our services (like I should doubt Him)! I had really been struggling with what to fast and what I am fasting for but God has really dealt with me in the past 24 hours.
I've been severely hurt by a relationship in the very recent past (less than a month ago) and I have really been trying to stay positive and draw closer to God but it has been such an obstacle. See, I thought I was in God's will in that relationship-the guy I was dating felt called to ministry, we had a LOT in common, we had similar passions and it just felt "right". But we are at different places in life. He's 4 years younger than me but I thought his maturity level was higher and that he felt ready to make a serious commitment. I was wrong but didn't discover such until I had completely changed my life for him. I left a good job, close proximity to my friends and family, and a comfortable life to move where he was-Texas. And less than 5 months into our relationship, we find ourselves at this crossroad and about a month ago we (he) ended things. I was trying to hold on in hopes he would mature and be the man I needed him to be-the man he told me he was-but he gave in to the pressure. There were many signs in our time together that things just weren't quite "right" but I really felt like I had heard from God so I pursued it. And now, I'm on my own doing my best to deal with the end of a relationship I thought was going to last forever. And the devil torments me every day.
I say all that to say that God has been working miracles in my life and especially my heart. About a year ago, I was in TN and there was a book sale at the local Christian bookstore. By the time I got done perusing the aisles, I had a basketful of books (I'm obssessed with books), of which I chose 10 to purchase. I read a few at the time but others haven't made it to my priority list. A bedtime ritual for me is reading for even just a few minutes and the other night I needed new material. So I found one of the books I bought at that sale and dug in. There was no particular reason I chose this book even in thinking about my failed relationship. But from the minute I began reading, I have hardly been able to put it down. The book is titled "If Men Are Like Buses, Then How Do I Catch One?" and is authored by Michelle McKinney Hammond. God divinely appointed me to read this book at this time because He knew exactly what I needed. The title may suggest that this book is about how to find a mate but it is so much more. It deals with how women should approach relationships with men and more importantly, the role and importance of our relationship with God. And the writing style is as ifHammond
In reading this book, I have found God dealing with me about the church fast. I truly feel that one reason God allowed my aforementioned relationship to end when it did is because He knew that I needed to get serious with Him and were I still dating, I wouldn't take the time to do so. As I mentioned in an earlier post-I say I want more of God but my actions don't portray that. But it's time that they do. I am so ready for God to move in me and to find total completeness in Him that I will sacrifice whatever I have to to get to Him. I am fully convinced that I did not just pick up and move my life to pursue a relationship that was doomed to fail. God has called me to more than that, to something deeper.
I have always felt called to ministry in my life. When I was younger I felt missions was my passion and it still is. There is a thrill in my heart when I serve others and have the opportunity to lead them to Jesus. But I feel this calling is in a different area than I originally thought. I also feel that God has called me to serve as a pastor's wife because my own life has been so shaped by the local church. I have such a passion to see people bond together as the body of Christ. In both of my last posts I have mentioned my love for women/girls and helping them realize their full potential and worth so that is another area I would like to serve. And a newly discovered desire is one to work with youth. I suppose that couples with my desire to teach but I never thought I would want to work with this age group at church. But I really do want to see them learn the foundational ideas about faith and prepare them to become responsible, Christian citizens and also to see the power that God Himself has and that serving Him has. So through this fast, I'm expecting God to work miracles in the area of my calling. He knows exactly what steps I should take and in what ways I should serve now. I'm committing this time to Him to really get to know Him and discover the plans He has for me. And I'm most excited that it gets to be time for just me and Him.
So what does all this mean??? I realize I may have rambled a bit but I really am beginning to see how God has used all of the pieces of my life to bring me to the brink of this powerful move of His Spirit. Romans8:28 is so true that "all things work together for the good those who love Him and are called according to His purpose". I never would have imagined in a million years that at 24, I'd be living on my own in a town I'd never heard of 1/2 way across the country from my parents and yet learning to be so content. God has completely changed my vision and the way I view this world and myself. He takes what the devil intends for destruction and turns it around into the biggest blessing ever. I would never be so pregnant with expectation and excitement without the steps I have taken to this point. The life lessons and the God lessons I have learned and am learning one day at a time are lessons I wouldn't trade for anything. Even now, I am amazed that God can take a nerdy, fairly average, chubby teen with her share of hurts and pain who just has a passion for people and wants to serve God in everything and break me into this willing vessel who still just wants to serve God with her whole heart and life.
Thank you God for being faithful, patient, forgiving and providing me with grace and mercy for each day and love that never ends and never fails! You are the true Lover of my soul!
There's been a lot on my mind today with church and the usual contemplating of my faith. We started a corporate 21 day fast today-the whole church. And God was sooo good in our services (like I should doubt Him)! I had really been struggling with what to fast and what I am fasting for but God has really dealt with me in the past 24 hours.
I've been severely hurt by a relationship in the very recent past (less than a month ago) and I have really been trying to stay positive and draw closer to God but it has been such an obstacle. See, I thought I was in God's will in that relationship-the guy I was dating felt called to ministry, we had a LOT in common, we had similar passions and it just felt "right". But we are at different places in life. He's 4 years younger than me but I thought his maturity level was higher and that he felt ready to make a serious commitment. I was wrong but didn't discover such until I had completely changed my life for him. I left a good job, close proximity to my friends and family, and a comfortable life to move where he was-Texas. And less than 5 months into our relationship, we find ourselves at this crossroad and about a month ago we (he) ended things. I was trying to hold on in hopes he would mature and be the man I needed him to be-the man he told me he was-but he gave in to the pressure. There were many signs in our time together that things just weren't quite "right" but I really felt like I had heard from God so I pursued it. And now, I'm on my own doing my best to deal with the end of a relationship I thought was going to last forever. And the devil torments me every day.
I say all that to say that God has been working miracles in my life and especially my heart. About a year ago, I was in TN and there was a book sale at the local Christian bookstore. By the time I got done perusing the aisles, I had a basketful of books (I'm obssessed with books), of which I chose 10 to purchase. I read a few at the time but others haven't made it to my priority list. A bedtime ritual for me is reading for even just a few minutes and the other night I needed new material. So I found one of the books I bought at that sale and dug in. There was no particular reason I chose this book even in thinking about my failed relationship. But from the minute I began reading, I have hardly been able to put it down. The book is titled "If Men Are Like Buses, Then How Do I Catch One?" and is authored by Michelle McKinney Hammond. God divinely appointed me to read this book at this time because He knew exactly what I needed. The title may suggest that this book is about how to find a mate but it is so much more. It deals with how women should approach relationships with men and more importantly, the role and importance of our relationship with God. And the writing style is as if
In reading this book, I have found God dealing with me about the church fast. I truly feel that one reason God allowed my aforementioned relationship to end when it did is because He knew that I needed to get serious with Him and were I still dating, I wouldn't take the time to do so. As I mentioned in an earlier post-I say I want more of God but my actions don't portray that. But it's time that they do. I am so ready for God to move in me and to find total completeness in Him that I will sacrifice whatever I have to to get to Him. I am fully convinced that I did not just pick up and move my life to pursue a relationship that was doomed to fail. God has called me to more than that, to something deeper.
I have always felt called to ministry in my life. When I was younger I felt missions was my passion and it still is. There is a thrill in my heart when I serve others and have the opportunity to lead them to Jesus. But I feel this calling is in a different area than I originally thought. I also feel that God has called me to serve as a pastor's wife because my own life has been so shaped by the local church. I have such a passion to see people bond together as the body of Christ. In both of my last posts I have mentioned my love for women/girls and helping them realize their full potential and worth so that is another area I would like to serve. And a newly discovered desire is one to work with youth. I suppose that couples with my desire to teach but I never thought I would want to work with this age group at church. But I really do want to see them learn the foundational ideas about faith and prepare them to become responsible, Christian citizens and also to see the power that God Himself has and that serving Him has. So through this fast, I'm expecting God to work miracles in the area of my calling. He knows exactly what steps I should take and in what ways I should serve now. I'm committing this time to Him to really get to know Him and discover the plans He has for me. And I'm most excited that it gets to be time for just me and Him.
So what does all this mean??? I realize I may have rambled a bit but I really am beginning to see how God has used all of the pieces of my life to bring me to the brink of this powerful move of His Spirit. Romans
Thank you God for being faithful, patient, forgiving and providing me with grace and mercy for each day and love that never ends and never fails! You are the true Lover of my soul!
Saying Yes
It's waaay too late/early for me to be doing this but I just had one of the most stimulating conversations ever with a close friend. (Thanks DM!) That's a disclaimer in case none of this makes sense.
I've had some really deep discussions with some people really close to me lately. My heart is so on fire to see an immediate and radical change in my life and the lives of those around me that it is practically beating out of my chest. I am so tired of the devil tormenting God's people and telling them lies not about life or others but about themselves. I am so consumed by this passion that in this moment I feel I can drastically change the world. And you know what? I so can. God has made me more than a conqueror and I am His child, His heir. You see, I know that in the end, the only thing that truly matters is my relationship with Christ and what I have done for Him in the brief time that I have on this earth. God doesn't care what clothes I wear, what car I drive, what computer or cell phone I have. He wants to know if what I wear glorifies Him. He wants to know if I use my car to carry me to do His will. He wants to know if I exalt Him in the things I look at and say. This whole mess the world has made with humanity being so consumed with materialism, love, feelings...none of that matters. When I die and am taken to meet my Jesus, I want Him to say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." People have been preaching this since the days of Jesus (He Himself preached it) so what has taken me so long to realize it?
I just know that my life needs a major overhaul. I say I want more of God but my actions speak so much louder. I say I love people but my actions speak so much louder. I say I give God my life but my actions speak so much louder. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around hating God, hating people and hating life, I just know I'm not doing all I can for Him. And now is the time. I was telling above said friend that I keep going back to a sermon I heard in Cleveland. That Sunday, the Pastor of this church of approximately 1,200 spoke about saying "yes" to God in the moment. But he spoke that message to me. While I expressed this thought in my first post, I don't think I really gave it the explanation it deserves. This pastor compared life to bowling. He stated that if you always keep your eyes on the pins at the end of the lane (your destination), you will most likely miss hitting them. However, if we focus on the arrows pointing toward our pins (the opportunities in our daily lives), we will probably hit those pins. He went on to say that in order for us to hit the mark of completing our journey of life in a manner pleasing to God, we must look around us at the daily moments when God asks us to say "yes" to Him. This message profoundly impacted me in that I reflected on the number of moments in my life in which first of all, I've taken enough time to hear God's voice much less say "yes" to Him. I realized that there is a window of opportunity for me to make my move for God and then that window is closed and I've missed that chance forever. What I'm saying is this...Do I think that if I miss a chance of saying "yes" that I lose my salvation and am condemned to hell? NO. But I do think that if I miss a chance of saying "yes" that I miss a chance to really make an impact on an individual, group, or the world. And isn't that what we all long for-the feeling that we are making a difference, that what we do matters?
I just can't shake these feelings so maybe this is what God has me fasting for (during our church's 21 day fast which started at midnight today). I need to take the time to be more in tune to Him so that I don't waste any opportunities and give each chance I do receive my utmost attention. God, I so long for your voice and clear direction. Today, I commit to You my life, my love, and my soul completely. Today, I say YES!
I've had some really deep discussions with some people really close to me lately. My heart is so on fire to see an immediate and radical change in my life and the lives of those around me that it is practically beating out of my chest. I am so tired of the devil tormenting God's people and telling them lies not about life or others but about themselves. I am so consumed by this passion that in this moment I feel I can drastically change the world. And you know what? I so can. God has made me more than a conqueror and I am His child, His heir. You see, I know that in the end, the only thing that truly matters is my relationship with Christ and what I have done for Him in the brief time that I have on this earth. God doesn't care what clothes I wear, what car I drive, what computer or cell phone I have. He wants to know if what I wear glorifies Him. He wants to know if I use my car to carry me to do His will. He wants to know if I exalt Him in the things I look at and say. This whole mess the world has made with humanity being so consumed with materialism, love, feelings...none of that matters. When I die and am taken to meet my Jesus, I want Him to say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." People have been preaching this since the days of Jesus (He Himself preached it) so what has taken me so long to realize it?
I just know that my life needs a major overhaul. I say I want more of God but my actions speak so much louder. I say I love people but my actions speak so much louder. I say I give God my life but my actions speak so much louder. Don't get me wrong, I'm not walking around hating God, hating people and hating life, I just know I'm not doing all I can for Him. And now is the time. I was telling above said friend that I keep going back to a sermon I heard in Cleveland. That Sunday, the Pastor of this church of approximately 1,200 spoke about saying "yes" to God in the moment. But he spoke that message to me. While I expressed this thought in my first post, I don't think I really gave it the explanation it deserves. This pastor compared life to bowling. He stated that if you always keep your eyes on the pins at the end of the lane (your destination), you will most likely miss hitting them. However, if we focus on the arrows pointing toward our pins (the opportunities in our daily lives), we will probably hit those pins. He went on to say that in order for us to hit the mark of completing our journey of life in a manner pleasing to God, we must look around us at the daily moments when God asks us to say "yes" to Him. This message profoundly impacted me in that I reflected on the number of moments in my life in which first of all, I've taken enough time to hear God's voice much less say "yes" to Him. I realized that there is a window of opportunity for me to make my move for God and then that window is closed and I've missed that chance forever. What I'm saying is this...Do I think that if I miss a chance of saying "yes" that I lose my salvation and am condemned to hell? NO. But I do think that if I miss a chance of saying "yes" that I miss a chance to really make an impact on an individual, group, or the world. And isn't that what we all long for-the feeling that we are making a difference, that what we do matters?
I just can't shake these feelings so maybe this is what God has me fasting for (during our church's 21 day fast which started at midnight today). I need to take the time to be more in tune to Him so that I don't waste any opportunities and give each chance I do receive my utmost attention. God, I so long for your voice and clear direction. Today, I commit to You my life, my love, and my soul completely. Today, I say YES!
Friday, January 4, 2008
A New Year, A New Me
Yeah, it's 4 days into the new year but I still want to make a statement for 2008: My biggest resolution for this year is to quit waiting on my life to start and start living my life that's already started. I have been waiting on the sidelines to get a husband, kids, & my dream job for far too long. It's time for me to start living now, in this moment.
For those of you don't know me, I'm a 24 year old working girl who has big dreams and an even bigger heart. I want to travel the world, lead a women's/girls' ministry, work in missions, and basically be used in whatever way God wants to use me. I've been timid and reserved in the past but the time has come for me to step up and step out for God. I'm too blessed and too talented (no self-righteousness intended) to be waiting for someone to ask me to do anything. I can do whatever He calls me to because He is my Source and my Strength.
I'm obviously really passionate about ministry and the local church. My heart beats for youth and the obstacles they face in today's society. I long to lead them and show them that there's a better path than what the world wants them to see. They have value and purpose and serving God is SO worth it. (I especially feel this way about females-I want them to realize their worth to God, to others and especially to themselves.) I also find Christian music (most notably praise & worship) to be a means of healing, restoration and strength and enjoy singing or assisting in that area whenever possible.
Anyway, that's my first post. I'm sure there will be more to come. Kudos to Dustie (a fabulous friend) for encouraging me to start this. I have a feeling that this blog and my memoir will become intertwined in many ways. In the meantime, consider saying "yes" to God in the moment, when it matters. I'm learning this lesson and don't regret it one bit!
For those of you don't know me, I'm a 24 year old working girl who has big dreams and an even bigger heart. I want to travel the world, lead a women's/girls' ministry, work in missions, and basically be used in whatever way God wants to use me. I've been timid and reserved in the past but the time has come for me to step up and step out for God. I'm too blessed and too talented (no self-righteousness intended) to be waiting for someone to ask me to do anything. I can do whatever He calls me to because He is my Source and my Strength.
I'm obviously really passionate about ministry and the local church. My heart beats for youth and the obstacles they face in today's society. I long to lead them and show them that there's a better path than what the world wants them to see. They have value and purpose and serving God is SO worth it. (I especially feel this way about females-I want them to realize their worth to God, to others and especially to themselves.) I also find Christian music (most notably praise & worship) to be a means of healing, restoration and strength and enjoy singing or assisting in that area whenever possible.
Anyway, that's my first post. I'm sure there will be more to come. Kudos to Dustie (a fabulous friend) for encouraging me to start this. I have a feeling that this blog and my memoir will become intertwined in many ways. In the meantime, consider saying "yes" to God in the moment, when it matters. I'm learning this lesson and don't regret it one bit!
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