My 1st Public NSV

Blog-lovelies, boy do I have some news for you!

Ok, many of you know healthy life-minded people know what an NSV (Non-Scale Victory) is but for those who don't, the way I define it is an exciting event that occurs on the journey that is healthiness related but is not in any way connected to the numbers on the scale. These events can be anything from sitting in a regular booth at a restaurant without feeling like your breath is being squeezed out of you to fitting into those a size of clothing that you haven't seen since middle school (or in my case, maybe elementary school).

Today, I had one of those experiences. Back in June on Father's Day weekend, Z & I went to Dallas to celebrate the holiday with his parents. We went to lunch and then stopped at a mall to check out a couple of things before heading back to their house. While we were at the mall, Z & I both found great deals on some clothes. At that time, I was all gung-ho on the weight loss train (still am, just the initial momentum has dwindled a bit) and I decided to do something daring. I found a pair of black leggings for $6 and had been wanting to try leggings for quite a while. I love the trendy look they give but also love that they are a modest option. Those leggings hung in my closet for weeks and I would see them every day and think about how great it would feel to wear them. Not only was my body image a bit too low to wear them with the confidence you need to pull off leggings, I also had no shirt that was quite right to wear with them except for a $7 one I had bought at the same time. When I tried that shirt on, it was a bit tight and not nearly comfortable enough for day-to-day wear.

So today as I stood in my closet trying to find the perfect outfit without wearing my 1 pair of summer pants I love or wearing shorts that I don't feel so good in. After going through multiple outfits, I finally decided to just try the leggings and shirt. To my amazement, they fit. And I looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. What do you think?

While this may not be my 1st official NSV (because believe it or not I have refused dessert and drank H20 instead of Coke and not had that 2nd helping of dinner), it sure has been a sweet one. And one that I'm proud to share with you today. In your face 305 pound BAP-21 pounds makes a difference!

Keep fighting,

Bethany

And The Journey Continues...

Hi friends Mom! It's day 1 of my 4 day weekend and gosh can I say I love working a summer schedule! 5 hours a day 4 days a week is such a reward from the 50-60 hour weeks I put in during the school year. Yesterday I even got kicked out of my office an hour early because our carpets were going to be cleaned. School schedules rock! (Remind me of that come September!)

This week has been a decent week for food intake & exercise. I missed 1 day this week of the gym and surprisingly, I was really upset about it. I felt so ashamed of not going and was frustrated with myself. I also overate a couple of days and am having trouble quelling my sweet tooth but I've only been over calories 1 day with the rest remaining within my limit or limit + exercise range. I can tell I feel so much better when I exercise and have kicked butt in the gym this week. Even though I still need to go to bed earlier, I have more energy.

One thing I am learning through this process is that every day brings a fresh start, a clean slate. If I happen to not do so great one day, it doesn't mean I'm a complete failure or that I am forever doomed. Even if I feel that way. It just means that I have to get back on track and make a more concentrated effort the next day. I think that's why I haven't succeeded in the past-because I would have 1 bad day of food choices or not working out and I would throw in the proverbial towel. But MFP really helps with that as well in that every morning I start out with 1500 calories. What I do with those is up to me, especially if I use them wisely and add to them through exercise or if I waste them on a temporary fix. I'm learning that beating myself up obviously hasn't worked so now it's time to be real and focus on one step, one choice at a time.

With our trip to NC 2 weeks away (YAY!), I'm doing some prep work in researching some exercises I can do since we won't be in a gym for at least 10 days. The good thing is that my parents have a treadmill and lucky for me, walking/jogging are things I can do outside if necessary (even in summer heat). I'm also checking out strength training and other exercises that will keep me on track while we are gone. We'll be at family reunions (w/huge meals) for 2 days and I'm already prepping for that-a spoonful of the things I want, not a plateful-and then we head to the beach for a few days. That part I can't wait for! We'll be going to the same beach where Z & I honeymooned and I'm looking forward to having some rest and spending some QT with my parents as well. Visits with friends as well as a surprise for Z will cap off the week and I can't wait. I only wish we had more time overall but 10 days is pretty darn good for a vacay. Can you tell I'm excited???

Guess I've gone on enough for now and Z & I have to leave soon for dinner/swimming with friends so...Sayonara for now!

Personal Best

Lemme just keep this short & sweet.

I set a personal best in the gym tonight: 12 minutes of jogging. That may not sound like much to a lot of people but to this 287 pound girl, it's a lot. And while it wasn't one long 12 minute stint (it was 7 and then 5), I'm pretty darn proud. You know why?

It's proof that I can do this.

It's proof that my body can handle it.

It's proof that I don't have to stay a 287 pound girl.

And one day, I won't be. You know why?

I'm taking it 12 minutes at a time.

I'm really tired...

Of writing entries that I never post. That's been going on for a while now. But it is no more.

About 12 days ago, I hit my breaking point. Not with life but with myself. I am DONE being the fat girl. I am DONE being the fat friend. I am DONE thinking about all the time I've wasted being lazy and self-serving rather than being active and self-denying. And so, as of June 14, I'm officially on the quest for healthiness. I wanted to write as soon as I made that decision but I also know that I move very prematurely sometimes.

So I waited. Then I waited. And I waited just a bit more.

And while 12 days is still not very long, I can feel and see a change in myself this time. Out of the past 11 days (my resolution was made late in the evening on day 1), I have been in the gym 10 days. I have a system, a rotation of sorts that helps me get in enough cardio and strength training. Hopefully on Monday, I'll be starting 2 a days meaning I'll be in the gym 2 times a day. With my summer work schedule (9am-2pm Monday through Thursday) I feel I'll be able to complete that challenge even though it is something I've never tried before. Heck, being in the gym once a day is barely something I've ever done before.

Paired with my time in the gym, I've also taken on healthier eating habits. Gone are the days of eating out twice a day or eating an entire entree by myself. Gone are the days of coming home from work and vegging on chips, Oreos or cake. Lately, my choices include more protein, fruits and veggies. I'm drinking more water and am trying to consume less processed food. A typical day of eating looks like this...

8:30am - 2 egg omelet w/ .25 cup cheddar cheese on .5 sandwich thin (This keeps me full for at least 4 hours.)

12:00 or 12:30pm - Carrot sticks with honey mustard; a turkey sandwich and yogurt; or a protein shake

5:00 or 6:00pm - Healthy dinner of something like nachos, oven-baked chicken tenders w/potatoes, veggie stir-fry w/brown rice, etc.

9:00pm - Snack of fruit & whipped cream or a cookie (Z has been making them lately)

That may not look like a lot but it's keeping me on my 1500 calories target and keeps me full all day. I think I'm most proud of this accomplishment.

To help me keep up with everything, I've been using an awesome app/online tool (MFP-myfitnesspal.com) and I'm aiming to hit 1500 calories per day. After setting up my basic profile, MFP tracks my food intake and keeps me on target for calorie, fat, carb, & protein intake. It has basically every food you can think of in its database and even has a way to just add calories if you know those and the food is not in the database. In addition to food, it also tracks water intake as well as daily exercise. The exercise database calculates the calories burned by an exercise in its database and then refigures the total number of calories per day by adding calories burned by exercise to the preset calorie goal. I can also weigh in and it will track my weight loss as well as having a community to use for encouragement, recipes, etc.

I'm hoping that all of the above mentioned items will create a 'perfect storm'. In the past, I have definitely started this journey and ended it basically before it even began but this time is different. I will not remain a 287 pound woman for the rest of my life. I am committed to being healthy for myself and my family (present and future). I was made for more than what I am now and only when I rely on God and push myself to continue this journey will I succeed. Failure is not an option and that's how I intend to think for the rest of my life. Which leads me to my way of thinking-a topic I'll be writing on next.

For now, I'm off to make the most of this Saturday afternoon and evening. And from me to you, make every step and every choice count!

Bethany

Grab Your Gym Bag

I just got home from a good workout at the gym.

Now there's a statement I never thought I'd type. But yes, it is true. I've always been a little terrified of gyms-scared that everyone's pointing and laughing at me (on the inside) and there are so many machines with so many different uses that I felt like I would never get the hang of it. In the past, I've gone to the gym at my college, two at different churches but this is the first fitness center that I have ever joined and paid for. Back in December, when I was really wanting to make a change in my health, we found Premier Fitness which we tried out for a few weeks (thanks to the management) and really came to like. They have a very diverse cardio area with numerous treadmills, ellipticals, stairclimbers and stationary bicycles. I've tried out all 4 of those and definitely enjoy the treadmill the most: a) because I can walk all day long (after 2 minutes on the bikes or elliptical, I can barely breathe); b) almost every treadmill has its own tv so I can watch a good show to pass the time; c) I feel that I know how to control my workout better with the options on the machine.

In addition to different group fitness classes (i.e. Zumba, spinning, cardio) Premier also has a huge weight lifting floor with additional space set aside for improv workouts with stability balls, jump ropes, and mats. I really love machines that are free weight style and use them pretty regularly. I find they are much like the ones I first learned in middle school with that crazy P.E. teacher of mine, Ms. Carter.

Aha! I may have found the reason I've been so afraid of gyms. Ms. Carter was quite an interesting character as the softball coach who only shaved her legs up to her knees but always wore shorts a few inches above that. I remember her super tan legs with all that blond hair showing. Ugh! Anyway, during the weightlifting portion of gym class, we would do circuits and rotate through various stations in the weight room and I remember how much I hated that. Mainly because I was always the weakest person in the class and also because if we didn't do a certain station correctly, she would bark orders like she was the queen German Shepherd. And I suppose she was but it still scared me.

For me, working out has always been viewed as a chore, something that should be done even though it's not all that great. First you gotta figure out where to workout, then what time, find gym clothes/water bottle/ipod/good music, then decide if you're doing a full work out or going light, decide about joining a class, make sure you don't fall while you'e there, etc., etc., etc. But you know, sometimes you just have to do like Nike said and "Just do it!" I'm really trying to work on my attitude to improve my chances of success with staying in the gym. I just have to make myself do it. Today, I would have totally rather taken a nap but I laid down for about 10 minutes and then just made myself go. When I got there, I pushed myself and kept thinking (and believing) that I could succeed. I did. And that's what I have to keep doing. I believe that it will be key for me especially this summer when the temperatures are in the 100's and I'm not able to exercise much outside-'cause you know TX has some HOT summers! Anyway, I just want to encourage myself to stay in the gym-find the best time to workout and just do it. In the end, it is just like a friend of mine said, "Going to the gym makes you feel skinny even when you're not." Eventually, I will be. : )

Current weight: 291 lbs.
Goal weight: 175 lbs.
Total to lose: 116 lbs.

Still working toward healthiness,
Bethany

10 Things

Inspired by a new blog I'm following, I decided to post my first 10 reasons I'm excited to reach my goal weight. Don't laugh (but it's ok if you do because I can't hear you).

1. Wearing a bikini
2. Pulling off the skinny jeans w/tall boots look
3. Outdoor running in cute workout clothes
4. Wearing cute dresses in the summer (even strapless!)
5. Taking dance classes/lessons (I'd love to take a hip-hop class)
6. Flying without having my hips invade the personal space of my neighbors
7. Having pretty underoos :)
8. Being able to go up a full flight of stairs without being winded
9. Having more energy to play and be active
10. Being able to cross my legs for extended periods of time without either of them falling asleep

What's keeping you motivated???

Good thoughts of success to you all, my loves!

Bethany

The 1st Step

It's been a while, huh? I'm not even going to try to make up for my absence nor recap my life over the past 11 months. I will just provide a few details about life as I now know it and then explain my reason for reappearance.

Life is good for Z & I. We're still in TX and I'm at the same charter school I've been at for about 1.5 years now. The only difference? Z works there now too. Actually, he's about 10 feet from me all day-we share a desk. While I'm still handling all things front office related (i.e. enrollment, school lunch program, parent requests, teacher requests, admin assistant-ish things), he's taking care of all things PEIMS (state reports) and is the attendance officer as well as assistant IT guy. He's been there since August and while I won't go into all the details, it really has been a blessing. We now both know what it's like to work in such a great environment with amazing (unwritten) benefits and under decent leadership. And our school is the first iSchool in Texas-check out ischoolcampus.org and cumberlandacademy.com (which will be new and improved very soon) for more details.

We are starting to be more faithful and get more involved in church after a brief hiatus for personal reasons.  God is really beginning to stir our hearts in different areas and we're looking forward to what the future holds. There's also a new member of our family:

Meet Oscar. He's our 4 month old Yorkie that Z surprised me with for Valentine's day this year. We had fallen in love with the yorkie that some of our friends have and I had puppy fever. I figure, better a dog than a kid. Oscar is learning to use puppy pads and is a playful little guy even if he is the quietest. dog. ever. No barking or whining at his first vet visit (which included shots) and he's super laid back and loves to cuddle. (Z says he got the perfect dog for me-we love cuddling...see below.)

Now for the reason I'm back to blogging (and hopefully not making this entirely too long).

A few months ago, I really got my booty into gear with working out and eating healthier. Z & I were hitting the gym 5+ days a week and on Weight Watchers, I was doing great at keeping track of what I ate. I lost 12 pounds in 6 weeks and was feeling good. Until I got sick. And then, I used my sickness as an excuse. And have been even to this day.

I'm tired of the excuses and ridiculous reasons I come up with about not being able to eat right or not going to the gym. So this time, I'm becoming accountable. To you. But more importantly, to myself. I know I don't have many readers and I may never have more than my mom and my husband. But I figure if I at least start writing about my journey to healthiness, I can be aware of the person I am, the person I'm becoming and the decisions I make.

With these newest posts, I plan to have weigh-ins, post pictures, write reflections and summaries of how I'm spending my days and what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I want to have some memories of my current life and be able to really see the transformation taking place-what better way to keep up with all of those things than the written word.

For the record, my heaviest weight was somewhere around 300 pounds. 300 POUNDS!!! Yes, you read that right. I'm not proud of that. Today, I hover around 290 and while I'm not obsessive about the numbers on a scale, my numbers OBVIOUSLY show I have a long road ahead of me. I'm back to tracking my food/activity on Weight Watchers and plan to let the gym kick my booty again soon. Join me if you'd like as I make this trek to a healthier life and if you choose not to, I'll just keep moving forward for the person it matters to the most: ME.

One step at a time, one choice at a time...

Bethany

Busy, Busy

Yeah, I'm over a month overdue for a post. And I would apologize for that if I felt sorry. But I don't. These past 5 weeks have been jammed full of "stuff". After spring break week-which ended wonderfully with our few days away in big D-work kinda spun outta control. Apparently, spring break signifies "the point in which we stop working" to the kids and teachers. A fact which I have forgotten since my elementary school days. Everyone's been stressed to the max and we still have some TAKS tests (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) to go. Not to mention I've been preparing paperwork for 500 packets to be given to new and returning students this coming week. Thankfully, I had a parent volunteer and my sweet husband to help me finish all of them. Otherwise, I'd be going crazy over finishing them. Needless to say, the next 6 weeks should be quite interesting as things start to wind down. And I'm just hanging on til summer break. Once the kids are gone, my days shorten and I'm pretty sure I'm off on Fridays. Hallelujah! Thank ya Jesus!

I'm supposed to be at church right now but Friday, I had the WORST sore throat ever accompanied by tons of drainage-yep, I just said that. Yesterday was ok but my breathing was still quite constricted and when I woke up this morning, everything had shifted and it all felt like it was moving to my chest. I've already battled pollen and won and we are FINALLY getting a good rain (after 2-3 weeks without much beyond some sprinkles of showers) so I'm hoping I can fight this off pretty easily. Z is the best and told me to stay home and get some rest so I can be ready to teach The Refining (my girls' small group) tonight. So here I am, listening to David Crowder and writing from bed.

I can't believe I didn't even write about the youth pastors' retreat because HELLO! It changed my life. Yeah, in some small ways but Z and I had so much fun and hung out with such cool people. We just really received much needed refreshing and were able to spend some good, quality time together. And we stayed at this AWESOME hotel which was just perfect and beautiful. (As a side note-I would just like to say that I LOVE heated pools.) I'm looking forward to the end of the month because we're attending a live recording at Christ For the Nations Institute for free and may get to stay at the same hotel.

The end of school may translate into a slow time for me at work but it means MAJOR acceleration with youth activities. We're 7 weeks away from our mission trip to D.C. I'm very excited but I'm just praying God will prick the hearts of our church people to support us in our endeavor. Our kids are going to have some amazing opportunities to see what true missions is all about instead of just giving it lip service or throwing money at it like so many people do. I believe this trip will literally change their lives.

We'll also be heading to youth camp in July and having pool parties, overnighters, and all the other fun events that make youth pastoring so "rewarding". Ha! We've got a 30 Hour Famine planned for the upcoming weekend and then 2 weeks after that is Fine Arts competition. Both of which are overnight events but will be fun to attend.  I'm looking forward to being able to spend more time with the kids since my job will allow me that opportunity unlike last summer. Our kids are making some serious spiritual advances and I'm so proud of them and the time Z is pouring into them.

Speaking of Z, he and I are still working on our weight loss. We've both lost 7 pounds and I'm so proud of both us for sticking with it. We didn't get to the gym as much as we'd hoped last week but it's a new day and we should make it this week. Yes, we want to lose weight but we're learning a lot about just living healthfully and making better choices. We're both drinking water exclusively (with a sweet tea thrown in maybe once a week) and overall, just feeling better. With working the weights at the gym, we're also feeling ourselves becoming stronger and toning up our muscles. It's amazing how much better we both feel.

Well, this post is ENTIRELY too long. So sorry but thanks for reading. Hopefully it won't take me so long to update next time. By the way, I didn't even touch on Easter Sunday or our church's building dedication but both were a great success. And you should check out this song I sang for Easter-had me crying by the end of hearing it the first time. Truly, we are the reason He had to die.

Thankful for His sacrifice,
B
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

SB Day 1: Sleep, Oh How I Miss Thee!

It has been quite the productive 1st day of spring break for me. Although I was up way too late last night, I got up (read-woke up) around 7:45 this morning. I know that's not early to most of you but when it's your 1st day of a week off...HELLO! Sleep, why aren't you my friend???

So I got up and made Z a quick breakfast of cheese eggs & toast-YUM-and then did a few house chores and met him at his office. We ran a few errands and had lunch together and I'm pleased to say that in 7-10 business days, I will officially be Bethany Ann Parker. Let me chase a quick rabbit here...

I've had quite a hangup regarding my name change since Z & I got married. Yes, my new name is Parker but there is a part of me that doesn't want to forget my roots, where I came from, because that's who I am or at least it has made me who I am. My family is a very important reason I am the woman I am today. So this whole name-changing process has me a bit torn. I really hate having to leave out part of my name, really I do. On the plus side, I don't have to change my monogram and I do like that I'm still BAP. :) So Mom, if you're reading, now you know the truth. (And yes, I do know how trivial this is to most people but it's kinda a big deal to me.)

Anyway, the wait time really wasn't bad at the social security office or at the DMV so I was able to finish that up pretty quickly and then come home and try to organize my music library. I have SO much music (read - cds) that I hardly know what to do with them all. But I'm making some progress. Dinner was enchilada casserole that turned out really good. I was quite full from that and some mexican rice (that I make by just adding salsa & taco seasoning to white rice). After my apple I realized that I had done pretty well today considering it's my 1st day of break. Granted, we still have the rest of the week to go but Z is helping me and we're doing well at staying on track.

Well, that's it for now. Tomorrow I have several things I want to cross off my spring break list including getting some of my recipes organized and getting my car inspected. We also will be having lunch & bowling with the youth and then heading to Grandmother's for dinner. Looking forward to another busy day...hopefully with a little more sleep.

Night night,
Bethany

SPRING BREAK :)

It is Sunday night of the week of spring break and I am SO thankful! I've been looking forward to this week for a while now and can't wait for all the excitement that is planned. I won't detail it now but how 'bout a little listy-list to share a few upcoming events:

1. Update social security card & DL w/married name :)
2. Workout at least 3 days this week
3. Eat lunch & go bowling w/youth
4. Visit grandma
5. Out to eat for Wednesday youth service
6. Organize/clean the house
7. Start recipe book (collecting & organizing the ones I have)
8. Help Z w/youth stuff
9. Organize Z's office :)
10. Finish editing my grandmother's picture book from her 90th birthday party
11. Clean inside/outside of my car
12. Head to Lakeview for a few days of relaxation & Dallas adventures w/ Z (YAY!)

I've got lots to get done but am so excited. I think this break is exactly why I've been needing to get me a bit more motivated in some departments and I'm SO looking forward to it.

Tonight was a good night of girl time w/the youth group girls from church. We started our small group ministry tonight and ours is called The Refining symbolizing that God is refining us and taking all our impurities and making us pure. Z & I are both SO excited about the direction this ministry is headed and we can't wait to see what God is going to do in the lives of our teens. They are precious kids and I only pray that they realize how much more the Father loves them than we do. We've had a lot of fun with them lately.

About the healthy living journey... It hasn't been all bad lately-just haven't made as many healthy decisions as I should. Yesterday we celebrated Z's dad's birthday in Rockwall at Gloria's and we all know how I LOVE me some Mexican food! It was the PERFECT day for being down by the lake-mid 60's, sunny w/a breeze-so we ate outside and then walked down by the water. We took some fun photos and then had Coldstone ice cream (where I LOVE the cheesecake & cinnamon mixed). But that plus and a little fruit and a fiber bar was all I had. I definitely need to drink more water and I'm hoping to get my workouts in this week. Some of the girls from youth want to go walk/workout with me so we may try to do that since everyone's off. Overall I feel good and am really proud of Z and myself for being so serious about this. We even gave up PIZZA today to come home and have beef tips and rice. So the health train is still rolling-hopefully it's picking back up after slowing down a little for the weekend.

Well, I better go get a little snack before heading to bed. Busy day tomorrow with all the errands I need to run but looking forward to extra time to sleep :)

Blessings,
Bethany

1 More Day

Just a quick post because I'm super tired tonight (and it's only 9pm-I am such a grandma).

Today has been a decent day-busy at work and didn't feel like myself all day but this afternoon, Z & I took a 1.5 mile walk and I'm feeling much better. Afterward, I made mexican chicken (w/black beans, corn, salsa, & taco seasoning) & rice and we finished off the triple fruit chocolate pudding. I am still very full-should have cut back on my rice portion-and my eyes are getting heavy.

The sounds of crickets outside my door right now has me SO looking forward to spring and the fact that it will be 60+ degrees for the next 10 days here. Even if it's raining, I'm happy for the impending season change. It was so nice to get outside tonight to walk-I really think I just needed some fresh air to shove me out of the 'bleh' mode.

My calorie intake wasn't too bad today and I've had the most physical activity I've had in a while. Z joined the weight loss train too but we're terming it 'healthy living' just so we both stay motivated and don't get to stressed. He's especially fond of reading up on the current life topic and is really enjoying this guy.

So the next few days and coming weeks are sure to be a challenge but I'm so glad to be making this change now and not waiting until after kids come along or my schedule gets too busy. I already have so many excuses not to live healthily, I don't need any help in that front. However, I'm definitely not claiming that I will be at x pounds by x date. I'm taking this whole journey one day at a time and one decision at a time. That's what it's all about right? Better decisions for a better me.

Until next time,
Bethany

P.S. One more day of school 'til spring break and I am ECSTATIC!!!

Bettering BAP

A very important shift has happened in my life over the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure of the precise moment it happened or what even triggered it but I am determined to make it last. A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon a blog by Amanda, entitled Another Prior Fat Girl. Don't ask me how I found her because I honestly don't even know but I do know it significantly impacted my life. After I read all of her posts about her dramatic weight loss, I read from her inspiration and friend Jen, the original Prior Fat Girl. These two ladies' amazing journey through their loss of a significant amount of weight coupled with the fact that they are around my age inspired me to again attempt the journey myself. The only difference? This time it seems to have stuck.

In all the prior diet attempts I've made, I reduce the amount of all the things I'm eating and do some cardio exercise. Only 1 of those multiple attempts has ever been successful for me and then I lost about 35 lbs. only to gain it and more back when my disciplined lifestyle ran away to hide for awhile.

But after reading those blogs and seeing the techniques that every day people (like me) use, I truly am inspired. I can't tell you how many things are on my list to try or that I have tried due to the exposure just from those two girls (including but not limited to chicken, bacon artichoke deLite pizza; aluminum water bottles; 45 calorie bread; triple fruit white chocolate pudding; Hungry Girl daily e-mails & cookbook). My eyes have been opened to so much-especially how many calories I was eating (WAY too many) and how the foods I ate so drastically affected my life, mood, relationships, etc.

And now, here I am. I've been tracking my food/calories since February 22, 2010 and have been consciously making better choices in many areas of my life and just plain thinking healthier. Z and I have researched so many healthy options and I can't wait for my next paycheck so I can go to the store and explore them. There are fruits and veggies that I'm dying to give a chance and soups and dairy products I never dreamed about putting in my cart but I can't wait! The really awesome thing is that since I began this journey a little over a week ago, I feel so much better! At first I was a little scared of getting hungry and not being able to fill up but now, I can hardly eat all things I prepare ahead of time.


I start my day with my travel mug of coffee & creamer ('cause I just haven't been able to give that up) and on work days am having a banana by 9am. At 10:15 or so I fill up with either a fiber or nut bar that helps me make it to lunch. So many options are available for lunch-which I eat at 12 or 12:30 but one of my faves is a pb&j on 45 calorie bread with low sugar grape jelly (which I grew up on and has now caused me to not be able to eat regular jelly-FAR too sweet for me). I usually have that with 27 Cheez-its = 1 serving and an apple immediately following or shortly after. Today for lunch I had leftover taco soup from last week that was seasoned perfection and 4 saltine crackers along with my apple. For a snack I may have some peanuts or some chocolate cheerios-which are new & fabulous by the way-if I get hungry around 3pm. By the time I get home-and I bring at least 2 extra snacks home that I didn't eat throughout the day-I'm pretty hungry so I may snack on some light butter popcorn or some carrots and a little honey mustard. For dinner, Z and I usually cook during the week so we'll have MUCH smaller portions than normal of a well-balanced meal and I'm learning the art of low-cal dessert options (like the triple fruit white chocolate pudding I mentioned).

As usual, the hardest place for me to cutback is at restaurants. Like last night, I met one of our youth and her mom at Cheddar's and I REALLY wanted to eat. Not just nibble but EAT. However, I had just walked 1.25 miles and made myself eat carrots and honey mustard (I am not a rabbit fo' sho' y'all) and I surely didn't want to ruin all the progress I had made. So I did what any fat girl trying to be healthy would do: reviewed the menu for something semi-healthy and then ordered the smokehouse burger, no pickles, sauce on the side and no side to go with it. When it came I cut it in half, took off the bottom and then ate that 1/2, 5 of my friends' fries, and 3 onion rings from the appetizer. When I finished, I wasn't bursting at the seams and was kinda tempted to eat the other half but I could definitely tell that if I did, I would be miserable. I even just drank water with my meal-not the sugary sweet tea that I am so fond of. Arriving home, I had an attack of my sweet tooth so I had a small dessert of the triple berry pudding from Monday and drank more water (I had 84 ounces of H20 yesterday).

I was so proud of myself for not giving in and eating too much. I am doing my best to make sure this lifestyle change sticks and even push myself through the processed food aisles at the store faster so I can linger with the fruits and veggies. I am drinking SO MUCH AGUA but my body is finally adjusting to it = I don't have to excuse myself to the restroom every hour anymore. And I am determined to get more exercise in. More and longer walks paired with some Hip Hop Abs (cheesy as it is) and some usage of the exercise ball are my plan of attack. That's what worked in the activity department last time I lost weight and I'm planning to incorporate those into my plan now.

Wow, this is a long post. Sorry-didn't mean to be so verbose but I hope you can see my excitement about getting my body and mind in shape. :) This won't become the focus of my blog but it will impact what I write about so please forgive the ups and downs of this 'BAP on her beat the belly campaign'. Words of encouragement or helpful info are welcome so feel free to throw the comments in and thanks for sticking with me through this journey to a better me. I wanna be a prior fat girl!

Blessings,
Bethany

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Today...

I'm wearing a skirt I haven't been able to wear in over 3 years.

YAY for clothes shopping in the "Save it until I can fit in it again" section of my closet!

~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

Worth It

***Disclaimer: The following post is not intended to be self-righteous in any way. It is written from the standpoint that each of us is God's creation and deserves only the best. Please do not be offended or judgmental when reading.***

Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."

Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.

During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).

College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.

So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.

So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?