When I Fall In Love

Growing up, every little girl dreams of when she'll be able to sing that old Doris Day song and know that she's found that forever love. I know I've spoken of it quite a bit but I do feel that I've found mine. And it all changed in an instant.

Z and I had been "officially" dating for 5 weeks and had known each other for just under 2 months. Things were moving fast-faster than I was comfortable with and I knew that I wasn't just falling-I had fallen. At this point, I had been to Arlington 3 times and Z had come to Paris twice. The second time was the weekend right after the first time he visited and it was a total surprise. He showed up at my house on a Saturday evening just as a friend and I were getting ready to go to a concert here in town. I had just stepped out of the shower and was applying my makeup. The doorbell rang, my friend answered it and there he stood. I thought she was kidding but she told me to put on some clothes and come see for myself. So I threw on a tank and my pj bottoms and she was right. It was him. That was the start of the change.

He stayed through the weekend and into the first part of the week, not leaving until Tuesday evening. Those two weekdays were special-I'd go home for lunch and he'd be there. We spent one evening visiting a newborn church member in the hospital, eating pizza & ice cream & watching Madea. Tuesday evening before he left, I came home from work and he had folded the laundry, done the dishes and cleaned up the house. (Now do you understand why I love him so much ladies?) So we were able to just enjoy each other's company before he had to head home.

After he left, my pastor's wife called to see how I was doing. We made small talk for a few and hung up. Her daughter (who is like my sister) called back minutes later, inviting me over to watch a movie. I agreed since I was pretty bummed about Z leaving so I arrived and we (me, Pastor, & PW-pastor's wife) sat and chatted in their living room. The kids were busy "cleaning" (aka playing) so we were able to have some adult conversation. After discussing all the likes and dislikes (though those were few) of my situation, I could tell my heart was changing. Pastor & PW know me the best of anyone outside of my family (especially spiritually) so I value their opinions. They both gave Z the stamp of approval (not that it was needed but I felt better with it) and we chatted about other random topics. After PW & I talked his ear off, Pastor went to bed-it was late when I got there-but PW and I continued our discussion of the situation. At some point during the conversation, I began to cry and when PW asked why, I had no good explanation. I was scared but not enough to cry so hard. Once I began to contemplate it, I realized why I was crying and exactly what was wrong:

Now that I had found the one I believe God made for me, I didn't want to be alone anymore.

See, up to this point, I had enjoyed my independence, my freedom. I liked living alone, having my space, not feeling pressured or tied down. I didn't have to ask anybody's permission to do anything and I didn't have to feel guilty for doing what I wanted to do.

But now, I had met this man. A man who I wanted to be with, who I wanted to ask permission from, who I wanted to be tied to. A man who made me feel like a woman, who treated me like a lady, and who respected me as a sister in Christ. And that enjoyment of freedom was snuffed out-in the blink of an eye. In fact, the average person on the outside looking in would have never noticed anything different. But that night into the early morning hours of August 20, 2008 there was a 180 degree change for me.

So now, here are Z & I-struggling to follow God's will for us; wanting to press the fast-forward button on our lives but knowing we should cherish every here-and-now moment together. And that's just what we plan to do-for the rest of our lives.

I love you, Z.
Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me. Ruth 1:16b-17

Blessings,
B
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:13

Day 3

Thankful in 30

1. The couple at church who volunteered to teach the 9-11 year old class on Wednesdays. I love my kids but will be glad to be able to be fed on Wednesdays. (Yes Mom, this means I'll be able to have dinner w/you on my birthday.)

2. Cooler evening temps announcing autumn's impending arrival.

3. An amazing, funny, intellectual, devoted, loving man of God who I just happen to call my boyfriend. (And whose birthday is in exactly 30 days.)

4. Productive days at work when I can catch up.

5. Calendars.

************************************************************************

In other news, this presidential race just got interesting to me tonight. On Friday, when I heard of McCain's choice for VP, my immediate first thought was, "He is such a fool!". (I literally said that out loud.) Over the past few days, I've seen any chance of a Republican continuance of power dwindle especially after the story about her eldest daughter surfaced. But after her speech tonight, all I can say is, "Wow." I see now why people love her so much. Granted, I'm not sure if any of them knew why until tonight but she really worked the crowd, gave an outstanding speech and portrayed herself as a strong, resilient lady, ready to serve. And so, the plot thickens...dun, dun, duuuuuuunnnnnnn.

Let me also take this opportunity to say thank you to Z:

You have changed my life in so many ways. I never dreamed a love like yours existed but I am so thankful it does. Moreso, I am thankful God is allowing me to experience it. I don't know how He did it but He brought us together and I've found a once in a lifetime love. Words will never adequately convey my feelings but they're all I've got. Thank you-for loving me just the way I am and inspiring me to better myself each day. Just as with God's love, I am so unworthy but thank you for being His hands, His feet, and His heart to me. I love you.

The End.

Blessings,
Bethany
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Day 2

Today's Thankful in 30
1. With the leftovers of Gustav pounding Paris right now, I'm thankful for dry places to do my workout walking. (Thank you, FBC FLC.)
2. The sound of rain outside my window right now-even though it is the remnants of a hurricane, I love rain.
3. Old friends-I heard from 2 today and though I miss them terribly and don't talk to them near enough, I'm so thankful for their friendship and the lessons I've learned during those seasons of my life.
BONUS: I'm thankful for blogs. Z started one today and I love to read what he writes-he's so intellectual. I'm looking forward to getting to know him even better-there's so much to learn.

Not much else to blog about tonight. Finishing up the 90210 premiere which I've been anticipating for MONTHS (so far, it's pretty good), talking to Z, planning a lesson for my class tomorrow night, doing some reading & hitting the sheets.

Happy hump day tomorrow!

Blesssings,
B
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Thankfulness

I've been convicted lately of not being thankful enough in my everyday life so I'm making a change beginning today. For the next 30 days, every day, at the end of the day, I plan to name at least 3 things that I'm thankful for that are specific to the day's happenings. There may be days that have more than 3 but I guarantee that each day there will be 3. (This also means that I will have to blog every day, for those of you who keep up with me Mom & Dad Mom.) I'm seeking to change my attitude and become a more grateful person.

So without further ado, today's Thankful in 30:

~the 30 minute walk I got in today
~the smell of an open-air fire that wafted my way reminding me of the impending change of seasons
~my Sunday School classroom that is now fully decorated & is serving as my office as well
~Route 44 sweet tea @ Sonic for $1.07 (gotta love happy hour)
~the accomplished feeling of productivity now that I've worked, cleaned, worked out & blogged

More tomorrow...

Blessings,
Bethany
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Grace

I picked up Blue Like Jazz again today. (Check it out if you haven't already.) Had started it months ago after hearing the rave reviews and for whatever reason got sidetracked and put it down. A shame because Miller makes such valid points like the one I read today. Chapter 7 is entitled Grace and it hit really close to home. Growing up in a minister's home, I lived in a fishbowl with each congregant of my church watching my every move (as well as those of my brothers) just waiting for me to screw up and become the "heathen music pastor's daughter". In my mind, I only truly fulfilled that title maybe 3 or 4 times in my 18 years at that church. Sure I acted up just like every other child in the church but I only really performed seemingly "unforgivable" sins those handful of times. But as I grew up, I learned a lesson from my mother that I struggle with to this day: I must have it all together (or at least appear as such). I always felt that it was important for me to be strong for my friends, for my parents, for my church and to always take a leadership role, placing myself slightly above the other church members-in whatever area applied. I have lived in this position ever since those tender teenage years and have only recently come to understand that everybody knows I don't have it all together (although I've fooled many) just as they don't either. I've been forced to reconcile myself to the fact that when I do have it all together,I've reached the point I don't need God because when I can handle myself without Him, I refuse His love. Which is somewhat the point Miller made during his Grace chapter.

"Like Rick, I am too prideful to accept the grace of God. It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity." (Miller p.85)

That statement could not be any more true in my own life. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very independent person. When I put my mind to something, it's going to get done. Period. End of story. So for me to admit that I can't get to heaven on my own, that I MUST rely on God and His FREE grace, goes completely again my innate nature. I want to be able to earn it or work for it or do something, anything to merit it. But I can't. And too many times I've allowed the enemy to steal my blessing simply because I won't humble myself enough to acknowledge (in front of others) that I need God's free, endless grace.

So today I'm saying this:
God, it's me again, Bethany. I realize I can't earn Your grace or Your love so I surrender today and give myself up to You. Take what little I have to offer and apply Your infinite love to it and use me, Lord. I am Your servant in need of mercy that I cannot win, earn or buy and I am so unworthy of such a marvelous gift. Thank you for unmerited favor. All my love belongs to You.

Blessings,
Bethany
And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace. Romans 11:6

P.S. Another passage from the same chapter that I really love:
"Rick says that I will love God because he first loved me. I will obey God because I love God. But if I cannot accept God's love , I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him. Self-discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will. The ability to accept God's unconditional grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey Him in return. Accepting God's kindness and free love is something the devil does not want us to do. If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love." (Miller p. 86)