Unfortunately, I have no idea what to attribute this to. The past few months just seem to have me on a downward spiral into myself. In the past 6-8 weeks, I've learned more about who I am and what makes me tick that I know how to process. It's so weird to be 31 and still having such grand self-realizations. In some ways I resent it because HELLO! I could have been such a better daughter, sister, & friend with this info. So hopefully I'll use it going forward to be all of those things as well as the most important-a better wife.
Just to spell it out a bit, here's a few of the lightbulb moments I've had lately...
7. I'm an ISFJ on the Myers-Briggs spectrum. Seriously!?!?!? Introverted????? Never in a million years would I have guessed that about myself-until a year ago or so. While I have no idea what shifted, I am thankful that the shift I felt in my personality is justified-even through a free online test. The rest of the type description is fairly spot-on as well although reading about yourself can cause some major resentment as well as Aha! moments.
3. I've been pretty down on myself the past few weeks. I believe my lament to my husband is "I'm fat. I feel lazy.* I have no friends. I'm doing nothing with my life.**" No I'm not depressed-well, maybe situationally-but moreso, Z & I are in a transitional season of life right now. We left our last ministry position 6 months ago & since that was all I'd ever known in our marriage, I've been left feeling a little bit like the rug's been pulled out from under me. Not that I want to go back to ministry-we may circle back to that point a little later. But I am a person who (bad for me) finds my identity in what I do or my job, and while I may still be employed by a church, I am definitely not in the same position as when we were serving. And since serving & helping is my language (thanks enneagram!), I'm lost. I also am slow to develop relationships as it is so not having a
(Not to worry-we've found a church we're planning to plug in to as soon as we can get Z's work transition somewhat settled.)
1. One of my very best friends who I've known for 15 years deserves a BIG OL' APOLOGY. He doesn't read this blog but I hope to have this conversation with him in person sometime. Basically, I was a manipulate b!^*$ to him for a good portion of our high school & college years. Now that I know it's because I wasn't feeling appreciated (Type 9, need I say more?), I feel like a complete jerk. Suffice it to say that I think we should give high schoolers these tests so that they start out their grown-up lives with a better understanding of themselves.
These are just a FEW things I am working through and trying to process to improve myself. The only reason I am okay with realizing all these things in my 30s is because I am in my 30s-a time in my life that I am most comfortable and accepting of who I am. So yeah, I'll take it.
All this has me in my head a lot but I wanted to write out some of it here-mainly because I don't have many readers & maybe someone will stumble across it and be encouraged as they process who it is they truly are.
*I am overweight but am definitely working on it. Feel healthier now than I have in a long while.
**I have done a lot with my life. I am in a relaxed season, learning some things (see entire above post) so I'm trying to be ok with that. And God's working on nudging me towards some things He wants me to do.
So, any of my 3 readers struggling with figuring yourself out & being ok with what you find? If you have any other personality type info or websites, feel free to share!
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