On Considering Kids

Our 6th wedding anniversary is coming up in August. 6. Years. And as many couples would probably confess, some days it feels like just yesterday I was walking up that aisle to forever join my life to his in that little, chapel in the woods and then others I can't remember not knowing him, a part of him seemingly forever written on my heart.

In 6 years we haven't seen one major fight. Disagreements, yes but full-fledged, shouting-match, I'm-right-you're wrong fights, none. Whenever people learn that about us, I always follow up with a statement about how I'm scared of what Z would be like if he were ever truly angry. I have no idea. He has been upset, frustrated, a little hot under the collar but never at me & since he is such a good compartmentalizer, he's never brought those feelings into our home. I will make no comment as to the state of my emotions. That is not the point (for this post). Let's just say Z is the type of guy that quite seriously has the patience of Job and will likely be one of those that will just completely lose it if/when he ever reaches his limit. (I do have recurring dreams that he is a serial killer-I really need to look that up over at dreamdictionary.org.)

6 years has also excluded one of the most strenuous things our marriage will possibly endure...children. Thanks to extreme caution & a small "Thank You God" each month, we have yet to experience the beauty that is child-rearing. We are most definitely open to it and desire to have children, the timing just hasn't been quite right for us to take the plunge & go for it. Of course, my irrational fears may play in to our lack of offspring as well.

Few things in this world strike terror in me the way the thoughts of being responsible for another human life do. Is that normal? As my tendency to overanalyze, overthink, & over-worry consumes me about things I say or what to cook for dinner, you can only imagine the path of crazy that ensues when I think about raising a child.

*I need to lose weight before I have a child.
*We need to save money before we have kids.
*We need a bigger home before we have kids.
*What will we do about child care?
*Will I become a stay-at-home mom?
*Will Z make enough money for me to be a SAH mom?
*How will we handle household duties with a kid in the mix?
*What if I screw up that precious little baby & he/she needs therapy for the rest of his/her life?
*What if my child requires special attention?
*Am I ready for it to not just be me & Z anymore?
*Will I be ok without any personal time?
*Will we homeschool?
*What if therapy doesn't work & my kid becomes a drug-selling prostitute with a long rap sheet?
And the scariest fear of all...*What if we have twins? (They run in both our families.)

This is a very serious rabbit trail, folks. And I hope I didn't offend anyone with those questions-they are legitimate thoughts I've had in the past few years as my ovaries start screaming we feel the pull become stronger to enlarge our family.

Do all women have these fears? Am I standing alone out on the crazy-pre-children island with wondering about all this? I know that realistically I should trust Jesus & let Him work it all out but let's be honest-it's our genes on the line.

I know we'll move forward with having children. It just may end up that I cause myself a full-on breakdown during pregnancy. Poor Z. At this point, I'm just trying to remember my sister-in-law's advice (who has a 3 year old & 1 on the way): Don't think about it too much or you'll never do it. Thanks, Ali! Here's to having the least traumatized kid on the block!