Love Lessons

***NOTE***
I authored the majority of this post on February 21 but finished the last paragraph today. So much progress has been made in this area of my life yet I still feel my words are relevant so I decided to post it anyway.
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Long a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, I have never desired to speak publicly on this topic...until now. Last night, I was speaking with a friend from church who has two daughters ages 14 & 11. Our conversation in addition to others similar to it and my own personal struggles of late have inspired a serious time of soul-searching for me and I have to say, I'm scared of what I've discovered.

In previous posts I have mentioned the most recent of my romantic relationship heartbreaks of which I am still reeling from the effects. Sadly, even after 2 months I'm still dealing with the lack of closure and emotional fragility of the situation. (I have also developed a grave bitterness towards him and men in general which I am attempting to overcome daily.) But during these recent conversations with women that I respect and admire, something has struck a chord within me---Why do I set myself up for disappointment in relationships in spite of knowing that a man cannot fulfill my deepest desires and needs, all the while being fully aware of what's at stake-my fragile heart?

Last weekend, during my east Texas travels I came across a couple cds that I burned from my former roommate and good friend Bri. She stays on top of the music scene (well, the Christian, pop & r&b scenes anyway) and is now living in Nashville. We share similar music interests and she let me rip some upbeat, new songs from her ipod to use during my workouts. Having not heard this collection in 8 months or so I threw it in my cd player in the car and was immediately flooded with memories from summer of 2007-working 2 jobs that I loved, hanging out late with friends, being in long distance love, working out 2 times a day, and being happy overall. Wow-how time changes things! But I digress. The almost-lost point of this story is that on that cd of songs I heard the following:

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I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way 'cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me.
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face?
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be?
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

No I can't be with you
'Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
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Unfortunately, I can't claim this as my anthem, YET. But I sing it like it already is and soon it will be and I'll look back on this whole ordeal and say "Thank you, God".

Okay, before I get too distracted again let me state my semi-obvious point: No human being is capable of satisfying my deepest desires and could never supply my innermost needs. And the moment I realize this-and I mean really realize this-is the moment I completely surrender my will and my ways to God. I spend a lot of my time, less now that I live in TX but a lot nonetheless, pleasing people and seeking acceptance from others-family, friends, members of the opposite sex, church members...the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I love all those people dearly and would not trade my relationships with them for anything. Well, there is one thing-the approval of my heavenly Father. See, all my efforts to make others like me or accept me is futile if I don't use equal (rather, more) effort in pleasing God. He made me-made me-all my quirks, OCD tendencies, strengths and flaws. So why do I find it so hard to understand that He knows the longings and yearnings of my heart-my romance, my career, my ministry, my family (future & present), my relationships, my education-every aspect of my life??? Is it because I am too fearful to release control to Him because I feel He may not come through? For me personally, I think that's the answer. Though I know God has proven Himself more times than I could count and is the Waymaker, for some reason I feel that He may let me down just once. Even though I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is unable to fail. Releasing control...that's my thorn in my flesh.

For far too long, I thought my life would begin when I met my future mate and we began a life together. Yet all the while, my life had already started and I was simply wasting time. So I made the decision to live my life NOW. God didn't make me half a person to only be completed when I meet my "other/better half". He created me whole and with my own individual purpose to complete all by myself. And so today Father, I yield to Your Will, Your Plan, and Your Way. But most of all, I release control to You. Your Ways are higher than my ways, your Thoughts higher than my thoughts. So right now, in this moment, I will rest in the comfort and peace that is Your PERFECT Love.

Gratefully Yours,
~BMy flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26