Honestly...

Such was the title of the devotion I shared w/the women at my church's ladies meeting last night. After the past couple weeks completely consumed with VBS prep, Sunday School networking, curriculum research, work training & office stress, & Wednesday night duties, my mind was literally thrown into a frenzy even thinking about speaking to the ladies. What did I have to share w/them? What could I possibly have that would encourage or edify them? Could I even get my mind focused long enough to hear from God???

So I set about Monday to try to capture the heart of God-for Thursday night at least. I was extremely frustrated by Tuesday night when I had made no progress & fear of failure was beginning to set in. Our pastor's wife, who normally leads the meetings, had pretty much left me to my own devices for this one and I knew I had to bring it, for her sake at least. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I finally made some progress and got started on some thoughts. And in the wee hours of Thursday morning, I made more progress. Finally, by noon on Thursday, I knew I had caught what God wanted to speak through me so I set to typing & gathering info. By yesterday evening, I had bought decorations and made our tables a plethora of pink & was ready to "do my thing".

What exactly did I speak about??? Well, in a nutshell, it was all about honesty with God. My fabulous mom sent me an article several months ago by a lady who is single and waiting for God to bring her soulmate to her. In her writing, she talks about feeling like a 5th wheel after her 2 best friends got married. She felt overlooked, like God was failing to meet her need/desire for romance. So one day, she "took off her prayer gloves" and got completely honest with God-telling Him that though He said He could meet her every need, she had this great need for romance that wasn't getting met.

That article changed my prayer life. As I shared w/the ladies last night, I've been "saved" my whole life. And I've been taught to pray. But for the majority of the past almost 20 years of my relationship w/God, I've only prayed prayers that I thought God wanted me to pray. You know which ones I'm talking about-with the eloquent words, the promises of God ("I know you're taking care of me"), the truths I wanted to believe. And those prayers, at times, have been sincere & from my heart. But the problem is that most of the time, they were only from part of my heart-not my whole heart. I only prayed w/the part of me that I felt I could trust God with, the part I felt that He wouldn't reject.

But the honesty of the author of that article changed my view of prayer. See, God created me-quirks, OCD tendencies, flaws and all. He knows me-my thoughts, my words, my actions-even before I think of doing them. So if He knows my inner being (Psalm 139), why do I try to hide things from Him?

Case in point:
When I'm tired of hearing about all my friends getting married & having babies, why do my prayers sound like this:
"God, I trust that you're taking care of bringing my soulmate to me. I know that I just have to be patient and wait for Your timing. I trust You and know that when it does happen, it will be Your will."
instead of this:
"God, what is wrong with me? Why do all my heathen friends get to enjoy the sanctity of marriage and I've been pure and devoted to You and Your work and keep getting the shaft when it comes to relationships? This isn't fair & I'm mad at You for not giving me the desires of my heart. I'm tired of thinking I've found Mr. Right, only to find out he only wants to be Mr. Right Now. My eggs are dry rotting here..."
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Now, I know that it doesn't bode well to be mad at God a lot, but I also know that He already knows I'm frustrated and hurting so I may as well just be honest about my emotions. So now, instead of putting on this big, religious show for God when I pray, I talk to Him like I do my mom. I tell Him how angry, hurt, happy, tickled pink, joyful, sorry, sad I feel. I give Him all the gory details of my desires & my dreams. He knows 'em anyway so I guess sometimes, it helps me too just to get it out. I figure I may as well tell Him the truth now than have Him give me a spiritual spanking later. And the thing of it is, now that I am more honest and open with Him, I'm finding that He's a much bigger God than I used to give Him credit for. And regardless of how I feel or what I do or say-He loves me and accepts me not just as I am, but just as I am in Him.

Honestly,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26