Love Lessons

***NOTE***
I authored the majority of this post on February 21 but finished the last paragraph today. So much progress has been made in this area of my life yet I still feel my words are relevant so I decided to post it anyway.
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Long a subject that is very near and dear to my heart, I have never desired to speak publicly on this topic...until now. Last night, I was speaking with a friend from church who has two daughters ages 14 & 11. Our conversation in addition to others similar to it and my own personal struggles of late have inspired a serious time of soul-searching for me and I have to say, I'm scared of what I've discovered.

In previous posts I have mentioned the most recent of my romantic relationship heartbreaks of which I am still reeling from the effects. Sadly, even after 2 months I'm still dealing with the lack of closure and emotional fragility of the situation. (I have also developed a grave bitterness towards him and men in general which I am attempting to overcome daily.) But during these recent conversations with women that I respect and admire, something has struck a chord within me---Why do I set myself up for disappointment in relationships in spite of knowing that a man cannot fulfill my deepest desires and needs, all the while being fully aware of what's at stake-my fragile heart?

Last weekend, during my east Texas travels I came across a couple cds that I burned from my former roommate and good friend Bri. She stays on top of the music scene (well, the Christian, pop & r&b scenes anyway) and is now living in Nashville. We share similar music interests and she let me rip some upbeat, new songs from her ipod to use during my workouts. Having not heard this collection in 8 months or so I threw it in my cd player in the car and was immediately flooded with memories from summer of 2007-working 2 jobs that I loved, hanging out late with friends, being in long distance love, working out 2 times a day, and being happy overall. Wow-how time changes things! But I digress. The almost-lost point of this story is that on that cd of songs I heard the following:

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I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico

Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way 'cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me.
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face?
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be?
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

No I can't be with you
'Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when its right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
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Unfortunately, I can't claim this as my anthem, YET. But I sing it like it already is and soon it will be and I'll look back on this whole ordeal and say "Thank you, God".

Okay, before I get too distracted again let me state my semi-obvious point: No human being is capable of satisfying my deepest desires and could never supply my innermost needs. And the moment I realize this-and I mean really realize this-is the moment I completely surrender my will and my ways to God. I spend a lot of my time, less now that I live in TX but a lot nonetheless, pleasing people and seeking acceptance from others-family, friends, members of the opposite sex, church members...the list goes on. And don't get me wrong, I love all those people dearly and would not trade my relationships with them for anything. Well, there is one thing-the approval of my heavenly Father. See, all my efforts to make others like me or accept me is futile if I don't use equal (rather, more) effort in pleasing God. He made me-made me-all my quirks, OCD tendencies, strengths and flaws. So why do I find it so hard to understand that He knows the longings and yearnings of my heart-my romance, my career, my ministry, my family (future & present), my relationships, my education-every aspect of my life??? Is it because I am too fearful to release control to Him because I feel He may not come through? For me personally, I think that's the answer. Though I know God has proven Himself more times than I could count and is the Waymaker, for some reason I feel that He may let me down just once. Even though I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is unable to fail. Releasing control...that's my thorn in my flesh.

For far too long, I thought my life would begin when I met my future mate and we began a life together. Yet all the while, my life had already started and I was simply wasting time. So I made the decision to live my life NOW. God didn't make me half a person to only be completed when I meet my "other/better half". He created me whole and with my own individual purpose to complete all by myself. And so today Father, I yield to Your Will, Your Plan, and Your Way. But most of all, I release control to You. Your Ways are higher than my ways, your Thoughts higher than my thoughts. So right now, in this moment, I will rest in the comfort and peace that is Your PERFECT Love.

Gratefully Yours,
~BMy flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

I survived...barely

As much as I would like to write a long, drawn-out description of my weekend-I don't have the time. But here's a short re-cap via list form (which you all know I LOVE)...

*Friday:
~ran home to grab forgotten items
~briefly caught up w/Ash (friend who was supposed to dbl-date w/me & Rich Sat.)
~attended 11 y.o. bday party (luau theme, FABULOUS homemade cake-good job Dustie!, 5 10-12 y.o. screaming girls for less than 2 hours-best birth control EVER, jump rope, stroll around the block-which I considered 1 of my 2 goal workouts, chatting w/Dust & heading home at 9 before I passed out on their couch)
~cleaned everything out of car for trade-in
~convo w/little bro for 30 mins or so
~nails (which turned out horrible)
~bed

*Saturday:
~up at 7:50 (almost an hour later than anticipated but sleep is GOOD)
~Saturn through car wash
~drove to Honda in Frisco (got lost 2x)
~11am-3:30pm bought new car (04 Honda CR-V-beautiful! YAY!)
~11:30am-9pm worst headache EVER!!!
~5pm 12 y.o. bday party
~6pm find out Rich can't make dbl date until 8:30 or 9
~call Ash to tell her about Rich prob
~her date is already at her house
~he gets mad but she comes to Paris anyway
~out to dinner & a little shopping w/Ash
~Rich still wants to come up
~he comes over for an hour-is VERY nervous/uncomfortable
~he & Ash leave
~BED

*Sunday:
(maybe the whole time thing works better for list form too)
~2:15am Woke up w/sore throat feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. Took Tylenol & Allegra (to help w/allergies) and waited forever to fall back asleep
~8:00am Woke up and felt better after having a shower. Did NOT feel like teaching Sunday school or even going to church (as I had my "man voice" and didn't know how I'd be able to sing)
~9:15am Prepared visitor's gifts/packets for revival
~9:45am Taught Sunday School-the kids were manageable for the most part-a little chatty but that's typical
~10:30ish am BLOWOUT revival service w/Pastor Dale Wright of Bristol, TN (who is at the very least a prophet/preacher and is an amazing preacher)
~2:30pm Leave church and head to lunch at TaMolly's
~4:00pm Arrive home w/Gabe and play/watch Nemo for an hour
~5:20pm Leave to go back to church
~6:00pm Begin 2nd revival service of the day (just as incredible, if not more so, than the 1st)
~10:30pm Arrive home w/NO VOICE and have brief convo w/pastor's wife
~11:40pm After checking e-mail, comp updates, etc. take shower
~Midnight Go to bed

And here we are...Monday morning-almost lunch time. I am so excited about revival but NOT excited about losing my voice. I hate when this happens right when I have important stuff going on. But Pastor Wright is such a breath of fresh air. His style is much like that of many services I sat in during my time in Cleveland so it is an encouragement to know that this kind of annointing and flow are still out there. God has already done miraculous things for me (especially my ministry) and many of the people in our church. And I know it's only going to get better!

So this week will be filled w/church, more Mother's Day prep, a visit to Grandmother's over the weekend, getting ready for the church picnic on Sunday, VBS/Sunday School/CE prep, and lots of other things I suppose. I'll update when I can but who knows when that will be... I've already got a list of 6 things to do just on my lunch break today so we'll see how all this goes. Many blessings to you all & know that my prayers are going up for you! We are more than conquerors and are made victorious through our Savior, Jesus Christ!

Blessings,
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

It's 3:26pm on a Friday...

and I am completely exhausted! This has been a looong week and I need sleep! I would love nothing more than to go home, put on my pjs, eat a quick dinner, and fall asleep reading...

But alas, this weekend is not one for rest. In the next 72 hours here's what I'll be doing:
~running home to get the few things I forgot for the below-mentioned party
~attending an 11 year old's sleepover birthday party
~cleaning up my car as much as possible so as to get the best trade-in value on it as possible
~driving to Dallas & driving back (hopefully in a new car-which means dealing w/all of that)
~finishing Sunday School lesson prep
~shopping at Wal-Mart for Sunday School supplies
~going on a double date out of town somewhere (which I've gotta plan)
~teaching Sunday School
~participating in revival which begins on Sunday at our church (which includes 2 services Sunday and 1 service each night Monday through Thursday)
~prepping Mother's Day gifts
~balancing finances
~working out 2 times somewhere amongst all this chaos
~starting the work week over again come Monday morning at 8am

Wow, that list exhausted me even more just by making it. Not to mention I didn't even list eating & sleeping (and I'm not doing much of either lately). There's a lot going on in my life so pray, saints pray! I'll be back at some point unless I collapse from complete depletion...

Blessings to you all,
BB
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

A sign I've been too busy...

Today, when I left my house to go back to work from lunch, a bird flew out from under my front porch roof and I saw where (s)he is building a nest there.


If a bird feels safe enough to nest at my front door, I'm obviously not there enough.

Happy nesting!

~BB
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

Ministry Update

I said I would do better at updating here but in the past week, I honestly haven't had the time or energy. I told my mom last night I feel like I'm living in a whirlwind-getting up at 6:30 every morning to walk, getting ready and going to work from 8-5 (and there's always something I have to get done on my lunch break), doing church work or having meetings in the evenings, and researching cars and church curriculum at night. I haven't been to bed before midnight at all this week and Tuesday it was after 1am. That was the day I had cereal for lunch and chips & salsa for dinner. I've got to start doing better at taking care of myself but I just feel the need to get all this stuff done.

I guess since it's pretty official now, I can share my big news... Last Sunday, my Pastor asked me to be the Christian Education director for our church. Now, that may not sound like much to any of you but to me it is a big deal. Anyone who really knows me, knows it is my dream to be in full-time ministry. When I was younger, I thought that would be missions (foreign, at one time) but as I've grown and gone deeper on my spiritual journey, I've discovered that I am wired for ministry in the local church. I believe I can incorporate missions through this calling since I have a desire to work with the Hispanic population. But this CE position, it is just my cup of tea.

One of my first major undertakings with this new job will be directing my church's VBS this year. I've been involved in teaching and helping with VBS for as long as I can remember (since my dad's been directing it for 20+ years) but directing it is a whole new ballgame. But as I sat on my couch Monday night, browsing potential curriculum, this thought ran through my mind: This is exactly what I'm wired for. I've had jobs in the past that were just that-jobs. They simply paid my bills. Even the insurance job I work now is just a job. The closest job I've had to ministry or any semblance thereof would either be my year at Lee (which, though I may not have fully appreciated it at the time, I absolutely loved) and the summer I spent as assistant director of a daycamp. So as I'm, sitting there looking for the best material for VBS for a church that's only 6 years old and still trying to establish itself positively in the community, I can't help but dream of doing this full-time. It's like putting on your favorite pair of jeans that fit just right in all the right places. This is THE perfect job for me and I'm so excited to start it. (I had my first VBS organizational meeting last night and am excited about the leadership team we've got. They are wonderful ladies!)

In addition to all this, my chat w/Pastor and his wife Tuesday night led to discussion about working for the church-which is my ultimate career goal. I absolutely love the local church and have a desire to do all I can to enhance the ministries that already exist. (This goes for any church I've ever been a part of.) So my next venture, after figuring out how to balance all that I already do (praise team, teaching Sunday school, keeping nursery, helping with ladies' ministry, starting a drama team w/my SS class, and assisting pastor with miscellaneous projects) I plan to investigate what it would take to start a new program at my church. It's under wraps for now but I can honestly say I am MUCHO excited about this one. It would allow me to do what I've always dreamed of doing while also providing time to work for the church as a general assistant and do the work that it takes to do the CE position justice. So I'm in some serious prayer right now about all this and know that if it is God's will, He'll make it happen. I really feel as though these coming months are key to my ministry-this is my launching pad. And I couldn't be more excited about all of the doors God is opening for me.

I may sound overextended (and truth be told, I probably am) but I am loving every minute of it! I do still have a personal life, small as it may be, but it's there. So here we go-another leg of my journey! Of course, more posts will follow but in the meantime, may God bless you all abundantly more than you ever could ask or imagine!

~BB
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26