On Considering Kids

Our 6th wedding anniversary is coming up in August. 6. Years. And as many couples would probably confess, some days it feels like just yesterday I was walking up that aisle to forever join my life to his in that little, chapel in the woods and then others I can't remember not knowing him, a part of him seemingly forever written on my heart.

In 6 years we haven't seen one major fight. Disagreements, yes but full-fledged, shouting-match, I'm-right-you're wrong fights, none. Whenever people learn that about us, I always follow up with a statement about how I'm scared of what Z would be like if he were ever truly angry. I have no idea. He has been upset, frustrated, a little hot under the collar but never at me & since he is such a good compartmentalizer, he's never brought those feelings into our home. I will make no comment as to the state of my emotions. That is not the point (for this post). Let's just say Z is the type of guy that quite seriously has the patience of Job and will likely be one of those that will just completely lose it if/when he ever reaches his limit. (I do have recurring dreams that he is a serial killer-I really need to look that up over at dreamdictionary.org.)

6 years has also excluded one of the most strenuous things our marriage will possibly endure...children. Thanks to extreme caution & a small "Thank You God" each month, we have yet to experience the beauty that is child-rearing. We are most definitely open to it and desire to have children, the timing just hasn't been quite right for us to take the plunge & go for it. Of course, my irrational fears may play in to our lack of offspring as well.

Few things in this world strike terror in me the way the thoughts of being responsible for another human life do. Is that normal? As my tendency to overanalyze, overthink, & over-worry consumes me about things I say or what to cook for dinner, you can only imagine the path of crazy that ensues when I think about raising a child.

*I need to lose weight before I have a child.
*We need to save money before we have kids.
*We need a bigger home before we have kids.
*What will we do about child care?
*Will I become a stay-at-home mom?
*Will Z make enough money for me to be a SAH mom?
*How will we handle household duties with a kid in the mix?
*What if I screw up that precious little baby & he/she needs therapy for the rest of his/her life?
*What if my child requires special attention?
*Am I ready for it to not just be me & Z anymore?
*Will I be ok without any personal time?
*Will we homeschool?
*What if therapy doesn't work & my kid becomes a drug-selling prostitute with a long rap sheet?
And the scariest fear of all...*What if we have twins? (They run in both our families.)

This is a very serious rabbit trail, folks. And I hope I didn't offend anyone with those questions-they are legitimate thoughts I've had in the past few years as my ovaries start screaming we feel the pull become stronger to enlarge our family.

Do all women have these fears? Am I standing alone out on the crazy-pre-children island with wondering about all this? I know that realistically I should trust Jesus & let Him work it all out but let's be honest-it's our genes on the line.

I know we'll move forward with having children. It just may end up that I cause myself a full-on breakdown during pregnancy. Poor Z. At this point, I'm just trying to remember my sister-in-law's advice (who has a 3 year old & 1 on the way): Don't think about it too much or you'll never do it. Thanks, Ali! Here's to having the least traumatized kid on the block!

On Dreaming Again

I started reading a new (to me) book yesterday. It's been sitting in my digital Kindle library for at least a year now patiently waiting for me to pick it from amongst the other 50 on my "To Read" list. Kinda like the book equivalent of picking teams in elementary school kickball. (I was always picked last-musical I was, athletic I most certainly was not.) Quite simply, Jon Acuff's Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job is the kick in the pants I need to start dreaming again. While thus far the book has made me feel completely inadequate about the quality of my life, I've been challenged to dream...and here I am, writing for the first time in over a year.

When I started this blog back in 2008, I was a 24 year old strong, independent, stubborn girl who had just moved to Texas to "chase a pair of pants" (thx Mom) & start a new adventurous chapter of my life. Little did I know that very year I would meet my future husband & embark on an adventure I never saw coming. We stayed in Texas for 3 years after getting married in 2009. I worked my dream job as the assistant director of a charter school until my roots started calling me home & Z and I made our way back east. Truthfully, I was in a very unhealthy state of mind & I believe that move quite literally saved my life. We lived with my parents for 10 months during which I was able to clear my mind, lose 60 pounds (out of 150 that I needed to lose), & reevaluate my outlook on life. I was 29 and 30 seemed to be staring me down to instill the fear of God in me about where I was headed.

By 2013, I had recovered quite a bit and we moved to Asheville, NC. We've loved every minute of calling this eclectic little city 'home'. I compare it to Austin, TX as we have our own bumper stickers that read "Keep Asheville Weird" & if you don't have one of these babies on your car, you better keep on drivin'.

The food scene is localized & diverse, the entertainment scene always draws crowds for both unique & mainstream artists, & the freedom to just be you is not only welcomed but celebrated.

The mountain air, breathtaking views, & slower pace of life have done my heart good-of course, being within a couple of hours of my parents & nephew has too. Especially since his little brother is on his way to us in July and has been dubbed Terry Leroy by big brother. I've evolved quite a bit since I first shared my voice back in '08-my life is far more simple (in countless ways), my priorities are in the right order, I feel more "me" than I ever have in my life. Probably because I understand myself more than I ever have in my life.

Over the past 7 years, I have been the student as life has taught me so much about love, loss, & most importantly-relationships. You see, I fully believe that relationships are 100% the entire reason God created us & put us all on the rotating ball of dirt together. Of utmost importance is my relationship with Him but I truly believe that all of my relationships with every human being I come into contact with are a very direct interaction with the Creator of the universe Himself. My family, friends, coworkers, grocery store clerk, car repairman-we're all created in His likeness and even though not all of my people love Jesus, we're still made like Him.

As a result of these relationships, I've learned more about grace than I ever thought I had a capacity for. Grace for myself-not putting undue pressure to conform or stand out, being secure in who I have been created to be. Grace for my husband-allowing him to be the man God created for me to share my life with and embracing the quirks of our marriage. Grace for my family-seeing our dynamics shift as age creeps upon all of us and loving the roles we play in each others' lives. Grace for my fellow humankind-understanding that because I do not walk in their shoes, I cannot know the full extent of their struggles & thus cannot make generalizations & judgements about their character.

My only hope is that from today, I will not allow the little voices of perfection, self-consciousness, and critique that are in my head to drown out the passion I feel sparked in me. Acuff says in chapter 3 of his book, "90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head." Today I'm going with the 90% & trusting you to have grace for the other 10.

My name is Bethany and I am broken.

Broken for my brothers and sisters who need food.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need warmth.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need love.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need Jesus.

This all started back in November. On my drive to and from work each day I pass at least 5 bus stops and on any given day I will see young men, single moms with children, older citizens-all of whom are just waiting for that ART bus to pull up so they can load it and move on towards their destinations.

When we first moved, it wasn't a big deal. Ok, public transportation is more widely used here than where we lived prior. Good for them-saving the earth and all. I mean, I recycle. After all, Asheville is a green city. When in Rome...

But as the weeks passed, I became increasingly more aware of their presence. The temperatures started to drop and I started to get more uncomfortable with nonchalantly passing them by each day. I'd start praying out loud for them when I passed asking God to keep them safe-hoping that simple act would be enough to help a little. Then there were the days the temps dropped to 0 and below-that one Tuesday where it was -7 but wind chill was -20. And I became as uncomfortable as a person driving by with seat warmers on, coffee in hand could be.

My heart broke a little more with each passing bus stop.

December took me by surprise when I discovered Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I finished it in record time and immediately wanted to give away everything I own. I'm talking clothes, pots and pans, lotions, even cleaning supplies-extreme! That would surely cure my aching heart right?

My husband talked me down and thankfully (I think) I finished that book on our way to Texas for his brother's wedding. Otherwise, I'm not sure what we would have had left when I got through.


But here I am 3 months after those initial cracks started in my heart and I'm stuck. God has been diligently seeking me out, telling me to get outside the box. Take the road less traveled. And so far I've taken a couple steps on that path. I'm sure I'm nowhere near where He'd like me to be. But I'm making progress-be it ever so slight.

And I'm praying He will continue to break my heart a little more each day.

It's the Freakin' Weekend Baby I'm About to Have Me Some Fun

Heyo!

How'd you like that old school R. Kelly reference in the title? Especially since I didn't even know there was remix until I was looking for that link on Youtube. Oops!

Just checking in to see what weekend plans everyone has. I'm excited about this weekend because this little guy comes to spend the night with Aunt B (yes, similar to this lady) tonight.

Most adorable 1 year old EVER!

Nope, no bias here.

So I'll be spending my evening stealing kisses, enjoying his belly laugh when Oscar comes around and taking a stroll through the neighborhood since he is never happier than when he's outside.

In the morning we'll make a stop by the farmer's market to buy beef from the amazing people at Big Oak Farm and then head on to the spray and play park at the local library. After some fun there we'll take him home so he can see his daddy who's been out in CA on a guy's baseball trip for the last week. And while we're in town, we'll make a stop at Trader Joe's & Whole Foods to pick up a few things I've been researching. (Side note: is anyone as upset as me that Whole foods is now planning to coexist with Monsanto???)

Sunday marks Mom & Dad's 40th wedding anniversary but unfortunately they'll be celebrating the day after-since my anniversary brunch got cancelled because of Dad's church duties. That evening after a covered dish dinner, I'm singing at their church service which will be followed by an ice cream social. Yeah, that church loves to eat-but what church doesn't???

Looking forward to a great weekend with some new memories! Anyone have any memories of their own planned?

What a Legacy

Well, I'm back at it. I've decided to hop back in the blogging game & hopefully keep up. Only time will tell I suppose but I'm excited to get back to writing. I'll not spend hours writing a post catching you up on what's been happening in my life but I will say that I am looking forward to the future.

It may be a bit gloomy but I want to take this moment to pause and thank God for a lady who went to heaven to be with Him 2 years ago today-my dear Grandmother.

I remember it vividly as it was a Monday morning and I was so exhausted and not looking forward to going to work that day. I was awoken from sleep around 4am by a phone call from my mother who was staying in the rehab hospital with her that night. Frantic, all she could manage to say was, "They think she's gone."

I remember my adrenaline kicking into high gear as Z & I rushed around and hopped in the car making our way to the hospital. As we pulled in I could see through the back glass of an ambulance with responders performing CPR on a body I would later find out was her. I found my mother with a hospital staff person who was trying to put her shoes on her as she was crying. We rushed out and both climbed into the back seat and Z drove, following the ambulance to the main hospital less than 3 miles away.

I remember pacing in the ER waiting room and knowing what the doctor was going to say before he said a word. Mom broke down momentarily & then tried to compose herself. We made our way into the room where she was waiting, pale and lifeless. I held her hand one last time. I stroked her face one last time. I kissed her cheek one last time.

And in those moments, I understood the meaning of legacy. I understood the sting of death. But I also understood the victory of death. She was with our Lord & Savior-just waiting for Him to fill up her coffee cup and sit down to chat awhile. She couldn't have been happier....

So today, I honor her by working to complete her one request of me-to lose weight. I started in March and have since lost 52 lbs. I have 103 more to go but I am more motivated than ever to meet the goal and make her proud. I will remember the things she taught me & the generosity she shared with me. Not only will her genes live on with me, so will her faithfulness to the Lord-and her love of sweets!

Tomorrow will be a new day with a new post. I promise they won't all be so sentimental (or somewhat morbid) but I wanted to take the chance to memorialize one of the most influential women in my life-this day only comes once a year and it is befitting for me to do so.

Looking forward to walking the journey together! Thanks for reading!

Blessings,