So here it is, 11:08pm as I begin this post and I am not having much luck shutting my body down for the day. Lucky for you readers, I am in a much better frame of mind than I was during my last real post. (And mom, you can still vent to me. You know I like to solve problems so don't get all silent on me now that you think I'm tired of worrying about you.)
Overall, today has been a good day. Work was productive and a potential tiff w/a co-worker was avoided. I got the T-shirts ordered for VBS-well, at least stage one ordered anyway. I also got the final two signs 99% complete for the different stations of VBS and made the copies of the doorhangers and registration forms. I got to chat w/mom for a few-mainly me running my mouth telling stories about my life as of late. Since I've been home, I've eaten dinner and organized some and then tried (unsuccessfully) to get my new Treo phone to the status of my former one that bit the dust last week.
Speaking of, I'm telling you folks, last week was just not my week. I'd love to go into details but I'd love to just forget it ever happened even more. Here's a sentence that sums it up for you though:
After getting 4-5 hours of sleep every night, my phone quit working on Wednesday and I had to talk to 2 different AT&T reps before finally getting one that knew what he was doing all the while taking 15 million calls from the bank that gave me my car loan regarding my payment that I didn't get vouchers for until Tuesday, going to TX State Camp Meeting in Weatherford Thursday and cheering on my Pastor as he received his ordained bishop's license and then having an emotional meltdown Friday after driving back from Weatherford at 5am and then working for 2 hours and finally ending up at my Grandmother's after crying for most of the day and ultimately seeing my mother, taking a nap, getting some rest and taking my mom to the airport just in time to make it back for puppet practice that my kids didn't show for and Saturday Saturation during which I kept nursery for part of the time and finally making it home at 11pm after helping Shannon with some nursing stuff and getting myself unloaded, unpacked and completely exhausted in the bed at 1:30am.
Ok, if that sentence made no sense to you, it didn't to me either but oh well. I think I made myself sleepy just typing that mile long run-on sentence so maybe I better sleep. I'll be in better form tomorrow and look forward to writing (more coherently) then. :)
Blessings,
Bethany
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.
Psalm 71:14
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Utterly exhausted...
***Warning: This is a venting post. If you don't want to hear me whine a little, ok-a lot, read no further. I just need to get a little frustration out.***
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not being able to trust people-even my closest friends. I'm tired of getting home late and staying up later to work. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of all my friends finding love & having kids & me still being single-with absolutely NO prospects. I'm tired of worrying about people I love even though there's nothing I can do. I'm tired of hearing people's problems and carrying the weight of everyone's problems, including my own. I'm tired of people who won't step up and do anything. I'm tired of people who say they'll do stuff and don't. I'm tired of gas prices going up. I'm tired of feeling financially strained. I'm tired of being far away from my family. I'm tired of emotional and mental games. I'm tired of trying to get middle schoolers to listen to me. I'm tired of feeling like I need to sleep for 12 hours just to function. I'm tired of people who think they know everything. I'm tired of followers who ought to be leaders. I'm tired of never feeling like I'm enough. I'm tired of giving 110% for nothing. I'm tired.
Did I mention that I'm tired?
Ok, that's a depressing list but here's the good news. I know that all these things are just temporary. I will feel better. I will have a better perspective on the world probably later today but definitely by the weekend. I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now.
And that's that. Sorry if I depressed you but I guess now you know specifically how to pray. :)
I promise a more uplifting post at some point this week.
Blessings,
Bethany
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.
Psalm 71:14
I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of not being able to trust people-even my closest friends. I'm tired of getting home late and staying up later to work. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of all my friends finding love & having kids & me still being single-with absolutely NO prospects. I'm tired of worrying about people I love even though there's nothing I can do. I'm tired of hearing people's problems and carrying the weight of everyone's problems, including my own. I'm tired of people who won't step up and do anything. I'm tired of people who say they'll do stuff and don't. I'm tired of gas prices going up. I'm tired of feeling financially strained. I'm tired of being far away from my family. I'm tired of emotional and mental games. I'm tired of trying to get middle schoolers to listen to me. I'm tired of feeling like I need to sleep for 12 hours just to function. I'm tired of people who think they know everything. I'm tired of followers who ought to be leaders. I'm tired of never feeling like I'm enough. I'm tired of giving 110% for nothing. I'm tired.
Did I mention that I'm tired?
Ok, that's a depressing list but here's the good news. I know that all these things are just temporary. I will feel better. I will have a better perspective on the world probably later today but definitely by the weekend. I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now.
And that's that. Sorry if I depressed you but I guess now you know specifically how to pray. :)
I promise a more uplifting post at some point this week.
Blessings,
Bethany
But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.
Psalm 71:14
Friday, June 6, 2008
Honestly...
Such was the title of the devotion I shared w/the women at my church's ladies meeting last night. After the past couple weeks completely consumed with VBS prep, Sunday School networking, curriculum research, work training & office stress, & Wednesday night duties, my mind was literally thrown into a frenzy even thinking about speaking to the ladies. What did I have to share w/them? What could I possibly have that would encourage or edify them? Could I even get my mind focused long enough to hear from God???
So I set about Monday to try to capture the heart of God-for Thursday night at least. I was extremely frustrated by Tuesday night when I had made no progress & fear of failure was beginning to set in. Our pastor's wife, who normally leads the meetings, had pretty much left me to my own devices for this one and I knew I had to bring it, for her sake at least. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I finally made some progress and got started on some thoughts. And in the wee hours of Thursday morning, I made more progress. Finally, by noon on Thursday, I knew I had caught what God wanted to speak through me so I set to typing & gathering info. By yesterday evening, I had bought decorations and made our tables a plethora of pink & was ready to "do my thing".
What exactly did I speak about??? Well, in a nutshell, it was all about honesty with God. My fabulous mom sent me an article several months ago by a lady who is single and waiting for God to bring her soulmate to her. In her writing, she talks about feeling like a 5th wheel after her 2 best friends got married. She felt overlooked, like God was failing to meet her need/desire for romance. So one day, she "took off her prayer gloves" and got completely honest with God-telling Him that though He said He could meet her every need, she had this great need for romance that wasn't getting met.
That article changed my prayer life. As I shared w/the ladies last night, I've been "saved" my whole life. And I've been taught to pray. But for the majority of the past almost 20 years of my relationship w/God, I've only prayed prayers that I thought God wanted me to pray. You know which ones I'm talking about-with the eloquent words, the promises of God ("I know you're taking care of me"), the truths I wanted to believe. And those prayers, at times, have been sincere & from my heart. But the problem is that most of the time, they were only from part of my heart-not my whole heart. I only prayed w/the part of me that I felt I could trust God with, the part I felt that He wouldn't reject.
But the honesty of the author of that article changed my view of prayer. See, God created me-quirks, OCD tendencies, flaws and all. He knows me-my thoughts, my words, my actions-even before I think of doing them. So if He knows my inner being (Psalm 139), why do I try to hide things from Him?
Case in point:
When I'm tired of hearing about all my friends getting married & having babies, why do my prayers sound like this:
"God, I trust that you're taking care of bringing my soulmate to me. I know that I just have to be patient and wait for Your timing. I trust You and know that when it does happen, it will be Your will."
instead of this:
"God, what is wrong with me? Why do all my heathen friends get to enjoy the sanctity of marriage and I've been pure and devoted to You and Your work and keep getting the shaft when it comes to relationships? This isn't fair & I'm mad at You for not giving me the desires of my heart. I'm tired of thinking I've found Mr. Right, only to find out he only wants to be Mr. Right Now. My eggs are dry rotting here..."
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now, I know that it doesn't bode well to be mad at God a lot, but I also know that He already knows I'm frustrated and hurting so I may as well just be honest about my emotions. So now, instead of putting on this big, religious show for God when I pray, I talk to Him like I do my mom. I tell Him how angry, hurt, happy, tickled pink, joyful, sorry, sad I feel. I give Him all the gory details of my desires & my dreams. He knows 'em anyway so I guess sometimes, it helps me too just to get it out. I figure I may as well tell Him the truth now than have Him give me a spiritual spanking later. And the thing of it is, now that I am more honest and open with Him, I'm finding that He's a much bigger God than I used to give Him credit for. And regardless of how I feel or what I do or say-He loves me and accepts me not just as I am, but just as I am in Him.
Honestly,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
So I set about Monday to try to capture the heart of God-for Thursday night at least. I was extremely frustrated by Tuesday night when I had made no progress & fear of failure was beginning to set in. Our pastor's wife, who normally leads the meetings, had pretty much left me to my own devices for this one and I knew I had to bring it, for her sake at least. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, I finally made some progress and got started on some thoughts. And in the wee hours of Thursday morning, I made more progress. Finally, by noon on Thursday, I knew I had caught what God wanted to speak through me so I set to typing & gathering info. By yesterday evening, I had bought decorations and made our tables a plethora of pink & was ready to "do my thing".
What exactly did I speak about??? Well, in a nutshell, it was all about honesty with God. My fabulous mom sent me an article several months ago by a lady who is single and waiting for God to bring her soulmate to her. In her writing, she talks about feeling like a 5th wheel after her 2 best friends got married. She felt overlooked, like God was failing to meet her need/desire for romance. So one day, she "took off her prayer gloves" and got completely honest with God-telling Him that though He said He could meet her every need, she had this great need for romance that wasn't getting met.
That article changed my prayer life. As I shared w/the ladies last night, I've been "saved" my whole life. And I've been taught to pray. But for the majority of the past almost 20 years of my relationship w/God, I've only prayed prayers that I thought God wanted me to pray. You know which ones I'm talking about-with the eloquent words, the promises of God ("I know you're taking care of me"), the truths I wanted to believe. And those prayers, at times, have been sincere & from my heart. But the problem is that most of the time, they were only from part of my heart-not my whole heart. I only prayed w/the part of me that I felt I could trust God with, the part I felt that He wouldn't reject.
But the honesty of the author of that article changed my view of prayer. See, God created me-quirks, OCD tendencies, flaws and all. He knows me-my thoughts, my words, my actions-even before I think of doing them. So if He knows my inner being (Psalm 139), why do I try to hide things from Him?
Case in point:
When I'm tired of hearing about all my friends getting married & having babies, why do my prayers sound like this:
"God, I trust that you're taking care of bringing my soulmate to me. I know that I just have to be patient and wait for Your timing. I trust You and know that when it does happen, it will be Your will."
instead of this:
"God, what is wrong with me? Why do all my heathen friends get to enjoy the sanctity of marriage and I've been pure and devoted to You and Your work and keep getting the shaft when it comes to relationships? This isn't fair & I'm mad at You for not giving me the desires of my heart. I'm tired of thinking I've found Mr. Right, only to find out he only wants to be Mr. Right Now. My eggs are dry rotting here..."
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now, I know that it doesn't bode well to be mad at God a lot, but I also know that He already knows I'm frustrated and hurting so I may as well just be honest about my emotions. So now, instead of putting on this big, religious show for God when I pray, I talk to Him like I do my mom. I tell Him how angry, hurt, happy, tickled pink, joyful, sorry, sad I feel. I give Him all the gory details of my desires & my dreams. He knows 'em anyway so I guess sometimes, it helps me too just to get it out. I figure I may as well tell Him the truth now than have Him give me a spiritual spanking later. And the thing of it is, now that I am more honest and open with Him, I'm finding that He's a much bigger God than I used to give Him credit for. And regardless of how I feel or what I do or say-He loves me and accepts me not just as I am, but just as I am in Him.
Honestly,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Something to smile about
Yesterday, while I was walking the nature trail, I was chased by not one but TWO wasps. These are not your regular wasps, they are the ultra-persistent ones that dare to get close enough to touch you but don't sting unless you're still for a long enough period of time.
So, if you need a good smile today, imagine me, power walking, then walking and swatting (and yelling) and then running to escape the killer wasps...
(Thank goodness no one was too close behind me to watch my shorts ride up between my fat thighs as this took place.)
Be blessed,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
So, if you need a good smile today, imagine me, power walking, then walking and swatting (and yelling) and then running to escape the killer wasps...
(Thank goodness no one was too close behind me to watch my shorts ride up between my fat thighs as this took place.)
Be blessed,
Bethany
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Monday, June 2, 2008
I realized yesterday...
that I haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks and not because I'm busy trying to make my next entry perfect either. Honestly, I simply haven't had 5 free minutes in practically 2 weeks. I can't believe I'm saying that and I so desperately want to be able to say "kidding" or even just know that it's a lie in my head but that is the complete truth.
Here's my fave posting format to let you know what all is going on w/me...
*VBS is in less than 4 weeks. Yes, I am freaking out.
*Drama ministry w/the kids is going well-they love to talk but are making improvements.
*Sunday School is better-they love to talk as well but my material is good.
*Wednesday nights are still out of hand (at church regarding teachers) but that is coming together to be fixed soon.
*I attended my first funeral in Paris last week. Such a sad occasion but such a strong family.
*I've ministered to most everybody at work in some way in the past couple weeks. They need Jesus!
*I attended my first training for commercial insurance in Tyler last week. What a trip but it was pretty fun & I passed my test.
*Mom flies in this weekend-I'm excited to see her. It's always good to have a piece of home close by.
*My Grandmother is not doing well (hence, my mom flying in) so I'm a little worried about her. I think she's just tired though-ready to go home.
*Mom also had a major breakthrough at work this past weekend. PTL!!!
*All kinds of drama broke out at church w/in the past week-Satan is rearing his ugly head but praise God, the enemy is defeated! We are victorious! In the end, WE WIN!
*We're starting Saturday Saturation at church-a service that will focus on just seeking God and His presence. I'm excited but also know I better get myself together before they start or I will fall apart.
*I'm meeting a guy Pastor wants to introduce me to next week at camp meeting. I'm excited but more excited for Pastor b/c he's getting his ordained bishop's license.
*I'm speaking at our church's ladies' mtg Thursday-should be interesting.
*Our worship team at church is starting to have practices so we can learn new material. Pastor's also wanting to start an ensemble so I'm sure that will be an adventure.
*I stay tired-a lot. I don't think I can fully de-stress or sleep well b/c of all the things my mind is constantly thinking about. Gotta work on letting go & making me time.
*I did make me time Saturday at the Paris pool. Let's suffice it to say, I could now be the hot magenta crayon in the Crayola box. :) Ah well, live & learn.
That's all I've got time for now. More later...sometime...when I can breathe...
Be blessed!
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
Here's my fave posting format to let you know what all is going on w/me...
*VBS is in less than 4 weeks. Yes, I am freaking out.
*Drama ministry w/the kids is going well-they love to talk but are making improvements.
*Sunday School is better-they love to talk as well but my material is good.
*Wednesday nights are still out of hand (at church regarding teachers) but that is coming together to be fixed soon.
*I attended my first funeral in Paris last week. Such a sad occasion but such a strong family.
*I've ministered to most everybody at work in some way in the past couple weeks. They need Jesus!
*I attended my first training for commercial insurance in Tyler last week. What a trip but it was pretty fun & I passed my test.
*Mom flies in this weekend-I'm excited to see her. It's always good to have a piece of home close by.
*My Grandmother is not doing well (hence, my mom flying in) so I'm a little worried about her. I think she's just tired though-ready to go home.
*Mom also had a major breakthrough at work this past weekend. PTL!!!
*All kinds of drama broke out at church w/in the past week-Satan is rearing his ugly head but praise God, the enemy is defeated! We are victorious! In the end, WE WIN!
*We're starting Saturday Saturation at church-a service that will focus on just seeking God and His presence. I'm excited but also know I better get myself together before they start or I will fall apart.
*I'm meeting a guy Pastor wants to introduce me to next week at camp meeting. I'm excited but more excited for Pastor b/c he's getting his ordained bishop's license.
*I'm speaking at our church's ladies' mtg Thursday-should be interesting.
*Our worship team at church is starting to have practices so we can learn new material. Pastor's also wanting to start an ensemble so I'm sure that will be an adventure.
*I stay tired-a lot. I don't think I can fully de-stress or sleep well b/c of all the things my mind is constantly thinking about. Gotta work on letting go & making me time.
*I did make me time Saturday at the Paris pool. Let's suffice it to say, I could now be the hot magenta crayon in the Crayola box. :) Ah well, live & learn.
That's all I've got time for now. More later...sometime...when I can breathe...
Be blessed!
~B
My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26
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