Describe 3 moments from the holidays that you wish to remember.

1. Z & I stayed at the Village Hotel at the Biltmore during Christmas week. It was an incredible experience & I am so glad we did. We wandered Antler Village & the winery before dinner at Cedric's Tavern & a romantic night in our rustic modern room. We had a delicious breakfast at The Inn (Belgian waffles) and then wandered the area around the house. It was a great time with special memories!

2. Christmas dinner was special since all of my family was together. Even with my 4.5 month old nephew's fussiness, it was nice for all of us to be there and spend the night at Mom & Dad's. We shared lots of laughs after dinner & Henry kept us all busy with toys, painting, & Transformers.

3. New Year's Eve was fun since we have kind of started the tradition (2 years now) of Mom & Dad coming to Asheville. We had dinner at Tupelo Honey and played dominoes while enjoying a bellini bar. We watched the ball drop but didn't see it (thanks to the networks) and I shared a kiss with my love.

What are some of your most cherished holiday memories?

The struggle is real y'all.

As I sit here with The Bachelorette Finale in the background (only 1/2 watching since I totally read the spoilers early in the season), I gotta say it's pure chaos to be up in my brain these days. I am ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. 99% of the time I feel 50 shades of crazy. Not in the I'm-gonna-break-bad way but in the who-the-heck-am-I do-I-even-know-myself-anymore way. Anybody feelin' that?

Unfortunately, I have no idea what to attribute this to. The past few months just seem to have me on a downward spiral into myself. In the past 6-8 weeks, I've learned more about who I am and what makes me tick that I know how to process. It's so weird to be 31 and still having such grand self-realizations. In some ways I resent it because HELLO! I could have been such a better daughter, sister, & friend with this info. So hopefully I'll use it going forward to be all of those things as well as the most important-a better wife.

Just to spell it out a bit, here's a few of the lightbulb moments I've had lately...

   7. I'm an ISFJ on the Myers-Briggs spectrum. Seriously!?!?!? Introverted????? Never in a million years would I have guessed that about myself-until a year ago or so. While I have no idea what shifted, I am thankful that the shift I felt in my personality is justified-even through a free online test. The rest of the type description is fairly spot-on as well although reading about yourself can cause some major resentment as well as Aha! moments.

   3. I've been pretty down on myself the past few weeks. I believe my lament to my husband is "I'm fat. I feel lazy.* I have no friends. I'm doing nothing with my life.**" No I'm not depressed-well, maybe situationally-but moreso, Z & I are in a transitional season of life right now. We left our last ministry position 6 months ago & since that was all I'd ever known in our marriage, I've been left feeling a little bit like the rug's been pulled out from under me. Not that I want to go back to ministry-we may circle back to that point a little later. But I am a person who (bad for me) finds my identity in what I do or my job, and while I may still be employed by a church, I am definitely not in the same position as when we were serving. And since serving & helping is my language (thanks enneagram!), I'm lost. I also am slow to develop relationships as it is so not having a very big social circle has really thrown me for a loop. I used to always just rely on my church circle so I'm resentfully learning that I will have to be more intentional in developing friends.

(Not to worry-we've found a church we're planning to plug in to as soon as we can get Z's work transition somewhat settled.)

   1. One of my very best friends who I've known for 15 years deserves a BIG OL' APOLOGY. He doesn't read this blog but I hope to have this conversation with him in person sometime. Basically, I was a manipulate b!^*$ to him for a good portion of our high school & college years. Now that I know it's because I wasn't feeling appreciated (Type 9, need I say more?), I feel like a complete jerk. Suffice it to say that I think we should give high schoolers these tests so that they start out their grown-up lives with a better understanding of themselves.

These are just a FEW things I am working through and trying to process to improve myself. The only reason I am okay with realizing all these things in my 30s is because I am in my 30s-a time in my life that I am most comfortable and accepting of who I am. So yeah, I'll take it.

All this has me in my head a lot but I wanted to write out some of it here-mainly because I don't have many readers & maybe someone will stumble across it and be encouraged as they process who it is they truly are.

*I am overweight but am definitely working on it. Feel healthier now than I have in a long while.
**I have done a lot with my life. I am in a relaxed season, learning some things (see entire above post) so I'm trying to be ok with that. And God's working on nudging me towards some things He wants me to do.

So, any of my 3 readers struggling with figuring yourself out & being ok with what you find? If you have any other personality type info or websites, feel free to share!

On Considering Kids

Our 6th wedding anniversary is coming up in August. 6. Years. And as many couples would probably confess, some days it feels like just yesterday I was walking up that aisle to forever join my life to his in that little, chapel in the woods and then others I can't remember not knowing him, a part of him seemingly forever written on my heart.

In 6 years we haven't seen one major fight. Disagreements, yes but full-fledged, shouting-match, I'm-right-you're wrong fights, none. Whenever people learn that about us, I always follow up with a statement about how I'm scared of what Z would be like if he were ever truly angry. I have no idea. He has been upset, frustrated, a little hot under the collar but never at me & since he is such a good compartmentalizer, he's never brought those feelings into our home. I will make no comment as to the state of my emotions. That is not the point (for this post). Let's just say Z is the type of guy that quite seriously has the patience of Job and will likely be one of those that will just completely lose it if/when he ever reaches his limit. (I do have recurring dreams that he is a serial killer-I really need to look that up over at dreamdictionary.org.)

6 years has also excluded one of the most strenuous things our marriage will possibly endure...children. Thanks to extreme caution & a small "Thank You God" each month, we have yet to experience the beauty that is child-rearing. We are most definitely open to it and desire to have children, the timing just hasn't been quite right for us to take the plunge & go for it. Of course, my irrational fears may play in to our lack of offspring as well.

Few things in this world strike terror in me the way the thoughts of being responsible for another human life do. Is that normal? As my tendency to overanalyze, overthink, & over-worry consumes me about things I say or what to cook for dinner, you can only imagine the path of crazy that ensues when I think about raising a child.

*I need to lose weight before I have a child.
*We need to save money before we have kids.
*We need a bigger home before we have kids.
*What will we do about child care?
*Will I become a stay-at-home mom?
*Will Z make enough money for me to be a SAH mom?
*How will we handle household duties with a kid in the mix?
*What if I screw up that precious little baby & he/she needs therapy for the rest of his/her life?
*What if my child requires special attention?
*Am I ready for it to not just be me & Z anymore?
*Will I be ok without any personal time?
*Will we homeschool?
*What if therapy doesn't work & my kid becomes a drug-selling prostitute with a long rap sheet?
And the scariest fear of all...*What if we have twins? (They run in both our families.)

This is a very serious rabbit trail, folks. And I hope I didn't offend anyone with those questions-they are legitimate thoughts I've had in the past few years as my ovaries start screaming we feel the pull become stronger to enlarge our family.

Do all women have these fears? Am I standing alone out on the crazy-pre-children island with wondering about all this? I know that realistically I should trust Jesus & let Him work it all out but let's be honest-it's our genes on the line.

I know we'll move forward with having children. It just may end up that I cause myself a full-on breakdown during pregnancy. Poor Z. At this point, I'm just trying to remember my sister-in-law's advice (who has a 3 year old & 1 on the way): Don't think about it too much or you'll never do it. Thanks, Ali! Here's to having the least traumatized kid on the block!

On Dreaming Again

I started reading a new (to me) book yesterday. It's been sitting in my digital Kindle library for at least a year now patiently waiting for me to pick it from amongst the other 50 on my "To Read" list. Kinda like the book equivalent of picking teams in elementary school kickball. (I was always picked last-musical I was, athletic I most certainly was not.) Quite simply, Jon Acuff's Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job is the kick in the pants I need to start dreaming again. While thus far the book has made me feel completely inadequate about the quality of my life, I've been challenged to dream...and here I am, writing for the first time in over a year.

When I started this blog back in 2008, I was a 24 year old strong, independent, stubborn girl who had just moved to Texas to "chase a pair of pants" (thx Mom) & start a new adventurous chapter of my life. Little did I know that very year I would meet my future husband & embark on an adventure I never saw coming. We stayed in Texas for 3 years after getting married in 2009. I worked my dream job as the assistant director of a charter school until my roots started calling me home & Z and I made our way back east. Truthfully, I was in a very unhealthy state of mind & I believe that move quite literally saved my life. We lived with my parents for 10 months during which I was able to clear my mind, lose 60 pounds (out of 150 that I needed to lose), & reevaluate my outlook on life. I was 29 and 30 seemed to be staring me down to instill the fear of God in me about where I was headed.

By 2013, I had recovered quite a bit and we moved to Asheville, NC. We've loved every minute of calling this eclectic little city 'home'. I compare it to Austin, TX as we have our own bumper stickers that read "Keep Asheville Weird" & if you don't have one of these babies on your car, you better keep on drivin'.

The food scene is localized & diverse, the entertainment scene always draws crowds for both unique & mainstream artists, & the freedom to just be you is not only welcomed but celebrated.

The mountain air, breathtaking views, & slower pace of life have done my heart good-of course, being within a couple of hours of my parents & nephew has too. Especially since his little brother is on his way to us in July and has been dubbed Terry Leroy by big brother. I've evolved quite a bit since I first shared my voice back in '08-my life is far more simple (in countless ways), my priorities are in the right order, I feel more "me" than I ever have in my life. Probably because I understand myself more than I ever have in my life.

Over the past 7 years, I have been the student as life has taught me so much about love, loss, & most importantly-relationships. You see, I fully believe that relationships are 100% the entire reason God created us & put us all on the rotating ball of dirt together. Of utmost importance is my relationship with Him but I truly believe that all of my relationships with every human being I come into contact with are a very direct interaction with the Creator of the universe Himself. My family, friends, coworkers, grocery store clerk, car repairman-we're all created in His likeness and even though not all of my people love Jesus, we're still made like Him.

As a result of these relationships, I've learned more about grace than I ever thought I had a capacity for. Grace for myself-not putting undue pressure to conform or stand out, being secure in who I have been created to be. Grace for my husband-allowing him to be the man God created for me to share my life with and embracing the quirks of our marriage. Grace for my family-seeing our dynamics shift as age creeps upon all of us and loving the roles we play in each others' lives. Grace for my fellow humankind-understanding that because I do not walk in their shoes, I cannot know the full extent of their struggles & thus cannot make generalizations & judgements about their character.

My only hope is that from today, I will not allow the little voices of perfection, self-consciousness, and critique that are in my head to drown out the passion I feel sparked in me. Acuff says in chapter 3 of his book, "90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head." Today I'm going with the 90% & trusting you to have grace for the other 10.

My name is Bethany and I am broken.

Broken for my brothers and sisters who need food.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need warmth.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need love.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need Jesus.

This all started back in November. On my drive to and from work each day I pass at least 5 bus stops and on any given day I will see young men, single moms with children, older citizens-all of whom are just waiting for that ART bus to pull up so they can load it and move on towards their destinations.

When we first moved, it wasn't a big deal. Ok, public transportation is more widely used here than where we lived prior. Good for them-saving the earth and all. I mean, I recycle. After all, Asheville is a green city. When in Rome...

But as the weeks passed, I became increasingly more aware of their presence. The temperatures started to drop and I started to get more uncomfortable with nonchalantly passing them by each day. I'd start praying out loud for them when I passed asking God to keep them safe-hoping that simple act would be enough to help a little. Then there were the days the temps dropped to 0 and below-that one Tuesday where it was -7 but wind chill was -20. And I became as uncomfortable as a person driving by with seat warmers on, coffee in hand could be.

My heart broke a little more with each passing bus stop.

December took me by surprise when I discovered Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I finished it in record time and immediately wanted to give away everything I own. I'm talking clothes, pots and pans, lotions, even cleaning supplies-extreme! That would surely cure my aching heart right?

My husband talked me down and thankfully (I think) I finished that book on our way to Texas for his brother's wedding. Otherwise, I'm not sure what we would have had left when I got through.


But here I am 3 months after those initial cracks started in my heart and I'm stuck. God has been diligently seeking me out, telling me to get outside the box. Take the road less traveled. And so far I've taken a couple steps on that path. I'm sure I'm nowhere near where He'd like me to be. But I'm making progress-be it ever so slight.

And I'm praying He will continue to break my heart a little more each day.