Yes, it's taken me over a week to post again (regardless of the time/date stamp on this one-I've been writing since then). But here's another semi-revelation from yours truly :)
This one's based on a very common, seemingly insignificant occurrence but I hope your heart will see the valuable lesson to be learned and perhaps change your thought process as it has mine.
Every day on my way to work, I pass First Christian Church of Paris that appears to be somewhat prominent in the community and seems to have been established for quite a while. Back before Christmas, this church decided that it was time to update their church sign, which at the time was two simple metal poles sticking out of the ground with the metal sign hanging between them. The day this project began, I saw 2 men-1 obviously the contractor hired to do the job and the other the pastor perhaps-on the site with a truckload of cement blocks/bricks and the tools necessary for mortar and bricklaying. "Oh good", I thought, "This shouldn't take long-maybe a couple of days. Just long enough to build a small, yet stately sign to improve the overall aesthetics of the church." On my way home that day I checked the location to see the base for the sign looking complete and ready for the sides and later the top. So I assumed it would be finished the next day or day after that at the latest. Shortly after 5pm on day 2 I drove by to see that a few more steps had been taken but with no end in sight. And again on day 3, there was still no sign of being near the end. After a week and a half of driving by and checking progress each time, I gave up hope that this seemingly small project would be finished anytime soon as each day I didn't see any more evidence that more work had been done.
These observations have been ongoing for the past six weeks or so and a couple of weeks ago I saw why the contractor had been taking so much longer than I thought he needed. It was at this point that I saw not only the center brick structure for the sign but the contractor had also built two square columns on either side of that stand that added even more prominence to the sign. I'm sure the pastor of the church or whomever was placed over this project had instructed the worker to build those columns, they were just unexpected from an observer's point of view. And just this week, work has been completed. The simple, old sign still stands in close proximity to the new, stately one that matches the brick of the church but it almost fades in view of the recent addition.
Why is this such a significant chain of events? I do have a point-as usual. You see, as I continued to observe the careful actions taken by the contractor during this process, I noticed that not only did he do a beautiful job on the construction and completion of the sign, he also paid close attention to detail. He placed the bricks perfectly and also gave the mortar ample time to dry. This whole ordeal may seem insignificant to our "Name It & Claim It", "Blab It & Grab It" society but I'd like to share with you the spiritual implications that I noticed as I took the time to ponder the process.
In my spiritual mind, the contractor is played by the Holy Spirit, me and my life are represented by the bricks and mortar and the pastor (or whomever initiated the project) is God. In His almighty omniscience, God has a vision and plan for what my life will look like and who I will become over time. He uses His presence here on earth, the Holy Spirit, to lead and guide me as I journey through life making decisions and building myself and my past into the creation He intended. He can take a seemingly ugly pile of dirt and grass (me), combine it with the bricks and mortar of my life and create something beautiful that will stand firm and stately, declaring His glory. Ok, that part may not be too much of a stretch of the imagination. But I also noticed as this project developed, that so often we think we have finally figured God out-that we know our purpose in life and He must be finished with us. And just like I thought that the sign should have been completed after just the simple center stand was done, sometimes we humans get impatient and feel that God must be finished teaching us a lesson or that our destination has been reached. But in all actuality, God has something far more beautiful in mind for us. And He works through the Holy Spirit, just like that contractor did, to add even more beauty to an already beautiful person. Though He works continuously, there are times when He seems silent and we feel alone. But I'm learning that those moments should be relished because it is in those times that He allows the lessons we are learning to sink in and "dry" like the mortar. Even in my own life, I am amazed at the situations and things that I think are just right until God takes His master hands and perfects them into more beautifully perfect creations. And while this process is sometimes painful and hard to endure, the finished product is far beyond worth the pain and hurt and I am so thankful that God loves me enough to continue to cleanse, prune and improve me. None of us, especially me, is worthy of such goodness and faithfulness but in His vast wisdom and unending love, our God sees the desires of our hearts as we submit ourselves to Him. And He leads us along the path of His perfect will as we allow Him to be the Lord of the dance of our lives.
So be encouraged-just when you think all is said and done.....it's not. Be patient with others-you never know where they are in the process. He's still working on them just as He is you. And be open to the Master's hands-there's something more beautiful in the making and personally, I can't wait to see what it is!
Blessings,
Bethany
Ecclesiastes 3:11
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Don't Get A Clue
After a brief hiatus, I'm back!
For some reason, this blank screen intimidates me. I love to write but I want so badly for what I say to be relevant, to have some meaning to someone. The thought of sharing my innermost thoughts or "baring my soul to the world" (as my mom termed it) is a bit scary. But I know that God is continually working on me and giving me new insights on my life, my relationships, Him and I'm excited to share.
For some reason, this blank screen intimidates me. I love to write but I want so badly for what I say to be relevant, to have some meaning to someone. The thought of sharing my innermost thoughts or "baring my soul to the world" (as my mom termed it) is a bit scary. But I know that God is continually working on me and giving me new insights on my life, my relationships, Him and I'm excited to share.
So I use a lot of media examples in my blog and tonight is no different. ER (one of my faves) is about to go off and there was just a scene in which Dr. Pratt is consoling a former doctor who used to inject the medicines involved with lethal injection. After an intense fight with the hospital chaplain, the doctor is uncontrollably angry because of the past 'murders' he has committed and all he can say is "It doesn't make sense". Pratt responds, "It doesn't have to make sense-that's why it's called faith".
My first thought after Pratt spoke those words was "WOW-what a profound statement!" Yes, it's a statement that I've heard over and over during the course of my life but I never thought of the impact a lack of faith has on an unbeliever in this way. This man is hurting, deeply and he has nowhere to turn. We as Christians, though we may not always believe it 100%, have placed our faith in God and somehow have a peace in knowing that all things are working together for our good according to Romans 8:28. We believe that our lives have purpose and that God created us as part of the grand scheme of His plan. We believe that we are perfectly formed and that our lives matter. We believe that though we are here on earth now, we are simply strangers to this world awaiting a greater day when we will live eternally with Jesus in heaven, a place with no sorrow, no sickness, and no death. For these reasons, we have hope. Hope that God can use us no matter how many times we mess up. Hope that life does get better than what we're experiencing now. Hope that our faith and the actions spurned from it will mean reward for us later.
So now that we know what believers put their faith in, what exactly do unbelievers have to hope for? Many chase after success that will vanish within a few years when they die. Some chase after love that will only leave them broken and empty when it's over. There are some who run towards financial prosperity which can't buy joy and others who are looking for acceptance from a cold, harsh world. And none of these desires will ever be realized until they find the One who placed those voids in them. Only God can raise us up to be leaders in a world where the devil has so much control. Only He can fill that God-shaped void in our hearts that longs to be filled so that we can love others. Only He can provide for us even when all we see is a negative bank account. And only He will love, forgive and accept us just as we are and then mold us into the creation we are intended to be.
Life without God doesn't make sense. We can spend our whole lives running from place to place searching for all the things our flesh desires. And at the end of the day, all we have is what we were able to accomplish in our own strength. But God in His infinite power is able to do so much more. Living that pointless life can be tiring, stressful, and hopeless. And as a friend recently said, "If we (Christians) don't have hope, we're no different from the world". Thankfully, we can have the hope that Christ in us can fulfill all the longings of our heart. The world has no such hope, they are without hope, hopeless. And what a disappointing and depressing way to live-to walk aimlessly, with no purpose. I just don't see myself being very successful at such a life, which is perhaps why God allowed me to be raised in the faith.
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I wrote the above on the date this says it was posted. However, it's January 22 today and I've had some new revelations concerning the above topic. As I was driving to and from my Grandmother's this weekend, I had some serious Jesus time. Spiritually, things have been on the up & up for me lately but there were some corners covered with cobwebs that I really needed to clean out. And since I've been fasting playing any music in my car, those 5 hours were a perfect time to come clean with Jesus-which is exactly what I did. I just laid it all out there-all of my desires, my mistakes, my struggles. I left no stone unturned and when I got home, I felt like a gigantic weight that I'd been carrying for a looong time had been lifted. It's amazing to me how time spent with the Almighty will do that. Anyway, during that time I sang, talked, prayed and just had intimate fellowship with my Creator. And I declared that even though much of my life didn't make sense, I would continue to cling to my faith.
Sunday morning came too early but I felt ready for church and set my sights on truly experiencing God and loving those in my church. The message my pastor delivered about the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life was phenomenal. It completely reiterated everything I had felt the night before and I felt assurance in such confirmation. I spent Sunday afternoon at lunch with my adopted families here and then working out with one of the girls' in our youth group. It was a welcome change from my usual Sunday afternoon tv/nap session and I was excited to see Sunday night's service come. I spent time in prayer before service and really felt God's power during praise & worship. All I could think was, "Wow, God! It doesn't get any better than this!". And then it did. As our pastor delivered another powerful & truly relevant message regarding Killing Our Kids' Kings (protecting our children/youth & teaching them how to protect themselves from the enemy as they grow), I contemplated the state of my life.
Now any of you who have known me for any length of time known that I like, no have, to have things planned out. I can be spontaneous but for the most part, I love to organize and plan my life or anyone's who will let me. So as I pondered my current state of affairs and how I came from the grand and glorious foothills and mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee to relocate myself to this little, country cowboy-land, I realized that not many of the significant changes in my life has made sense. To leave the safe haven of the Southern Baptist church that I was raised in and go to a tiny pentecostal, charismatic Church of God that I knew nothing about... To leave the prominent, ivy league school close to home where I started my studies and go to a Church of God school that I visited once and was 6 hours from home... To leave a great job and a comfortable home in a growing city and move to a tiny, cowboy/redneck town... I don't get it. And that's when God spoke to me-sitting on the front row of the far right side of our sanctuary- If our lives and all the events in them made sense to us, where would God fit? If we understood everything, why should we have faith? Seriously, think about it: If all the experiences in my life made sense to me (being the analyst that I am), I could claim that I worked my life out in my own power. I could say that I accomplished great things and that I did all of these grand things during my time on earth. But since it'd doesn't and we can't (make sense and understand), I have to give all glory to God when the pieces start to fit together. He alone causes all of the unrelated situations that are a part of my journey to be pieced together into the tapestry that is my life. Now forgive me for "stealing" this thought if you've heard it before-I hadn't so I'm claiming it as my own for now. And for now, this is one of the GREATEST revelations that I've had in quite a while. You see, this realization allows me the freedom and peace to let go of trying to make sense out of everything. I can stop attempting to answer the questions I have about my purpose and my life and I can quit using my finite little brain to advance my futile attempts to comprehend the vast God I serve. I don't have to have all the answers! All I have to do is trust Him and know that in the end, it will all come together and not one tiny, seemingly insignificant piece will be missing.
So today, I rest with peace of mind knowing that it's ok for me to not have a clue...God's got it under control!
So now that we know what believers put their faith in, what exactly do unbelievers have to hope for? Many chase after success that will vanish within a few years when they die. Some chase after love that will only leave them broken and empty when it's over. There are some who run towards financial prosperity which can't buy joy and others who are looking for acceptance from a cold, harsh world. And none of these desires will ever be realized until they find the One who placed those voids in them. Only God can raise us up to be leaders in a world where the devil has so much control. Only He can fill that God-shaped void in our hearts that longs to be filled so that we can love others. Only He can provide for us even when all we see is a negative bank account. And only He will love, forgive and accept us just as we are and then mold us into the creation we are intended to be.
Life without God doesn't make sense. We can spend our whole lives running from place to place searching for all the things our flesh desires. And at the end of the day, all we have is what we were able to accomplish in our own strength. But God in His infinite power is able to do so much more. Living that pointless life can be tiring, stressful, and hopeless. And as a friend recently said, "If we (Christians) don't have hope, we're no different from the world". Thankfully, we can have the hope that Christ in us can fulfill all the longings of our heart. The world has no such hope, they are without hope, hopeless. And what a disappointing and depressing way to live-to walk aimlessly, with no purpose. I just don't see myself being very successful at such a life, which is perhaps why God allowed me to be raised in the faith.
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I wrote the above on the date this says it was posted. However, it's January 22 today and I've had some new revelations concerning the above topic. As I was driving to and from my Grandmother's this weekend, I had some serious Jesus time. Spiritually, things have been on the up & up for me lately but there were some corners covered with cobwebs that I really needed to clean out. And since I've been fasting playing any music in my car, those 5 hours were a perfect time to come clean with Jesus-which is exactly what I did. I just laid it all out there-all of my desires, my mistakes, my struggles. I left no stone unturned and when I got home, I felt like a gigantic weight that I'd been carrying for a looong time had been lifted. It's amazing to me how time spent with the Almighty will do that. Anyway, during that time I sang, talked, prayed and just had intimate fellowship with my Creator. And I declared that even though much of my life didn't make sense, I would continue to cling to my faith.
Sunday morning came too early but I felt ready for church and set my sights on truly experiencing God and loving those in my church. The message my pastor delivered about the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life was phenomenal. It completely reiterated everything I had felt the night before and I felt assurance in such confirmation. I spent Sunday afternoon at lunch with my adopted families here and then working out with one of the girls' in our youth group. It was a welcome change from my usual Sunday afternoon tv/nap session and I was excited to see Sunday night's service come. I spent time in prayer before service and really felt God's power during praise & worship. All I could think was, "Wow, God! It doesn't get any better than this!". And then it did. As our pastor delivered another powerful & truly relevant message regarding Killing Our Kids' Kings (protecting our children/youth & teaching them how to protect themselves from the enemy as they grow), I contemplated the state of my life.
Now any of you who have known me for any length of time known that I like, no have, to have things planned out. I can be spontaneous but for the most part, I love to organize and plan my life or anyone's who will let me. So as I pondered my current state of affairs and how I came from the grand and glorious foothills and mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee to relocate myself to this little, country cowboy-land, I realized that not many of the significant changes in my life has made sense. To leave the safe haven of the Southern Baptist church that I was raised in and go to a tiny pentecostal, charismatic Church of God that I knew nothing about... To leave the prominent, ivy league school close to home where I started my studies and go to a Church of God school that I visited once and was 6 hours from home... To leave a great job and a comfortable home in a growing city and move to a tiny, cowboy/redneck town... I don't get it. And that's when God spoke to me-sitting on the front row of the far right side of our sanctuary- If our lives and all the events in them made sense to us, where would God fit? If we understood everything, why should we have faith? Seriously, think about it: If all the experiences in my life made sense to me (being the analyst that I am), I could claim that I worked my life out in my own power. I could say that I accomplished great things and that I did all of these grand things during my time on earth. But since it'd doesn't and we can't (make sense and understand), I have to give all glory to God when the pieces start to fit together. He alone causes all of the unrelated situations that are a part of my journey to be pieced together into the tapestry that is my life. Now forgive me for "stealing" this thought if you've heard it before-I hadn't so I'm claiming it as my own for now. And for now, this is one of the GREATEST revelations that I've had in quite a while. You see, this realization allows me the freedom and peace to let go of trying to make sense out of everything. I can stop attempting to answer the questions I have about my purpose and my life and I can quit using my finite little brain to advance my futile attempts to comprehend the vast God I serve. I don't have to have all the answers! All I have to do is trust Him and know that in the end, it will all come together and not one tiny, seemingly insignificant piece will be missing.
So today, I rest with peace of mind knowing that it's ok for me to not have a clue...God's got it under control!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Blank
I don't really feel like blogging tonight. There's a lot on my mind but nothing that I want to share. I'm full of questions tonight-for other people, for God, for myself. When does life get easier??? Of course, what could I expect? I finally start sacrificing and hearing from God and the devil torments stronger than ever. But I'm determined to learn whatever lessons God has for me now-I want to make the most of this time I have with just me and Him. So I think I'll go do that-spend some time reading His book and talking to Him. Perhaps I'll be more insightful tomorrow...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
The Song of the Spirit
Move In Me by Michael W. Smith I am only human Struggling to find Confidence in all that I believe You are only holy You are love defined And you have said to ask and I’ll recieve So I have come to pray That you will come and fill The hunger here inside me to grow Stronger in the faith There’s a longing and a need To have you ever closer Come fill me Cause when you move in me It’s like a symphony The timeless melody That soothes my soul Though silent I can tell That you’re alive and well Cause I can feel you move In me What they try to tell me Is that your love is false What they try to tell me Is that your is false And faith is just a way I choose to feel And that there was no meaning To you upon the cross And I should reach for something that is real And when those words are said The questions in me start And I don’t have any answers Until I stop thinking with my head And start listening to my heart And there I find my assurance I tell them Cause when you move in me It’s like a symphony The timeless melody That soothes my soul Though silent I can tell That you’re alive and well Cause I can feel you move In me ----------------------------------------------------------------------------I know I've posted quite a few songs lately but this one really struck me today (as it played on my AOL XM radio of course). This morning was a bit of a downer just because I let my guard down and became distracted by work and my current situation (and being tired didn't help). I got some disturbing news on my lunch break that caused me even more frustration and I was beginning to get angry. So often I feel like I have question after question for God and it would be so much easier if He would just call me or send me a tangible sign with the answers.
But I decided to encourage myself-as we Pentecostals call it-and pray and move on. So I had some Jesus time driving back to work and just poured out my heart to Him (as I'm sure other drivers amused themselves with my abnormal behavior). Immediately I began to feel more positive, like a weight had been lifted from me. When I got back to work, I had some extra time so I sat in my car and took a few minutes to read my Bible. Genesis 12 was part of my reading for today when God speaks to Abram and instructs him to leave his home land and move to the place He would reveal. The story goes something like this:
1 The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.
2 "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
3 I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."
Now to the ordinary person, these verses may not mean much. Sure, Abram had faith to just leave his home and trust that God would provide and then he would be really blessed. But to me, these words are my life. Before I came to Texas, I prayed fervently for God to confirm this was what He wanted for me. Why would anyone in their right mind give up a good job, close proximity to family, a great group of friends to move somewhere 700 miles away where they don't know anybody, don't have a job or place to live and are basically all alone?
I'll tell you why-because that's what God told me to do. Was it an easy decision even though I knew God had spoken it to me? No. Has it been a leisurely walk in the park? No. Does it make sense even after 4 1/2 months? No. But that's the awesome thing about God-someday it all will come together and I'll see how every piece of the puzzle of my life was put into place according to His perfect plan. And while that is so much easier to say than to believe, somewhere in my heart and soul, I have peace. Which is where the above song comes in-that line in bold about listening to my heart and not thinking with my head is so me. As I've expressed in recent postings, it takes me a while to connect what my head knows and what my heart feels. It takes me even longer to surrender what I think and what makes sense to what I feel and what is true since I am such a type A. That part of my personality is still a work in progress and probably will be for quite a while. My only prayer is that my life be a blessing to others as Abram's was promised to be. That would be the best reward to come from my life-that others see Jesus in me and seek Him as a result.
For now, I'll let the timeless melody of the symphony of the Holy Spirit be my guide...
Monday, January 14, 2008
Worth It
***Disclaimer: The following post is not intended to be self-righteous in any way. It is written from the standpoint that each of us is God's creation and deserves only the best. Please do not be offended or judgmental when reading.***
Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."
Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.
During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).
College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.
So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.
So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?
Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."
Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.
During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).
College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.
So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.
So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?
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