This lack of realism

Seth Godin says that everyone should blog every single day. "Are you able everyday to say 1 thing that's new that you're willing to stand behind?"

So here goes...

In this interview, Bono states that he is "suspicious of Christians is because of this lack of realism". I have to admit, my sentiments are the same. I've spent the whole of my 32 years on this earth in church amongst Christians and I could likely count on both hands the number of times the moments of realism I've felt. No offense to any of those Christians as I think it's just the way things were. It's how we were "trained".

But since I've had these 32 years, I think it's time in today's culture with the abundance of outlets available for us to dialogue, it's time for us to be real. As real as we want to be. As real as we can.

Who was the last person to make you laugh? What did they do or say?

Thankfully, I laughed a lot this past weekend. It was a mildly stressful weekend spent with my parents as they prepare for their relocation. Three times of laughter really stand out.

1. My mom is constantly making me laugh-sometimes she tries to, oftentimes she doesn't. On Saturday we helped my dad move out of his office since he recently retired after 40+ years of serving in ministry, 13 at his most recent church. Mom & I were discussing how to fit the 4 of us (Z, Mom, Dad, & me) in their minivan along with some mattresses we were taking to my brother on our trip the next day. She suggested that Z & I simply 'lay on the mattresses til we get there'. That might have been ok were we going directly to my brother's house however, our 1st stop was going to be to attend church at a location that is currently searching for an organist to employ where my father plans to submit a resume. Upon her suggestion, I told my mom that if we were to follow her plan, my father would be considered the creepy old guy with mattresses in the back of his minivan who wants to play the organ at the church. Perhaps it was just situational but we cackled about that for several minutes, barely able to breathe.

2. A second occurrence happened after we attended the above-mentioned church when my husband relayed the story of his & my father's entrance to the church. While I won't go into all the details here, I will say that my father is the most kind-hearted, respectful person you will ever meet and I'm sure the people with which he interacted simply thought he was just a bit "country". God bless 'im!

3. As anyone who has been around children knows, they will say the most honest things whenever they are inclined. My 3 year old nephew has been quite the riot throughout his little life and I do wish now I had kept a record of all the comical things he has said. On Sunday, after the aforementioned church incident, we were eating lunch together at a Mexican restaurant and H was sitting in my lap since we had finished eating. He was cuddly that day and I asked him if he would always be my sweet boy to which he responded, "People will always be people" and quickly followed up with "Their names will always be their names, their letters will always be their letters." I thought he was quite advanced for his age until his mom told me that they had recently discussed the fact that when he grows up he will still be H & when his baby brother grows up, he will still be W. Even so, I thought it was so precious to hear that little voice declare, "People will always be people." He always keeps me laughing!

What was the last movie you watched and did you like it?

The literal last movie I watched was National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on Christmas evening. I always enjoy that movie because it's not really the Christmas season unless we've watched it.

The last movie I saw in theaters was Star Wars: The Force Awakens and surprisingly I thought it was a great movie! I just recently started watching the Star Wars series (mainly because my husband is an obsessed, long-time fan) and so we viewed the first 3 movies before seeing this latest release. I think I hesitate to watch this genre because I'm afraid it will be too action/fight-scene heavy but I am always pleasantly surprised. There is always enough romance & comedy to balance the action scenes so it's easy for the film to appeal to a wide variety of people (like me). I'll be sure to watch the other 3 movies even though I've been warned they're not as good. : ) I'll still give Star Wars a thumbs up!

What are 3 things that bring you joy in life?

1. My puppy, Oscar. He is a 5 year old, 9 lb yorkie & is definitely spoiled rotten! Zeb bought him for me when I fell in love with our friends' yorkie & decided I was *almost* certain I wanted a dog. He surprised me for Valentine's Day in 2011 & I was so scared when we got him. I had no idea how to care for a dog as the only ones I had been around were my brothers' dogs we had in my childhood. But over the past 5 years, he has become one of the greatest joys of my life. He has listened to me, cuddled with me, consoled me, and loved me unconditionally as dogs do and my life is SO enriched because of him.



2. Baking. Before the fall of 2014, I would have just considered my amateur baker tackling the occasional brownies, cookies, box mix concoctions. That fall I enrolled in a cake decorating class at the local community college which just so happened to be taught by the baker who made our wedding cake. It was a fantastic course that really gave me confidence not only in baking/decorating cakes but also in baking in general. Since the course ended I have made the birthday cakes for my mom & dad as well as Z & myself. I've also developed what I'm calling a 'signature cookie' that I bake for all family occasions & as the occasional gift. While I still don't consider myself a professional (as evidenced by the pictures), I can't explain the joy I feel when I complete a cake or know that my friends and family are enjoyed something I created. Baking is a way for me to channel my creativity & also enjoy sweets : )

3. Road trips with Z. We don't make a lot of these any more-not like we did when we lived in Texas-but when we do, we always have fun. Road trips for us are therapeutic & we spend time talking, planning, dreaming while we travel. There's always good music, we pack snacks & stop at our favorite restaurants, and try not to laugh at Oscar too much when he is frustrated at being cooped up in the car. While the preparations & in turn, unpacking are not the most enjoyable tasks, I always look forward to the extra, uninterrupted time with Z.

You can't really tell but this is a picture of the 3 of us holding hands/paws on one of our latest trips. : )

Describe your bedtime ritual.

My bedtime ritual varies...daily. But each of these activities takes place at some point every night.

*Brush teeth.
*Take out contacts.
*Wash face.
*Use *ahem* facilities.
*Apply hand lotion.
*Apply strawberry Chap-stick.
*Write in 1-line journal.
*Say evening prayer.
*Set alarm.
*Plug in phone & turn ringer down.

Those things happen without fail. These things happen with some regularity...

*Read until I fall asleep & the book hits me in the face.
*Scroll Facebook until I fall asleep & my phone hits me in the face.
*Apply foot cream & put on socks.
*End of day planning in my bullet journal.

I'm not too complicated-but sometimes I do hate that there are so many steps before I can go to sleep. On nights when I'm wiped & I've stayed up too late watching Netflix or I got sucked into the interwebs, the bare minimum involves brushing teeth, taking out contacts, & washing face.

I just realized it is ridiculous that I have spent this long to describe my bedtime ritual so sweet dreams!

What is your family's Christmas story? (Your traditions, your rituals, etc.)

*Mom & I have at least 1 annual holiday baking day where we plan lots of treats & goodies we want to give away and spend the entire day listening to Christmas music while we work in the kitchen. It is seriously one of my favorite traditions & I am so thankful to live close enough to her that we can do this.

*Speaking of baking, these treats are holiday staples in our house from my childhood: peanut butter kiss cookies, Christmas Tree cookie press cookies, elf biscuits, party mix (similar to Chex mix), tiger butter, and new additions in the past couple of years-cheese straws & shortbread.

*We ALWAYS eat pizza for Christmas Eve dinner. (Just like we ALWAYS eat Mexican food for Thanksgiving Eve dinner.) Store bought, carry out, homemade-doesn't matter. Just pizza.

*Enough of the food. On years that we're all together my dad always reads the Christmas story from Luke. When I was much younger, he would play Christmas hymns on the piano & we would sing along. This was when we did our advent wreath each Sunday as a family long before spouses & grandchildren entered the picture.

*Also from my childhood, my mom had a set of self-playing Christmas bells that were attached to garland that she hung from the mantle or in the kitchen. She would turn those on every Christmas morning & we would listen to them play the Christmas songs (both sacred & secular) they were programmed with.

*Since I've been married and really in the past couple of years, Z & I have gone on a Christmas date at some point during the season. While we've never said it had to be anything fancy, it has turned out that way. Last year we had dinner at The Edison at The Grove Park Inn and sat out on the porch afterward (on an unseasonable warm December evening) & talked & dreamed & laughed. This year's date was our overnight stay at the Biltmore as mentioned in my post from January 1.

There are many more traditions I would like to start & am working on some of them-buying an ornament that represents the year or big moments in the year, writing a letter to Z each year, giving to a needy family each year, etc. Perhaps 1 day I'll get it together enough to accomplish everything my overzealous heart desires. But until then I'll relish the memories I make with the traditions I have now.

So what are some of your Christmas rituals & traditions? Maybe you have one I need to add to my list...

What's 1 thing that you hope to achieve or accomplish this year?

I hope to achieve healthiness. My weight may not get to what I want it to be but I want to be healthier for my husband and children to be able to enjoy me and for me to be able to live a FULL life so I don't miss out on anything. The time is right and I need to do this for myself especially with potential big changes this year (baby??? house???).

What's on your goal list for the year ahead? What plans have you made to help you reach that goal?

Describe 3 moments from the holidays that you wish to remember.

1. Z & I stayed at the Village Hotel at the Biltmore during Christmas week. It was an incredible experience & I am so glad we did. We wandered Antler Village & the winery before dinner at Cedric's Tavern & a romantic night in our rustic modern room. We had a delicious breakfast at The Inn (Belgian waffles) and then wandered the area around the house. It was a great time with special memories!

2. Christmas dinner was special since all of my family was together. Even with my 4.5 month old nephew's fussiness, it was nice for all of us to be there and spend the night at Mom & Dad's. We shared lots of laughs after dinner & Henry kept us all busy with toys, painting, & Transformers.

3. New Year's Eve was fun since we have kind of started the tradition (2 years now) of Mom & Dad coming to Asheville. We had dinner at Tupelo Honey and played dominoes while enjoying a bellini bar. We watched the ball drop but didn't see it (thanks to the networks) and I shared a kiss with my love.

What are some of your most cherished holiday memories?

The struggle is real y'all.

As I sit here with The Bachelorette Finale in the background (only 1/2 watching since I totally read the spoilers early in the season), I gotta say it's pure chaos to be up in my brain these days. I am ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. 99% of the time I feel 50 shades of crazy. Not in the I'm-gonna-break-bad way but in the who-the-heck-am-I do-I-even-know-myself-anymore way. Anybody feelin' that?

Unfortunately, I have no idea what to attribute this to. The past few months just seem to have me on a downward spiral into myself. In the past 6-8 weeks, I've learned more about who I am and what makes me tick that I know how to process. It's so weird to be 31 and still having such grand self-realizations. In some ways I resent it because HELLO! I could have been such a better daughter, sister, & friend with this info. So hopefully I'll use it going forward to be all of those things as well as the most important-a better wife.

Just to spell it out a bit, here's a few of the lightbulb moments I've had lately...

   7. I'm an ISFJ on the Myers-Briggs spectrum. Seriously!?!?!? Introverted????? Never in a million years would I have guessed that about myself-until a year ago or so. While I have no idea what shifted, I am thankful that the shift I felt in my personality is justified-even through a free online test. The rest of the type description is fairly spot-on as well although reading about yourself can cause some major resentment as well as Aha! moments.

   3. I've been pretty down on myself the past few weeks. I believe my lament to my husband is "I'm fat. I feel lazy.* I have no friends. I'm doing nothing with my life.**" No I'm not depressed-well, maybe situationally-but moreso, Z & I are in a transitional season of life right now. We left our last ministry position 6 months ago & since that was all I'd ever known in our marriage, I've been left feeling a little bit like the rug's been pulled out from under me. Not that I want to go back to ministry-we may circle back to that point a little later. But I am a person who (bad for me) finds my identity in what I do or my job, and while I may still be employed by a church, I am definitely not in the same position as when we were serving. And since serving & helping is my language (thanks enneagram!), I'm lost. I also am slow to develop relationships as it is so not having a very big social circle has really thrown me for a loop. I used to always just rely on my church circle so I'm resentfully learning that I will have to be more intentional in developing friends.

(Not to worry-we've found a church we're planning to plug in to as soon as we can get Z's work transition somewhat settled.)

   1. One of my very best friends who I've known for 15 years deserves a BIG OL' APOLOGY. He doesn't read this blog but I hope to have this conversation with him in person sometime. Basically, I was a manipulate b!^*$ to him for a good portion of our high school & college years. Now that I know it's because I wasn't feeling appreciated (Type 9, need I say more?), I feel like a complete jerk. Suffice it to say that I think we should give high schoolers these tests so that they start out their grown-up lives with a better understanding of themselves.

These are just a FEW things I am working through and trying to process to improve myself. The only reason I am okay with realizing all these things in my 30s is because I am in my 30s-a time in my life that I am most comfortable and accepting of who I am. So yeah, I'll take it.

All this has me in my head a lot but I wanted to write out some of it here-mainly because I don't have many readers & maybe someone will stumble across it and be encouraged as they process who it is they truly are.

*I am overweight but am definitely working on it. Feel healthier now than I have in a long while.
**I have done a lot with my life. I am in a relaxed season, learning some things (see entire above post) so I'm trying to be ok with that. And God's working on nudging me towards some things He wants me to do.

So, any of my 3 readers struggling with figuring yourself out & being ok with what you find? If you have any other personality type info or websites, feel free to share!

On Considering Kids

Our 6th wedding anniversary is coming up in August. 6. Years. And as many couples would probably confess, some days it feels like just yesterday I was walking up that aisle to forever join my life to his in that little, chapel in the woods and then others I can't remember not knowing him, a part of him seemingly forever written on my heart.

In 6 years we haven't seen one major fight. Disagreements, yes but full-fledged, shouting-match, I'm-right-you're wrong fights, none. Whenever people learn that about us, I always follow up with a statement about how I'm scared of what Z would be like if he were ever truly angry. I have no idea. He has been upset, frustrated, a little hot under the collar but never at me & since he is such a good compartmentalizer, he's never brought those feelings into our home. I will make no comment as to the state of my emotions. That is not the point (for this post). Let's just say Z is the type of guy that quite seriously has the patience of Job and will likely be one of those that will just completely lose it if/when he ever reaches his limit. (I do have recurring dreams that he is a serial killer-I really need to look that up over at dreamdictionary.org.)

6 years has also excluded one of the most strenuous things our marriage will possibly endure...children. Thanks to extreme caution & a small "Thank You God" each month, we have yet to experience the beauty that is child-rearing. We are most definitely open to it and desire to have children, the timing just hasn't been quite right for us to take the plunge & go for it. Of course, my irrational fears may play in to our lack of offspring as well.

Few things in this world strike terror in me the way the thoughts of being responsible for another human life do. Is that normal? As my tendency to overanalyze, overthink, & over-worry consumes me about things I say or what to cook for dinner, you can only imagine the path of crazy that ensues when I think about raising a child.

*I need to lose weight before I have a child.
*We need to save money before we have kids.
*We need a bigger home before we have kids.
*What will we do about child care?
*Will I become a stay-at-home mom?
*Will Z make enough money for me to be a SAH mom?
*How will we handle household duties with a kid in the mix?
*What if I screw up that precious little baby & he/she needs therapy for the rest of his/her life?
*What if my child requires special attention?
*Am I ready for it to not just be me & Z anymore?
*Will I be ok without any personal time?
*Will we homeschool?
*What if therapy doesn't work & my kid becomes a drug-selling prostitute with a long rap sheet?
And the scariest fear of all...*What if we have twins? (They run in both our families.)

This is a very serious rabbit trail, folks. And I hope I didn't offend anyone with those questions-they are legitimate thoughts I've had in the past few years as my ovaries start screaming we feel the pull become stronger to enlarge our family.

Do all women have these fears? Am I standing alone out on the crazy-pre-children island with wondering about all this? I know that realistically I should trust Jesus & let Him work it all out but let's be honest-it's our genes on the line.

I know we'll move forward with having children. It just may end up that I cause myself a full-on breakdown during pregnancy. Poor Z. At this point, I'm just trying to remember my sister-in-law's advice (who has a 3 year old & 1 on the way): Don't think about it too much or you'll never do it. Thanks, Ali! Here's to having the least traumatized kid on the block!

On Dreaming Again

I started reading a new (to me) book yesterday. It's been sitting in my digital Kindle library for at least a year now patiently waiting for me to pick it from amongst the other 50 on my "To Read" list. Kinda like the book equivalent of picking teams in elementary school kickball. (I was always picked last-musical I was, athletic I most certainly was not.) Quite simply, Jon Acuff's Quitter: Closing the Gap Between Your Day Job & Your Dream Job is the kick in the pants I need to start dreaming again. While thus far the book has made me feel completely inadequate about the quality of my life, I've been challenged to dream...and here I am, writing for the first time in over a year.

When I started this blog back in 2008, I was a 24 year old strong, independent, stubborn girl who had just moved to Texas to "chase a pair of pants" (thx Mom) & start a new adventurous chapter of my life. Little did I know that very year I would meet my future husband & embark on an adventure I never saw coming. We stayed in Texas for 3 years after getting married in 2009. I worked my dream job as the assistant director of a charter school until my roots started calling me home & Z and I made our way back east. Truthfully, I was in a very unhealthy state of mind & I believe that move quite literally saved my life. We lived with my parents for 10 months during which I was able to clear my mind, lose 60 pounds (out of 150 that I needed to lose), & reevaluate my outlook on life. I was 29 and 30 seemed to be staring me down to instill the fear of God in me about where I was headed.

By 2013, I had recovered quite a bit and we moved to Asheville, NC. We've loved every minute of calling this eclectic little city 'home'. I compare it to Austin, TX as we have our own bumper stickers that read "Keep Asheville Weird" & if you don't have one of these babies on your car, you better keep on drivin'.

The food scene is localized & diverse, the entertainment scene always draws crowds for both unique & mainstream artists, & the freedom to just be you is not only welcomed but celebrated.

The mountain air, breathtaking views, & slower pace of life have done my heart good-of course, being within a couple of hours of my parents & nephew has too. Especially since his little brother is on his way to us in July and has been dubbed Terry Leroy by big brother. I've evolved quite a bit since I first shared my voice back in '08-my life is far more simple (in countless ways), my priorities are in the right order, I feel more "me" than I ever have in my life. Probably because I understand myself more than I ever have in my life.

Over the past 7 years, I have been the student as life has taught me so much about love, loss, & most importantly-relationships. You see, I fully believe that relationships are 100% the entire reason God created us & put us all on the rotating ball of dirt together. Of utmost importance is my relationship with Him but I truly believe that all of my relationships with every human being I come into contact with are a very direct interaction with the Creator of the universe Himself. My family, friends, coworkers, grocery store clerk, car repairman-we're all created in His likeness and even though not all of my people love Jesus, we're still made like Him.

As a result of these relationships, I've learned more about grace than I ever thought I had a capacity for. Grace for myself-not putting undue pressure to conform or stand out, being secure in who I have been created to be. Grace for my husband-allowing him to be the man God created for me to share my life with and embracing the quirks of our marriage. Grace for my family-seeing our dynamics shift as age creeps upon all of us and loving the roles we play in each others' lives. Grace for my fellow humankind-understanding that because I do not walk in their shoes, I cannot know the full extent of their struggles & thus cannot make generalizations & judgements about their character.

My only hope is that from today, I will not allow the little voices of perfection, self-consciousness, and critique that are in my head to drown out the passion I feel sparked in me. Acuff says in chapter 3 of his book, "90 percent perfect and shared with the world always changes more lives than 100 percent perfect and stuck in your head." Today I'm going with the 90% & trusting you to have grace for the other 10.

My name is Bethany and I am broken.

Broken for my brothers and sisters who need food.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need warmth.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need love.
Broken for my brothers and sisters who need Jesus.

This all started back in November. On my drive to and from work each day I pass at least 5 bus stops and on any given day I will see young men, single moms with children, older citizens-all of whom are just waiting for that ART bus to pull up so they can load it and move on towards their destinations.

When we first moved, it wasn't a big deal. Ok, public transportation is more widely used here than where we lived prior. Good for them-saving the earth and all. I mean, I recycle. After all, Asheville is a green city. When in Rome...

But as the weeks passed, I became increasingly more aware of their presence. The temperatures started to drop and I started to get more uncomfortable with nonchalantly passing them by each day. I'd start praying out loud for them when I passed asking God to keep them safe-hoping that simple act would be enough to help a little. Then there were the days the temps dropped to 0 and below-that one Tuesday where it was -7 but wind chill was -20. And I became as uncomfortable as a person driving by with seat warmers on, coffee in hand could be.

My heart broke a little more with each passing bus stop.

December took me by surprise when I discovered Jen Hatmaker's book 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. I finished it in record time and immediately wanted to give away everything I own. I'm talking clothes, pots and pans, lotions, even cleaning supplies-extreme! That would surely cure my aching heart right?

My husband talked me down and thankfully (I think) I finished that book on our way to Texas for his brother's wedding. Otherwise, I'm not sure what we would have had left when I got through.


But here I am 3 months after those initial cracks started in my heart and I'm stuck. God has been diligently seeking me out, telling me to get outside the box. Take the road less traveled. And so far I've taken a couple steps on that path. I'm sure I'm nowhere near where He'd like me to be. But I'm making progress-be it ever so slight.

And I'm praying He will continue to break my heart a little more each day.

It's the Freakin' Weekend Baby I'm About to Have Me Some Fun

Heyo!

How'd you like that old school R. Kelly reference in the title? Especially since I didn't even know there was remix until I was looking for that link on Youtube. Oops!

Just checking in to see what weekend plans everyone has. I'm excited about this weekend because this little guy comes to spend the night with Aunt B (yes, similar to this lady) tonight.

Most adorable 1 year old EVER!

Nope, no bias here.

So I'll be spending my evening stealing kisses, enjoying his belly laugh when Oscar comes around and taking a stroll through the neighborhood since he is never happier than when he's outside.

In the morning we'll make a stop by the farmer's market to buy beef from the amazing people at Big Oak Farm and then head on to the spray and play park at the local library. After some fun there we'll take him home so he can see his daddy who's been out in CA on a guy's baseball trip for the last week. And while we're in town, we'll make a stop at Trader Joe's & Whole Foods to pick up a few things I've been researching. (Side note: is anyone as upset as me that Whole foods is now planning to coexist with Monsanto???)

Sunday marks Mom & Dad's 40th wedding anniversary but unfortunately they'll be celebrating the day after-since my anniversary brunch got cancelled because of Dad's church duties. That evening after a covered dish dinner, I'm singing at their church service which will be followed by an ice cream social. Yeah, that church loves to eat-but what church doesn't???

Looking forward to a great weekend with some new memories! Anyone have any memories of their own planned?

What a Legacy

Well, I'm back at it. I've decided to hop back in the blogging game & hopefully keep up. Only time will tell I suppose but I'm excited to get back to writing. I'll not spend hours writing a post catching you up on what's been happening in my life but I will say that I am looking forward to the future.

It may be a bit gloomy but I want to take this moment to pause and thank God for a lady who went to heaven to be with Him 2 years ago today-my dear Grandmother.

I remember it vividly as it was a Monday morning and I was so exhausted and not looking forward to going to work that day. I was awoken from sleep around 4am by a phone call from my mother who was staying in the rehab hospital with her that night. Frantic, all she could manage to say was, "They think she's gone."

I remember my adrenaline kicking into high gear as Z & I rushed around and hopped in the car making our way to the hospital. As we pulled in I could see through the back glass of an ambulance with responders performing CPR on a body I would later find out was her. I found my mother with a hospital staff person who was trying to put her shoes on her as she was crying. We rushed out and both climbed into the back seat and Z drove, following the ambulance to the main hospital less than 3 miles away.

I remember pacing in the ER waiting room and knowing what the doctor was going to say before he said a word. Mom broke down momentarily & then tried to compose herself. We made our way into the room where she was waiting, pale and lifeless. I held her hand one last time. I stroked her face one last time. I kissed her cheek one last time.

And in those moments, I understood the meaning of legacy. I understood the sting of death. But I also understood the victory of death. She was with our Lord & Savior-just waiting for Him to fill up her coffee cup and sit down to chat awhile. She couldn't have been happier....

So today, I honor her by working to complete her one request of me-to lose weight. I started in March and have since lost 52 lbs. I have 103 more to go but I am more motivated than ever to meet the goal and make her proud. I will remember the things she taught me & the generosity she shared with me. Not only will her genes live on with me, so will her faithfulness to the Lord-and her love of sweets!

Tomorrow will be a new day with a new post. I promise they won't all be so sentimental (or somewhat morbid) but I wanted to take the chance to memorialize one of the most influential women in my life-this day only comes once a year and it is befitting for me to do so.

Looking forward to walking the journey together! Thanks for reading!

Blessings,

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Yeah, this post has been a long time coming. Yeah, this post should have happened over a year ago. Yeah, I'm still ridiculously sporadic in my posting.

And that's me. Love me or leave me.

I'm not even going to offer the routine apology for my another extended absence. If you follow me, you ought to be used to my wanton desire to write but lack of actual writing. All the same, thanks for stopping in again.

Of course I'm posting because I'm back at it again. Back at working hard to lose weight. I've read a lot of success stories by truly inspiring people and I've organized my food/exercise time for (hopefully) optimum success for myself. Another major catalyst is that my life right now is very different than it ever has been before. Let me explain briefly, if mainly to encourage myself a little about why I am where I am...

In October of 2012, Z & I decided that we were going to move closer to my fam. Yes, we both had great jobs & I was on the path of a very successful career but we also both knew that there was more to life than work. At first, he had to convince me but thanks to some revealing events at work (read: a dictator boss) and personal reflection, I was able to accept that the time had come to move on. So on November 30, 2012, we quit our jobs, packed up our things, and made the long drive from TX to NC. (One of the weirdest feelings ever, knowing I was driving that stretch of I-20 but wouldn't be returning within the week-our typical trip.)

So we did what any excited 20-something year old couple seeking adventure would do, we moved in with my parents. Wow, what a difference 10 years makes (it's been that long since I've lived within 100 miles of my parents, much less 100 feet of them). Really though, they've been so gracious & giving toward us as we figure out where we are headed and I can tell you right now, the extra time spent with my nephew, H has more than paid off any personality clashes while living with the 'rents.

And that's where we are right now-'figuring out where we are headed'. I honestly have no clue what that means. We've interviewed for a youth pastor position at a church a couple of hours away but both of us had bad vibes on that so it's a no go. Z met the brother of a family friend at the church we attended last Sunday and we really enjoy it there. They don't have a youth pastor but also don't have the $ to pay one so who knows, we may end up volunteering some there.

What I do know for now is that this is the ONLY period of my life I can remember that I have had enough time (because, you know, working and making money is so overrated) to really work on myself. I want to make the most of this in every way possible-especially since the first 2 months literally flew by and now it's already February. Come join me for this (hopefully) wild, (at times very) sarcastic, but (inevitably) hilarious adventure of life-one step at a time.

My 1st Public NSV

Blog-lovelies, boy do I have some news for you!

Ok, many of you know healthy life-minded people know what an NSV (Non-Scale Victory) is but for those who don't, the way I define it is an exciting event that occurs on the journey that is healthiness related but is not in any way connected to the numbers on the scale. These events can be anything from sitting in a regular booth at a restaurant without feeling like your breath is being squeezed out of you to fitting into those a size of clothing that you haven't seen since middle school (or in my case, maybe elementary school).

Today, I had one of those experiences. Back in June on Father's Day weekend, Z & I went to Dallas to celebrate the holiday with his parents. We went to lunch and then stopped at a mall to check out a couple of things before heading back to their house. While we were at the mall, Z & I both found great deals on some clothes. At that time, I was all gung-ho on the weight loss train (still am, just the initial momentum has dwindled a bit) and I decided to do something daring. I found a pair of black leggings for $6 and had been wanting to try leggings for quite a while. I love the trendy look they give but also love that they are a modest option. Those leggings hung in my closet for weeks and I would see them every day and think about how great it would feel to wear them. Not only was my body image a bit too low to wear them with the confidence you need to pull off leggings, I also had no shirt that was quite right to wear with them except for a $7 one I had bought at the same time. When I tried that shirt on, it was a bit tight and not nearly comfortable enough for day-to-day wear.

So today as I stood in my closet trying to find the perfect outfit without wearing my 1 pair of summer pants I love or wearing shorts that I don't feel so good in. After going through multiple outfits, I finally decided to just try the leggings and shirt. To my amazement, they fit. And I looked pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. What do you think?

While this may not be my 1st official NSV (because believe it or not I have refused dessert and drank H20 instead of Coke and not had that 2nd helping of dinner), it sure has been a sweet one. And one that I'm proud to share with you today. In your face 305 pound BAP-21 pounds makes a difference!

Keep fighting,

Bethany

And The Journey Continues...

Hi friends Mom! It's day 1 of my 4 day weekend and gosh can I say I love working a summer schedule! 5 hours a day 4 days a week is such a reward from the 50-60 hour weeks I put in during the school year. Yesterday I even got kicked out of my office an hour early because our carpets were going to be cleaned. School schedules rock! (Remind me of that come September!)

This week has been a decent week for food intake & exercise. I missed 1 day this week of the gym and surprisingly, I was really upset about it. I felt so ashamed of not going and was frustrated with myself. I also overate a couple of days and am having trouble quelling my sweet tooth but I've only been over calories 1 day with the rest remaining within my limit or limit + exercise range. I can tell I feel so much better when I exercise and have kicked butt in the gym this week. Even though I still need to go to bed earlier, I have more energy.

One thing I am learning through this process is that every day brings a fresh start, a clean slate. If I happen to not do so great one day, it doesn't mean I'm a complete failure or that I am forever doomed. Even if I feel that way. It just means that I have to get back on track and make a more concentrated effort the next day. I think that's why I haven't succeeded in the past-because I would have 1 bad day of food choices or not working out and I would throw in the proverbial towel. But MFP really helps with that as well in that every morning I start out with 1500 calories. What I do with those is up to me, especially if I use them wisely and add to them through exercise or if I waste them on a temporary fix. I'm learning that beating myself up obviously hasn't worked so now it's time to be real and focus on one step, one choice at a time.

With our trip to NC 2 weeks away (YAY!), I'm doing some prep work in researching some exercises I can do since we won't be in a gym for at least 10 days. The good thing is that my parents have a treadmill and lucky for me, walking/jogging are things I can do outside if necessary (even in summer heat). I'm also checking out strength training and other exercises that will keep me on track while we are gone. We'll be at family reunions (w/huge meals) for 2 days and I'm already prepping for that-a spoonful of the things I want, not a plateful-and then we head to the beach for a few days. That part I can't wait for! We'll be going to the same beach where Z & I honeymooned and I'm looking forward to having some rest and spending some QT with my parents as well. Visits with friends as well as a surprise for Z will cap off the week and I can't wait. I only wish we had more time overall but 10 days is pretty darn good for a vacay. Can you tell I'm excited???

Guess I've gone on enough for now and Z & I have to leave soon for dinner/swimming with friends so...Sayonara for now!

Personal Best

Lemme just keep this short & sweet.

I set a personal best in the gym tonight: 12 minutes of jogging. That may not sound like much to a lot of people but to this 287 pound girl, it's a lot. And while it wasn't one long 12 minute stint (it was 7 and then 5), I'm pretty darn proud. You know why?

It's proof that I can do this.

It's proof that my body can handle it.

It's proof that I don't have to stay a 287 pound girl.

And one day, I won't be. You know why?

I'm taking it 12 minutes at a time.

I'm really tired...

Of writing entries that I never post. That's been going on for a while now. But it is no more.

About 12 days ago, I hit my breaking point. Not with life but with myself. I am DONE being the fat girl. I am DONE being the fat friend. I am DONE thinking about all the time I've wasted being lazy and self-serving rather than being active and self-denying. And so, as of June 14, I'm officially on the quest for healthiness. I wanted to write as soon as I made that decision but I also know that I move very prematurely sometimes.

So I waited. Then I waited. And I waited just a bit more.

And while 12 days is still not very long, I can feel and see a change in myself this time. Out of the past 11 days (my resolution was made late in the evening on day 1), I have been in the gym 10 days. I have a system, a rotation of sorts that helps me get in enough cardio and strength training. Hopefully on Monday, I'll be starting 2 a days meaning I'll be in the gym 2 times a day. With my summer work schedule (9am-2pm Monday through Thursday) I feel I'll be able to complete that challenge even though it is something I've never tried before. Heck, being in the gym once a day is barely something I've ever done before.

Paired with my time in the gym, I've also taken on healthier eating habits. Gone are the days of eating out twice a day or eating an entire entree by myself. Gone are the days of coming home from work and vegging on chips, Oreos or cake. Lately, my choices include more protein, fruits and veggies. I'm drinking more water and am trying to consume less processed food. A typical day of eating looks like this...

8:30am - 2 egg omelet w/ .25 cup cheddar cheese on .5 sandwich thin (This keeps me full for at least 4 hours.)

12:00 or 12:30pm - Carrot sticks with honey mustard; a turkey sandwich and yogurt; or a protein shake

5:00 or 6:00pm - Healthy dinner of something like nachos, oven-baked chicken tenders w/potatoes, veggie stir-fry w/brown rice, etc.

9:00pm - Snack of fruit & whipped cream or a cookie (Z has been making them lately)

That may not look like a lot but it's keeping me on my 1500 calories target and keeps me full all day. I think I'm most proud of this accomplishment.

To help me keep up with everything, I've been using an awesome app/online tool (MFP-myfitnesspal.com) and I'm aiming to hit 1500 calories per day. After setting up my basic profile, MFP tracks my food intake and keeps me on target for calorie, fat, carb, & protein intake. It has basically every food you can think of in its database and even has a way to just add calories if you know those and the food is not in the database. In addition to food, it also tracks water intake as well as daily exercise. The exercise database calculates the calories burned by an exercise in its database and then refigures the total number of calories per day by adding calories burned by exercise to the preset calorie goal. I can also weigh in and it will track my weight loss as well as having a community to use for encouragement, recipes, etc.

I'm hoping that all of the above mentioned items will create a 'perfect storm'. In the past, I have definitely started this journey and ended it basically before it even began but this time is different. I will not remain a 287 pound woman for the rest of my life. I am committed to being healthy for myself and my family (present and future). I was made for more than what I am now and only when I rely on God and push myself to continue this journey will I succeed. Failure is not an option and that's how I intend to think for the rest of my life. Which leads me to my way of thinking-a topic I'll be writing on next.

For now, I'm off to make the most of this Saturday afternoon and evening. And from me to you, make every step and every choice count!

Bethany

Grab Your Gym Bag

I just got home from a good workout at the gym.

Now there's a statement I never thought I'd type. But yes, it is true. I've always been a little terrified of gyms-scared that everyone's pointing and laughing at me (on the inside) and there are so many machines with so many different uses that I felt like I would never get the hang of it. In the past, I've gone to the gym at my college, two at different churches but this is the first fitness center that I have ever joined and paid for. Back in December, when I was really wanting to make a change in my health, we found Premier Fitness which we tried out for a few weeks (thanks to the management) and really came to like. They have a very diverse cardio area with numerous treadmills, ellipticals, stairclimbers and stationary bicycles. I've tried out all 4 of those and definitely enjoy the treadmill the most: a) because I can walk all day long (after 2 minutes on the bikes or elliptical, I can barely breathe); b) almost every treadmill has its own tv so I can watch a good show to pass the time; c) I feel that I know how to control my workout better with the options on the machine.

In addition to different group fitness classes (i.e. Zumba, spinning, cardio) Premier also has a huge weight lifting floor with additional space set aside for improv workouts with stability balls, jump ropes, and mats. I really love machines that are free weight style and use them pretty regularly. I find they are much like the ones I first learned in middle school with that crazy P.E. teacher of mine, Ms. Carter.

Aha! I may have found the reason I've been so afraid of gyms. Ms. Carter was quite an interesting character as the softball coach who only shaved her legs up to her knees but always wore shorts a few inches above that. I remember her super tan legs with all that blond hair showing. Ugh! Anyway, during the weightlifting portion of gym class, we would do circuits and rotate through various stations in the weight room and I remember how much I hated that. Mainly because I was always the weakest person in the class and also because if we didn't do a certain station correctly, she would bark orders like she was the queen German Shepherd. And I suppose she was but it still scared me.

For me, working out has always been viewed as a chore, something that should be done even though it's not all that great. First you gotta figure out where to workout, then what time, find gym clothes/water bottle/ipod/good music, then decide if you're doing a full work out or going light, decide about joining a class, make sure you don't fall while you'e there, etc., etc., etc. But you know, sometimes you just have to do like Nike said and "Just do it!" I'm really trying to work on my attitude to improve my chances of success with staying in the gym. I just have to make myself do it. Today, I would have totally rather taken a nap but I laid down for about 10 minutes and then just made myself go. When I got there, I pushed myself and kept thinking (and believing) that I could succeed. I did. And that's what I have to keep doing. I believe that it will be key for me especially this summer when the temperatures are in the 100's and I'm not able to exercise much outside-'cause you know TX has some HOT summers! Anyway, I just want to encourage myself to stay in the gym-find the best time to workout and just do it. In the end, it is just like a friend of mine said, "Going to the gym makes you feel skinny even when you're not." Eventually, I will be. : )

Current weight: 291 lbs.
Goal weight: 175 lbs.
Total to lose: 116 lbs.

Still working toward healthiness,
Bethany