Worth It

***Disclaimer: The following post is not intended to be self-righteous in any way. It is written from the standpoint that each of us is God's creation and deserves only the best. Please do not be offended or judgmental when reading.***

Yesterday I took some new profile pics for my online accounts (including this one) as I had a few extra minutes before church and thought I'd snap some good ones before the Holy Ghost got ahold of me at church. Nobody wants pictures with a nose red from crying, runny makeup from sweating and raccoon eyes from watery mascara. As I sat on my couch last night uploading said pictures to my computer, I tried to decide which ones were worth keeping, which ones I should edit before posting and if I even liked any of them. This morning as I looked at the one I posted to my profile here a thought crossed my mind-I am pretty. Such a thought had not entered my mind in a looong time and although I take pride in my appearance, I've never been one to be egotistical about it. (Don't worry, I'm not starting to now either.) I like to wear classic, fashionable clothing and maintain a makeup routine that makes me feel good about myself and for the most part I am successful in doing so. I do have those days however, when nothing seems to fit or I feel depressingly obese or my face looks like a pizza and I'm just not happy with anything about the way I look. But today, for some reason, when it actually occurred to me that I am pretty, the thought that immediately followed was "And you know what? I am worth it."

Those of you that know me on any personal level know that I struggle with my weight and have for most of my life. My mother likes to think it is her fault for allowing me to eat mainly potatoes when I went on a vegetarian stint for about 7 years. (I still don't understand why I went through that whole ordeal but it is what it is.) But as I repeatedly tell her, I'm the one who chooses what I put into my body and how I treat it so I reap the consequences both good and bad. I know fully well that if I make a conscious effort to eat better and exercise I could lose weight. Currently, my eating habits aren't all that bad-I've picked up more fruits and veggies as of late and am enjoying trying new recipes regardless of the challenge cooking for one presents. My real problem is making myself exercise. Before I came to TX last summer, I was working out every day at least once. Of course then I had the luxury of working next door to the campus gym and since I've moved, I don't have the same good access. But there's really no excuse. I have a decent neighborhood to walk in and not too long ago I purchased the "Hip Hop Abs" collection which really is a fun way to exercise. I guess you could summarize my problem as having all the head knowledge but not having the discipline to practice it.

During my teenage years, I really struggled with body image. I was bigger than most of my peers although a couple of my close friends were big like me. While I think my self-esteem was fairly healthy, I knew that my body was not. In spite of this knowledge, I was able to maintain a seemingly positive disposition and was rather outgoing, full of energy and happy overall. I managed to find stores that sold trendy clothes to fit bigger girls and was encouraged by my senior class' decision to crown a plus-size peer as our football homecoming queen. Dating was not a priority in high school as there weren't many guys that shared my values even if they were "hotties" (as I called them).

College, on the other hand, was a different story. My weight played a much larger role in my college life as I was plunged into a world where the majority of females were thin, beautiful (to me anyway), and talented. During those 5 years, I never felt that I was as good as those girls or good enough to offer anything of worth to anyone. My circle of friends was small and I was hesitant to allow anyone in my close personal space. I dated a few guys during that time but wasn't truly compatible with any of them. For the times I did date, the feeling of dating someone who I thought truly valued me was an instant upper for me-especially the handsome, 31 year old lawyer I dated when I was 21. The fact that someone of his caliber and societal significance wanted to date an overweight, 21 year old college senior radically improved my self-confidence. That relationship was short-lived of course as he furthered his business and was drawn into the political arena. We remain friends to this day and he has always been one man (besides my dad) that I can count on to make me feel good about who I am. Outside of that relationship though, I was very reserved and kept to myself allowing only a few select friends to enter my comfort zone. The funny thing about all of this is that I knew in my heart of hearts that God was the only One who could ever truly satisfy me and would accept me just the way I was. Another case of head & heart knowledge not adding up.

So here I am, a 24 year old female, still overweight, still struggling with self-image, still waiting on "The One", still serving God all the while. But my heart is slowly coming to an important realization that my head has had for a long time and that many around me have tried to make me understand-I am worth it. What am I worth? I'm worth saving myself for marriage as I have done. I'm worth waiting for the right guy even if that means years. I'm worth having a man who treats me like a prize and loves me just as Christ loves me. I'm worth standing up for myself so that I don't end up being treated like a doormat. I'm worth using my communication skills to express my thoughts and feelings which are intelligent, important, and worth hearing. I'm worth guarding my heart so that I don't cause myself undue pain. I'm worth treating myself like the creation God made me. I may not be a supermodel or a scientist. I may not wear a size two or have trillions of dollars. But I'm me and only I can be me. I am a reflection of God's image perfectly formed by His awesome hands-the same hands that formed the earth and all that is in it. I have the talents and gifts to perfectly complete the plan He has for my life. He took the time to plan me, form me, make me. And He still takes the time to mold me even more into becoming the woman He designed me to be. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be. I screw up daily and make royal messes sometimes. But at the end of the day, I know I have a Father who loves me beyond my flaws and will extend His ever-open arms to embrace me and cover me with His unending flow of grace and mercy. I'm learning that I am a special creation crafted to fulfill a purpose that only I have and only I can complete. I am one tiny piece in the grand tapestry of the existence of the world and I intend to make my mark wherever I am. And there's a huge God-shaped hole in my heart that I'm learning to fill with Him and Him alone. Though I've tried other solutions this is the only one that works.

So, in case you were wondering, I am worth it all by myself. Are you?